Regaining Resilience

In the fall of 2013, I was invited to speak at the Women’s Exchange, to a gathering of women in Winnetka, a suburb just outside of Chicago, on the topic of regaining resilience after experiencing extreme loss. A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon the presentation I delivered, and given the moment of human history that we are all living through, it seemed just as relevant today as it did then, so I decided to share it.

The foundation of the presentation was this definition of resilience:

“the capacity of a system to tolerate disturbance without collapsing, to withstand shocks, to rebuild itself when necessary, and to improve itself when possible.”

So, how is your system?

Consider how the 10 suggestions I shared during my presentation could be helpful to your system. It is a Top 10 list of sorts – tips to help one regain resilience after extreme loss – inspired by the experience that motivated the launch of my passion project, the My 52 Weeks of Worship Project.

#10: Be kind to yourself. This is foundational. When things are challenging, give yourself grace. Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you care for deeply – a best friend, a relative, a partner. Being kind to yourself may not be your first instinct, but it can help pave your way back to you feeling more like your best self.

#9: Simplify. There is power in simplicity. If you are doing things that are not essential, stop doing them. If you are being faced with challenging questions, commit to answering them with the simplest possible answer. Avoid complexity. Embrace the simple.

#8: Create a routine that builds you up. Whatever makes you feel strong, do that. Whatever rejuvenates you, do that. If you need to pencil in things that ground you into your schedule, do that. Do them in the same order, every day, every week, every month. Write your routine down. Fire up a spreadsheet to track it. Get an app that helps you to see your commitment visually. Find comfort in a routine that gives you energy and reassures you that everything will be alright.

#7: Identify your fight song and play it often. It is my belief that music always helps. What music do you play when you need to hype yourself up? When you need to go into battle? What do you play when you need to put a smile on your face? What music makes you feel strong and capable? Play that. A lot.

#6. Soak up the kindness of strangers. Sometimes strangers can help you through difficult times in a way that your friends and loved ones are unable to simply because they are too close to your pain. A simple head nod between strangers can brighten a day. If your bank of hope for the future needs to be replenished, finding an intentional way to help and be helped by people who don’t know you can contribute to that bank.

#5. Believe that it matters. All of it matters. The celebrations and the challenges, the uncertainties and the ambiguities. The hope and the lack of clarity. It is all a part of this thing called life. And when you are trying to rustle up some resilience, hold on to the belief that all of it matters.

#4. Change what you don’t like. Celebrate the rest. Self-awareness is key. Are there things about how you are living that you don’t like? Focus on changing those things. Are there things you are just fine with (even if others may not agree with you?) Celebrate those things. Don't spend precious energy changing things that really, you have no problem with.

#3. Surround yourself with beauty (people, places and things that you love). Whether it is a walk outdoors, a chat with a friend, time to indulge in your favorite hobby, or lighting a beautiful candle and taking a moment to exhale, be intentional about surrounding yourself with beauty. In the midst of challenging times, moments of delight can energize and sustain.

#2. Assemble your emergency response team (ERT). Who will provide a listening ear or support when you need it? Is it a friend? Is it a professional? Is it an inspirational voice whose words you can read or listen to when you need a boost? Be clear who should be on your emergency response team (and be clear who does not have the temperament or the desire to be on that team) so that you can reach out when you need to.

#1. Lean into the journey. The only way to make it to the other side of a challenging time, is to move through it. One day at a time – and if that too much, then one hour at a time, lean into the journey. Breathe in, then out, then repeat.

Which of the top 10 do you find most useful? When you find yourself practicing resilience (and resilience is definitely something that must be practiced), what do you do?

Wishing you health, laughter, and strength for whatever journey you may be on.