Regaining the Lost Art of Listening: How Empathy Drives Leadership Success

What do you do when high expectations collide with the realities of life’s commitments? How do we maintain high performance when personal responsibilities start pulling us in a different direction? I once had a conversation with a high-performing officer who found herself caught between two conflicting voices: her "Expectation Self," pushing her to do more, and her "Realistic Self," struggling to keep up with her new family responsibilities. What began as a routine performance review quickly turned into a much deeper conversation about internal battles, reminding me how crucial genuine listening is in leadership.

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A while back, this officer, who had always excelled in her role, came into my office. As we reflected on her year’s work, she suddenly started to tear up. It wasn’t her performance that was the issue—she was meeting all her targets and more. But, she explained, she felt overwhelmed and torn. Her "Expectation Self" was constantly urging her to take on more responsibilities and exceed at everything. Meanwhile, her "Realistic Self" was just trying to survive, balancing her professional responsibilities with her growing family commitments.

Behind her struggle, I was trying hard to decipher what I was hearing. In Michael Nichols’ book The Lost Art of Listening, he explained how listening goes beyond just hearing words—it’s about tuning into the emotions and deeper struggles beneath the surface. Three crucial elements of listening—attention, appreciation, and affirmation—played a role in how I approached this conversation.

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1. Attention: Real listening begins with undivided attention. This means being fully present in the moment—physically and mentally—without distractions. It involves allowing the speaker to share without interruptions, which not only helps in understanding the words but also in tuning into the underlying emotions and concerns.

2. Appreciation: Listening goes beyond just hearing someone out; it’s about recognizing and valuing the emotions and efforts behind the words. Showing appreciation for both struggles and successes builds trust and connection. This creates an environment where people feel valued and are more likely to open up.

3. Affirmation: Affirmation in listening is about validating the speaker’s feelings and perspectives. It reinforces that their voice has been heard and their emotions are acknowledged. This can be a powerful way to empower individuals to grow and make changes, as it encourages them to feel supported and understood.

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As our conversation progressed, she said something that struck me: "I think I need to learn to say no." Curious, I asked, "No to whom?" She replied, "To others." But I gently corrected her, "No, it’s to your Expectation Self." This was a breakthrough moment for her. By listening closely, I gained the perspective needed to help her reframe her internal narrative. She realized that the real conflict wasn’t external at all—it was internal. She wasn’t failing to juggle her workload, but rather, she was struggling with her own self-imposed expectations. Listening allowed me to guide her toward this shift in perspective.

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Here are some Tips for Effective Listening

1. Don’t Make Assumptions: One of the most important aspects of listening is resisting the urge to jump to conclusions. In this officer’s case, it would have been easy to assume that she was struggling to manage her workload. As leaders, we need to ensure we listen deeply without preconceived judgments, allowing others to express and explore their thoughts freely.

2. Appreciate the Struggle Beneath Success: It’s easy to assume that someone excelling professionally has everything under control. Despite her high performance at work, this officer was experiencing significant internal conflict. By appreciating the complexity of her situation—recognizing both her achievements and her difficulties—I was able to create a safe environment for her to open up.

3. Affirm and Challenge for Growth: While affirmation is crucial in making people feel heard, so is offering them a challenge to grow. This challenge allowed her to set more realistic boundaries and empowered her to manage both her professional and personal responsibilities in a healthier way.

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The attention, appreciation, and affirmation framework is like a tuning fork—it allows us to find the right resonance with those we lead, tuning into the emotional frequencies beneath their words. By practicing these, we create an environment where people feel truly heard and supported. As leaders, we don’t always need to offer solutions. Sometimes, the most impactful thing we can do is simply listen—and that, in itself, can make all the difference.

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