How interactions with others can make you better at what you do.

Motivation, ability, and opportunity are three elements that highly successful people have in common. But that’s not all the elements that influence someone’s success. The fourth element is the way how we approach our interactions with others.

People differ in their style of reciprocity with three main types:

• Takers – they tend to be self–focused and help others when it benefits them
• Givers – they pay more attention to what other people need from them
• Matchers – they balance giving and getting.

All three types are perceived differently by the community, which has an influence on how people react to their ideas. Takers see themselves as superior. They are all about themselves, therefore they use more often singular pronouns: I, me, mine, myself. If taker presents an idea for self-improvement at work their colleagues will be sceptical of their intentions. If the same idea would be presented by the giver it will be more openly accepted because givers are perceived as someone who genuinely wants to contribute and have the group’s interest at heart.

Reciprocity is a norm in today’s world, and usually, we are able to recognise who is a taker, giver or matcher. Who we come across will have an influence on how we perceive some events. Let’s look at networking. For lots, it feels like a chore. That’s most probably because in the past you met few takers that made you feel they are there to gain something. Givers and matchers see such events as an opportunity to connect with people and ideas as they know very well that no one has all the knowledge and expertise and if you want to grow you need to turn to someone with a different type of knowledge or skills.

The more people grow the more influence they can establish. And there are two paths to influence: dominance and prestige. When you establish dominance, you are seen as powerful, strong and authoritative. When you gain prestige, others respect and admire you. Takers excel in gaining dominance, they like to feel superior to others. When they speak they use powerful communication. They raise their voice, express certainty, sell with conviction. They spread their arms when they speak, taking as much space as possible to establish dominance. On the opposite end, you have givers who use powerless communication. They speak less assertively and rely on advice from others. They reveal their weaknesses and express doubt often. Interestingly enough givers can build prestige by presenting their vulnerability, their human side. However, this is only possible when the giver has been already seen as competent in the particular field.

One of the elements of powerless communication is questions. The author of the book provides a great example of selling. We are bombarded by advertisements, hence if you are trying to persuade people directly, they will see right through it and their guard will be up. If you ask questions, you can firstly learn more about your customers: what they value and what they need. Secondly, they will come to conclusions independently and they will self-persuade themselves. And the best person to convince someone is yourself. Please note this approach will work if you sell desirable products to already interested customers. Otherwise, you get the opposite effect.

Another form of powerless communication is advice seeking. Asking for advice conveys vulnerability, shows that you don’t have all the answers. Yet, at the same time, it shows you respect and value the other person’s knowledge and expertise. And let’s be honest we all love to be asked for advice. We tend to respond in a positive way and feel motivated to support the person in return. As Adam Grant says: Giving advice makes takers feel important, and it makes givers feel helpful. Matchers see it as an easy way to secure a favour that can be cashed later on.

Overall speaking, asking for advice encourage greater cooperation and the studies show that people who seek advice and help from more knowledgeable people are rated higher by their supervisors. One important thing to remember: asking for advice must be genuine. That’s why it works best for givers because they act in the best interest of others and their interest in another person’s view is sincere.

The most successful givers are giving more than they receive, but they keep their goals in sight. Meaning they choose when, where, how, and to whom to give. For example, if they see or are already aware someone is a taker, they will adjust their reciprocity style and won’t give that willingly. Those givers who give without taking into consideration their own well-being exhaust themselves and compromise their mental and physical health.

People usually don’t have one reciprocity style that applies to all areas of their lives. If the group consist of givers even taker or matcher will adjust their style in those circumstances. Having a common ground makes us closer to the other person and increases our chances of giving. And giving can increase your happiness since it activates the reward centre in your brain, which sends pleasure signals when you act for the benefit of others.

Even though most people are matchers being a giver has the most benefits. It can make you a better person, a better performer at work which consequently will create better quality and more successful life.