Reframing Conflict

"Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict." — Dorothy Thompson, American journalist

The Stress and Strain of Conflict

There's not much worse than being in conflict with someone you care about. Whether it's at work, or at home, being at odds with someone can cause elevated levels of stress, to say the least. Heated emotions run rampant, and physical symptoms such as sickness in your stomach, headache, and back ache, to name a few, can leave you exhausted.

And the mental and emotional strain! Think about the last time you were in conflict with someone. How many times did you ruminate on the issue that day/week/month/year? If you're anything like me, you thought about it over and over — and over, again!

This kind of prolonged stress wreaks havoc on our bodies. Elizabeth Scott, Ph.D., says this, in her article Effects of Conflict and Stress on Relationships : "When conflict is not productive or healthy, it can be harmful to everyone involved. Sustained, unresolved conflict can create tension at home or at work, can erode the strength and satisfaction of relationships, and can even make people feel physically sick or in pain."

In another article, Letting Go of a Relationship That is Stressing You Out , Dr. Scott goes on to say, "Relationship conflict and stress have also been shown to have a?clear negative impact on health,?affecting blood pressure, contributing to heart disease, and correlating with other conditions. It can also affect your emotional well-being, leaving you feeling frazzled, overwhelmed, and less confident in handling other stress you face in life."

It's enough to frame conflict in a very negative light.

Emotional Intelligence

Conflict management is a competency of emotional intelligence. It's the ability to?effectively negotiate and resolve disagreements toward a positive outcome.?Those who are good at it notice conflict before it arises, picking up on the subtle emotional hints that you or the other person are getting agitated. They are able to de-escalate heated emotions by validating the other person's emotions and ideas, and encourage open discussion. They seek to find common ground where possible and have learned how to negotiate win-win situations.

Those who struggle with conflict management avoid conflict at all costs, even if it means masking their feelings, lying, or not telling the whole story. They have a hard time listening to others' viewpoints when they are in disagreement, and when they present their own side of things, they do it in a way which creates tension. Their only focus is on their own needs and wants, and they allow their own emotions to take the driver's seat, failing to regulate when they get agitated or upset. They tend to blame others for discontent.

Conflict. The bad news is that as long as your heart is beating and you interact with others, it's not going away anytime soon.?The good news is that you have a choice in how you?frame conflict, a choice which can result in?positive outcomes on the other side.

"The quality of our lives depends not on whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we respond to them."?— Thomas Crum, Author and keynote speaker

The 5 Conflict Resolution Styles

According to the work of?two psychologists named Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann , there are five styles of conflict resolution:?

1-Competetive/Controlling

2-Collaborating

3-Compromising

4-Accomodating

5-Avoiding

Believe it or not, not one is 'better' than another. It really depends upon the timing and the situation at hand. For example, one may believe that it is never OK to be controlling, however, if there is a time constraint and a decision must be made, right now, a controlling decision may be the best solution.

"Because people aren’t perfect and relationships are messy, we all need to learn how to resolve conflicts." — John Maxwell

It is helpful to know and recognize your own 'go-to' style of conflict management. We all tend to have one style which we go to when in conflict, without thinking. It's the one which happens naturally. Dr. Laura Belsten, creator of the Social and Emotional Intelligence Coaching Toolkit , says, "Our preferred conflict style is often influenced by observing others, by our past experiences of what has worked and what hasn’t, by the culture of the organization in which we work, even by childhood messages! Just because we have preferences concerning how to manage conflict doesn’t mean we can’t stretch and learn other approaches."

So, look over the above styles of resolving conflict. Which style is your go-to style?

The next step is to evaluate the various conflicts in your life, and decide which of these styles would best fit the situation. Here are some examples of?when each style is best:

Competitive/Controlling is best when a quick, decisive action is vital.

Collaborating is best when the issues or relationships are too important to be compromised and you want to integrate differing viewpoints

Compromising is best when you need to achieve temporary settlements to complex issues, and when preserving the relationship is more important than getting?everything you want.

Accommodating is best when you find out that you are wrong, you are willing to let go of your desires in this situation, and peace is most important.

Avoiding is best when it becomes aware that the issues are not as important as it seemed, and you have bigger 'fish to fry.' This is also a helpful tactic when tempers need to cool or more time is needed to come to an agreement.

A Few Helpful Tips for Increased Conflict Management

As you work to increase your conflict management skills, it's important to keep in mind that self-awareness is crucial. William James , an American philosopher, said this:?"Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude."?Remain very aware of your own emotions and how they are impacting your need to be right. Do your best to separate the people from the problem. Think before you speak. Ask yourself, "What can I say or do which will make this a productive conversation, for all? And most importantly, be willing to have your mind changed. If you discover someone else's solution is better than your own, lay down your ego and admit you were wrong.?

Your social intelligence comes into play as well during conflict. Be alert to which emotions the other person is experiencing. Ask yourself, "What does this person need in this moment?", and do your best to respond to their needs.

At times, a third party may be needed to help resolve conflict, and there is no shame in getting this kind of help. Consider working with a social and emotional intelligence coach to help build the conflict management skills needed to better resolve the conflict in your life.

Reframing Conflict: Benefits and Positive Outcomes

While conflict is no fun, learning to resolve it can bring about growth and development -- and peace in the long run. Kenneth Kaye , American psychologist and writer, notes this:?“If we manage conflict constructively, we harness its energy for creativity and development.”?

?Author Sherrie Campbell, in her article The 10 Benefits of Conflict , says this in regard to conflict:? "Conflict is incredibly useful as a creative, fine-tuning instrument to our own ideas. In hearing another person's perception it helps to mold and clarify our own; either making us more clear and committed to our original position, or the conflict will open our eyes to new perspectives on our ideas. Conflict is an effective vehicle for the generation of new solutions, gaining trust and developing deeper agreements; all of which are great for networking, bonding and the establishing successful connections."

Reframing conflict it as a stepping stone to personal and professional development?allows it to serve you with the gift of growth. Here's to a new year of resolving conflict effectively!?