Reframe Wednesdays 10: The People Person

?? The Thought: "I’m not a ‘people’ person, so I’ll never be able to network.”

I still remember the first time I realized I had a crippling fear of talking to new people. It was when my mom told me to call and order a pizza.

I spent the next 30 minutes bargaining and begging her to do it for me. She said I had to learn to talk to people I didn't know, and this lesson was good for me.

So I took a deep breath and rambled out the order I had said out loud about 20 times prior and was so relieved that it was over. Then the restaurant asked for a name.

My mind went completely blank and I just blurted out Shirley.

The person on the other end could tell I was a young kid and laughed, soon asking if it was my first time ordering. I said yes hesitantly and they asked to speak to my mom. She smiled and finished the order.

I had never experienced any sort of anxiety or true fear around this before and I certainly didn't know that as I got older, talking to new people would get even harder for me. I just had no idea how to act or speak.

I was probably the opposite of a "people" person. Even now I'd say sometimes the anxiety can creep back up. However, there are definitely a couple of pivotal places that impacted helped me grow into who I am today: high school and Disney.

The new me

When I got to high school, I actually decided I was going to come out of my shell. I was imbued with the confidence (mostly by watching the Breakfast Club) that anyone can talk to anyone. Besides, high school was going to be with a bunch of new people and a time to reinvent me.

During this time I went through many variations of practice with adults, people my age, online forums, and pretty much anywhere I could express myself.

And one day, a small miracle happened: gym class was held indoors due to rain.

I by chance sat next to someone who was drawing in a binder... two of my favorite characters from my favorite video game. I looked at her and could not contain my excitement: "Is that... who I think it is?" I blurted out.

She smiled and nodded. I was filled with joy. To this day we are the best of friends. It was the first small victory I needed to confront so much of the anxiety I had around meeting new people.

At that moment I realized, I don't have a fear of talking to new people. My fear came from perception. Perception of the unknown. Were people going to like me? Would they help if I needed something? Would they think I was weird or confusing? Would they... want to keep talking?

It took longer than I would like to admit that perception ruled much of my decision-making and prevented me from growing. Many of those fears are still lingering but I found that taking a chance on people was the best action for me - after all the world is huge, so a percentage of probability dictates there will be a small group of people whom I can definitely keep in my personal network.

But what is... networking?

Around this time I was in my senior year of high school and looking to go to college. Being a first-generation immigrant, I was not afforded the luxury of understanding the sociological concept of "business networking" I always thought that I'd have to earn my ticket to the next thing I wanted to do or rely on family. So when this topic started surfacing with people my age and securing internships I was thoroughly confused.

Did I totally screw up my chances of success because I wasn't professionally networking? How does one even "network" with "business" people? What business? Which people?

I stumbled my way into some informational meetings and various suggestions on "how to network" -- it was certainly a test, but for the most part I went unscathed.

I fell a few steps back on my networking journey when I actually got into college. People here were much more ambitious and everything seemed like a "networking opportunity". And soon, everyone around me had secured internships for a semester out, the summer, or various other work-study options. I felt discouraged because I just wasn't all that good at finding the people I needed to talk to move my career and life forward.

However, I saw a flyer one day for a general internship program and attended a presentation for Walt Disney World. I became completely enamored with the idea that working for this company was going to change my life: I was going to be able to talk to all the people, find new people, and learn so many new things! This was what I needed as a next step.

The ultimate networking test

At the age of 20, I landed that internship at Walt Disney World and it was finally the moment I was going to become the person I wanted to be and get trained at the happiest place on earth.

As I walked into the property for the first day of training at a hotel gift shop my trainer showed me around the store and pointed out some safety measures. After a couple of more days she said, "Now that I've shown you around, you can't stand behind the counter unless there's a sale. Your job is to go out and interact with the guests. Good luck!"

Talking is my job?

My heart plunged into my stomach. My trainer was gone in an instant and I was left vulnerable with a nametag that somehow indicated I should know everything.

Within minutes I had guests flocking and asking me every and any question about Disney. I was also taught in my brief training that when you don't know something the correct response is, "I'm not sure, but let me ask someone and find out."

I think I probably ran around like a fool for hours on my first day. Even the first few weeks were full of blunders and missteps but that get-out-of-jail-free card worked every time. For whatever reason stalling and saying you were going to find someone who could help was the secret phrase I didn't know I needed for life (I actually still use that phrase all the time).

As I left my internship and went back to college, I gained a new perspective on talking to new people. Being forced into the situation (with a safety net) helped me really understand my personal approach to communication and gave me a foundation on how to build a network.

My framework

I ended up finishing college and coming back to Disney and within the next few years I really started to feel like I was getting the hang of talking to new people. And ultimately I had no idea that these steps I was taking were all ways to... network!

It was a strange epiphany because I thought I was just bad at networking, but I realized networking is just a strategic approach to talking to people you don't know. And if you have an approach, it makes everything feel straightforward.

As my career pivoted over the years and I found LinkedIn, I realized that networking with people whom I admired and shared similar professional interests with was the way to go. I wanted to really meet people in the companies and industries I was curious about and hear their stories.

It took me a few steps to get back into the swing of networking, but I established a set of principles to remind myself of making conversations as easy and organic as possible.

1. You control your story

For a long time, I used to think that everyone somehow could read my body language and my thoughts. I used to think being 100% honest was always the best thing to do no matter what.

Then, I realized that I don't have to tell the whole story or even the one that I didn't like! Learning how to shift the stories to fit the appropriate situation made me feel so much more in control when talking to new people.

For example, you could have fallen down on your bike and scraped your knee. You could continue to tell people you were "bad" at bike riding, or, you could say, "Oh yeah, I'm a little rusty but improvement is on the way!"

It's a small twist to honesty because not everyone you meet has to know everything about you. And if you feel comfortable and want to be vulnerable, take your time, there's no rush.

2. Everyone likes to hear themselves talk

I also used to think that I had to fill a conversation with interesting things to say - but when I was younger I didn't have a repository of stories and struggled to hold a conversation. I learned through working in hospitality that people love to talk... about themselves. This is sometimes called "small talk" because it gets a bad reputation for being vapid, but there are many great open-ended questions you can ask anyone, for example,

"What's your favorite dinosaur?"

I was once asked this question on a first date and it threw me completely for a loop. But it not only broke any tension between me and the other person, but it also opened up a whole dialogue of additional questions.

Remember, everyone has their own story and if you want to know, it's up to you to ask thoughtful, funny, surprising questions and let them lead the conversation.

3. Always find a connection

No matter how small, any similarity goes a long way in holding a conversation. Maybe it's a similar school, favorite color, or best place to go and eat. The possibilities for opening up are endless. I once was able to connect with someone because we were in scary similar outfits. We both sort of looked at each other and laughed - what are the chances of wearing a yellow button-down and a red sweater?

He and I actually worked extremely well after that, oftentimes referencing the "time we shared a closet". Look for connections when you are networking because more often than not the other person is also hoping to find that thread.

4. It's okay that you don't get along

And when you don't succeed with a connection it's the hardest part.

I remember when I had my first conflict with a guest and nothing I seemed to do or say could help or fix their problems. My manager said they were "livid at just the sight of me" and I had to physically leave the area. I didn't even know I could offend someone just by existing. Then there's the first time I thought my humor was going to land and ended up offending a person I admired. There are plenty of other misfires and failed networking attempts in my journey.

Ultimately you can't get everyone to like you and on the flip side, you can't like everyone. Did everything work out with all those things I messed up on? Yes. I was able to apologize and do what I could to be positive. It didn't lead to a great and beautiful relationship, but, the important lesson is that I tried and that's the best I could do at the time.

In situations like this, it's best to stay civil and redirect the conversation to topics that will help both sides feel as comfortable as possible.

Be courteous and kind and you can always politely decline future networking sessions with a simple, "best of luck with your future goals."

Networking is the endgame

And now that I've professionally networked on LinkedIn for about nine months, I realize that it's less about obtaining information or access to anything special, it's really about forming relationships with people I would not have met otherwise.

It took me a while to feel completely authentic but with practice and the kindness of people in the global community, I was able to find some really amazing people.

In fact, an amazing space I have found to organically network is an organization called BobaTalks where I and other mentors help students navigate all kinds of life questions. The link is to a public discord that anyone can access, and if you're interested you can check out the LinkedIn page here.

There are also tons of platforms in 2023 that are popping up just for networking. I have started to love connecting with people through similar forums and conversations all over, so don't limit where you can find the opportunity to meet people, the world is changing all the time!

The relationships you build are unique to you

Most importantly, this journey through networking has taught me that my relationships are my own. I can choose to interact with whomever I want and find meaning in the silence of a networking request gone cold or the joy of connecting with someone because we love the same song.

Whichever way you take your networking remember to treat it as something you enjoy and want to do, after all engaging and forming a thoughtful, quality relationship only a couple of times wins 100% over a thousand random transactional requests where you can't even remember why you reached out the person in the first place.

Listen to yourself and know that networking will always pay you back in dividends, you just never know when, where, or how the opportunity will appear.

?? The Reframe: “I build thoughtful and engaging relationships my own way.”

Do you have any fears about talking to new people? What platforms have you networked on? Let me know in the comments!

Thoughts, experiences, and perspectives are my own and are not a representation of previous or current employers.

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#networking #relationships #peoplematter #connections #opportunity #myway #confidence #overcoming #progressnotperfection #mentoring #empathy?#compassion?#reframeweds