Reformed Alpha Female

By Lindy Earl

The term Alpha Male originated with Frans de Waal’s Chimpanzee Politics (google), which made direct comparisons between human and chimp behavior, including dominant behaviors.

The theory is that, like other species, some men tend to have dominant personalities, thus dominate conversations and situations. I’m not discussing the science, I’m just using the term.

Alpha females came along because, too often, there wasn’t a strong male in the home, or relationship, thus women had to become alphas in order to survive. Think about the statistics on the number of single parent homes, and of those, which parent usually remains with the children. Alpha females developed out of need.

In addition to the family, women have paying jobs that have more responsibility than existed a few generations ago. The alpha female is now at work as well as at home. The women get used to the decision-making role and their alpha tendencies tend to creep into every part of their lives, even relationships.

The alpha women I know personally do not want, enjoy, or cherish the role, including me. We all prefer to be the beta with a strong alpha as our partner. In dating over the past few years, however, I have found it difficult to drop my alpha behaviors. It’s especially difficult, I think, for women who have younger children, because a mama bear will protect her cubs at all costs, even the cost of a great relationship.

Simple behaviors are hard to change. For instance, when I walk into a restaurant, it’s just normal for me to tell the hostess how many people are in the party. Since a gentleman always opens the door and I precede him into the restaurant, I had to learn to stand there and allow my date to speak to the hostess. So simple, right? I actually had to learn to do this, because my normal behavior was to take charge.

I’m not a feminist and actually believe that feminism has hurt our gender. Sometimes it just makes sense to make a decision and move on. But, we can’t have it both ways! If we want to accept the role of the weaker sex, and some women do, then we need to allow the men to be the protector, aggressor, and dominant male. It’s a conundrum, right?

When I was married I was blessed to be mostly a stay-home mom. I did work part-time and volunteered almost full-time as homeroom mom and in other activities. Since I was home, and my now-ex-husband worked so many hours, I took on more and more of the traditionally male roles. 

I didn’t like it, but I learned that if I wanted the Christmas decorations down from the attic, it was better for me to get them myself. Then I went ahead and decorated alone or with the children. That’s not a big deal, but I would have preferred to do all this with a partner.

It progressed from there. With kids in school, I had time for yard work, everything from planting in the Spring to mowing in the Summer to raking in the Fall and Shoveling in the Winter. I hated it all! I, incorrectly, thought that I was being a helpmate. In fact, I now realize that I was emasculating my husband. I wanted the chores done and thought that I was helping him, but in fact, it gave him great excuses to not come home and not accept responsibility when he did.

I had slowly become an alpha female and was running the home, even with a husband in the house. It wasn’t a partnership. It’s not what I wanted, but I was too close to see what was happening until the marriage was over and divorce papers were signed.

So, as I began dating a few years ago, I realized that I still had alpha tendencies, such as talking to the hostess at a restaurant. Yesterday, when I chose to stand still and wait on my date, I learned that he had made reservations. Wow! I would have looked like a fool and there would have been an awkward moment if I had pushed ahead. Whew!

I realize that my alpha tendencies were acquired over a few years and it could take just as long to un-learn them. It’s going to first take awareness. Where am I taking initiative and responsibility that I really don’t want and would love to have a man to take charge? 

I’m still able to invite a gent for supper and decide what to make, so I’m not giving away every decision. I wouldn’t want to do that and he wouldn’t want to be responsible for, literally, every decision. 

I think the specifics could change with each person and couple. Some women may enjoy mowing the lawn, in which case it would not be an alpha-moment as much as a preference. That’s a double win.

I think finances is another area where I will be very slow to withdraw my alpha tendencies. First, I am very good with money and I like my organizational system. So that’s an area that I may never relinquish. As long as that works for a future spouse, it’s all good.

I need to take the back seat in other ways, such as driving. I’m a very logical person, and if it makes more sense for me to meet somewhere, I would probably do that. But now I realize that a gentleman picking up a lady is where chivalry begins. He goes to the door to get her, opens the car door for her, and the mood is set. He is helpful and protective and she gets to appreciate his manly behavior just as he gets to enjoy his alpha role.

These are the areas where I need to be a reformed alpha female. Yes, I can open my own door, but I like it when the door is opened for me. Yes, I can call a server over, but I like when the gentleman takes the initiative. Yes, I’m used to being the one to respond, but it’s so nice to have him to answer.

I’m not giving up my independence, but maybe, by giving up alpha tendencies, I can find an interdependence with an alpha male, and we can both be happy in our roles.

   I would love to hear from you. Please comment and share your thoughts. If you like this article please share with your network!

Lindy is a Consultant, Speaker, and Writer, currently living in Atlanta, GA. She is The Business Coach focusing on Relationships through Communication, Leadership, and Corporate Culture. You will be more successful with Lindy on your team. Please contact her at [email protected].