A reflective piece about self-awareness

I was asked to write a reflective piece about my self-awareness relating to my behaviours, beliefs, attitudes, resilience and wellbeing. When I submitted it, I felt that maybe others could benefit from it and, so, here it is in all its glory:

I became more aware in January 2018. I remember it very well – I was having an appraisal with my superior, the company’s Operations Manager, and he gave me feedback that I didn’t like.

He told me: “you don’t take criticism very well.”

I didn’t like being told this and started to explain to him that I do, in fact, take criticism very well and started to give examples of how, when and why I did and then stopped when I saw the look on his face. I was proving his point.

I didn’t take criticism very well!

And, from that moment, I determined that I would most definitely take criticism.

I used to see criticism about anything related to me or my role or my work as a personal attack. My mentality was that I was trying my hardest and if anyone dared to notice something wrong that was their problem, not mine, and I was going to give them several reasons why they were wrong and I was right and, even if they were right, why their opinion or observation didn’t matter because I was working hard and how dare they express their opinion.

The realisation that I needed to take criticism on board and learn from it in order to grow better was just the tonic I needed. I went from seeking validation and “yes” to trying to encourage people to find fault so that I could do better and grow. Since I started listening to the “High Performance Podcast”, I frequently hear people saying that you can’t grow unless you fail and you learn more from failure than you do from success and I’ve found out that is so true!

I’ve learned to take people having the courage and strength to criticise me is a massive compliment to me as a leader and a person. There are so many people who, like me pre-2018, can’t accept criticism or that they have done things wrong. Those people won’t be able to grow or develop properly because others won’t give them the feedback and constructive criticism they need to improve. People will shy away from talking to them because “what’s the point, they’ll only get defensive and argue with me and I don’t want the hassle of that.”

I want to receive constructive feedback and criticism and I want to build a team that do the same – a team that takes criticism on board rather than saying “I’m doing my best, how dare they say negative things? They should be grateful that I’m doing these things, not saying I’m doing other things wrong!”

It’s not easy to do this – the other day, after receiving negative feedback I fell back into my old ways and found myself ranting. “I was with my son and supposed to be watching him play football and instead I was on the phone to that person, negotiating fees with them. I gave them a great deal because they were desperate and they’ve got the nerve to say something negative after all that?” Once I calmed down, I regretted my outburst (which I did to a poor random colleague who knew nothing of the situation and not to the person who had been negative) and organised a meeting to discuss the concerns raised. I feel that I’m allowed a “slip”, especially when I feel overwhelmed, providing that when I’ve taken time to cool off I take the criticism on board and look to improve.

I don’t take care of myself as much as I should. I am aware of this but, currently, don’t put as much effort into resolving it as maybe I should. I get validation and joy from work and I used to feel bad for this, until I listened to Steve Barlett’s “Diary of a CEO”, where he said the same thing – that he felt at his best when he was working and he shouldn’t be shamed for this because it is a thing and society needs to accept that some people don’t need to take a break from work and, in fact, need to work more in order to feel their best. I feel this wholeheartedly. Admittedly, sometimes, I do need that break just to step away from situations and take a look at things from a different perspective, but more often than not those breaks will serve to have me read and learn about self-development and improving myself. Even the breaks involve work in some manner.

You need to be resilient in my role, especially since the COVID pandemic swept the globe. There were times when I could have easily given up and walked into a role that involved less responsibility, blame and effort. But that’s not me. In 2021 I experienced what I would describe as a “breakdown”, when things got on top of me and I couldn’t see a way out, but with the support from colleagues and people that I know professionally (and a very kind stranger from LinkedIn who has become someone I trust) I came out of the other side stronger than ever. I learned that meditation is important when feeling overwhelmed and undertook a diploma to learn how important mindfulness can be to people. I know that I should meditate more than I do, as it will help me when I feel that things are getting on top of me. I’m a massive advocate for mindfulness and recommend that everyone downloads the “Headspace” app to help with this.

This is why I took on a coaching and mentoring course – I have learned so much about giving and receiving feedback and helping others work out courses of action. Even today, reading Sir John Whitmore’s “Coaching for Performance” book, I learned that I should consider spending less time “managing” and more time coaching my colleagues to improve their performance and, thus, the standards of the care home.