Reflections on what I knew as a child on International Women's Day

I have seen so many sunsets.  Sunsets that the highveld in South Africa is renowned for,  where the colours are unashamedly bright, and the sky flaunts glory to all who will take the time out to stand in wonder.

I am not sure why I remember this particular sunset.  The birds swooped against the sunset, tiny sparrows, spreading joy against the painted backdrop and the crickets took out their violins to start the symphony of the night.  I was waiting outside for my dad to come home.  I was allowed to wander between our house, the Mitchell’s and the Williamson’s who lived on either side, beyond that the boundary was a no-go zone as the sun retreated behind the creek and the railway line across from Nigel Road.  This particular evening, I walked balancing on the curb facing west, the golden sun slipping down, the kerb warm beneath my feet and as I stood watching my tiny world, I suddenly knew that I was a mere speck in the universe, but regardless of the how small I was, I knew I could create something.  I knew I was the fibre of love.  I knew that I had power.  This knowing felt like the world had stopped, the sun was bestowing an energy and the wonder of the world was filling me up from the warm kerbstones through my body, into my head and beyond.  I stood balanced on this tiny kerb, in a tiny town, at the bottom of Africa and I knew I would do something with my life.  In fact, I knew I could do anything with my life if I really wanted to This knowing seeped into me.  Where it was from was entirely unknown to me to this day, but it was strong and right and deeply convincing.  

A part of me, perhaps even sceptical at the young age of nine, said “test this.”  My nine-year old brain, tested it the only way I could think of, which was to say, if I could walk one foot in front of the other, entirely balanced on the kerb without falling off, in true Nadia Comaneci style, then whatever I had felt was the truth.  

My friends and I often tried to stay balanced for the approximately fifty metre length of our property on the kerbstone.  We invariably fell off, especially me, who was never the most athletic of the crew.  

This particular evening, I put the universe to the test and slowly put one foot in front of the other and balanced my way from the edge of our property to the edge of the Williamson’s, the sun beckoning me to believe in myself, to believe that I was here for a purpose, for a reason, for growth for the good of myself and the world.  As I made it to the end, I felt my spirit expand.  Those last gingerly steps where I could have fallen off and didn’t.  Those seconds that confirmed that what I was feeling was in fact the truth.  Here I was, the length of the property, done, I had made it.  

What I felt must be true.  I never told anyone of that experience as a child. I had no words to articulate or explain it, but I felt that universe had blessed me and that I was going to be something.  

What I did not realise then was that feeling where I felt so filled with power and creativity and the ability to do something would also clash with everything I was being programmed for at a societal and social level.  I was just a girl.  A girl who was supposed to get married, stay small, have babies, be a good mum and host tea parties and dinner parties for a successful husband.

Later, in my teens and twenties as I battled with anxiety, it never occurred to me that part of my anxiety stemmed from being compliant, doing what I was told to do and wanting something more.

The world has changed since I was young, many of us now being afforded opportunities that we would never have been given before. Yet so many of still battle, the anxiety and guilt of being a mother, a wife, an executive, and an imposter in our own lives. As we all try to make our way to being good humans, whether we are men, women, gay, straight, have mental illnesses or are aging; let's examine whatever makes us feel like we don't belong, let's go back to our nine-year old selves, where anything was possible and treat each other in a way that says it is.