Reflections

Today, when I started this reflection my head was not in a great place.

Christmas is not particularly my favourite time of the year. It reminds me of loss and I have huge feelings of inadequacy around Christmas. Have I bought enough? Will we have enough? Will what I bought show people how I feel about them?

I am one of the crazy people who really thinks about people and what they would like as gifts. Something personal. For example, for my dad its usually a shirt and bodywarmer. Why? Because he works outside a lot and I want to feel that he is warm, that the love I have for him is keeping him warm. Then there is the concern about what colour will match his eyes, does it have pockets for his tape, screw drivers, handkerchief, the concerns that someone who intimately knows someone will think about (maybe?)  It’s not just ANOTHER shirt and body warmer, it has thought and love in it. I do this for everyone. Then I freak out (usually) on Christmas Eve, when the shops are closed and Amazon does not guarantee next day delivery, that I don’t have enough, that one person will receive more than another. That one will think because they received a bespoke piece I thought less about them than I did the person who got three pieces from the store. Crazy stuff.

Christmas Eve before Santa calls is probably the most stressful time as I want to make sure the house is warm enough for the jolly red man to call and that Rudolph gets his reindeer food, We, have clean and freshly ironed Santa bedclothes and jamies (tradition) and everything is picture perfect. While it all looks amazing on the outside, I never feel good enough on the inside. I do love Christmas Day morning. Mrs Claus lights the fire so when the children get up the lights are on and the sitting room is warm. The children are adult and semi adult now, but the traditions remain. This year will be the first Christmas Eve without the stress.

But where has that feeling of “not good enough” come from? DO WE ALL HAVE IT?  AND how and why do people enjoy finding that chink in the armour and pick at it. And when -or does it stop?  

When people pick at those sore spots, do they do that to hurt, as a personal attack or is it something in themselves they feel they don’t like? If I’m honest, I often ask myself the question  why should  I care?

Hurting people and questioning people to make them feel inadequate is not my thing. If I have to give something  to people I try to do it in a way that makes people feel supported and not alone. I try to make people see what they have done well, and what needs improvement when I lecture, when I mediate I support people to reach agreements- for themselves, not for me. It’s not my outcome. For friends, I try to adopt the same attitude, and support them to reach their own outcomes. For family, I listen when required.

 Is it family that make us feel at our most vulnerable? I have been observing this for many years as a professional, as a person and family member, and I believe that the answer to this is yes, but I have also observed that it is colleagues and people we aspire to support (Is this ego?).

All views here are my own, I will not be using quotes from authors or research statistics. These are simply Sharon Morrissey’s observations. Family form our reference point, teach us right from wrong, good from bad, our moral compass and code. However, when things go a bit per shaped as inevitably they will (we are human) it is how we repair and reform tell say so much about how we manage vulnerability. If we make a mistake and are mocked and ridiculed for it, the chances are that scar wont heal. And when we as adults are questioned and queried in that same place the scar will reopen.

Why is it that showing vulnerability, allows some people feel that it is ok to cause further pain? Why do people see vulnerability as a weakness? Why do people find it difficult to self-reflect from a place of genuine love and curiosity for oneself, to learn more-, maybe heal (but certainly not to hurt others?) What makes people feel they have the right to critically question anyone?

 I have no problem being questioned, in fact, I really admire the curiosity. However, people being critically questioning and disrespectful I do not like. I have spent the day pondering that feeling. Why do I not like lack of respect and possible arrogance? It certainly is a trigger for me.

My pondering has brought me to this line of thinking, (knowing me as I do, there will never be a conclusion as my thinking will change and evolve). I am a respectful person, my core values are those of honesty, integrity and respect. I will give those freely as I say these traits are the core of my being. However, by giving them, there is a subconscious biased belief that they will be returned.

This is not the case, and herein is my internal conflict. It has many times this year become an external conflict. 2020 has made me a different person, I believe 2020 has made us all different people.

Those I see/meet showing vulnerability are being met with kindness and warmth by some and by bitterness and arrogance by others.

 Lockdown one- we were all in this together, the world was going to be a more united and helpful place.

Lockdown two, the world became angrier and egocentric.  Some people showed their weakness and vulnerability by becoming nasty in real and online world, and some people retreated into self where it was emotionally safer. Some people listened and learned, while some shouted and blamed. It (in my world as I have said) has become polarised. It has made me feel unsteady at times. It has made me question myself at times. It has made me work hard at understanding my reactions and the possible reactions of others at times. It has made me question my core values. Nevertheless, I can question myself, to take time to check in with myself in an academic and spiritual sense. It has given me the space to check my foundations. And what I have learned is that my foundations, my core values, the things that make me, me Sharon the person, Sharon the mom, Sharon the wife, Sharon the daughter, sister, friend, colleague aunt, godmother, Sharon the mediator, Sharon the lecturer and Sharon the student has a solid foundation of honesty, integrity and respect. I have the honesty, integrity and respect to myself to reflect, question, ponder and continue this self -awareness journey that 2020 has brought.

To the people who have made me question myself and my foundations, I thank you, and to the people who have stood alongside me and questioned me with integrity and respect I thank you, and for all the other reflections of 2020, I thank for the learning.

www.Sharonmorrisseyconflictresolution.ie

[email protected]