Reflections on Navigating Life's Biggest Fears - A Personal Exploration

A few weeks ago, I attended a social event where I met new people, discussed emotional intelligence, and enjoyed exquisite food. I had an engaging conversation with one of the attendees about life's unfairness, which led to a light bulb moment.

"Nadja, I used to be overwhelmed by life's challenges and trivial details until I stumbled upon a monk's blog. He discussed the three biggest fears in life, from which all other fears stem: death, abandonment, and failure. This understanding brought me a sense of peace and helped me focus on the art of living and mastering life on its own terms."

Their words inspired me to dedicate my next three newsletter reflections and write about our biggest fears in life, from my perspective.

Over the past few weeks, I contemplated which fear to address first. Should I eat the frog first and start with the fear of death or keep it lighter with the fear of failure? I figured that addressing the fear of death first would create a natural flow for the other two topics.

Today's reflection is an exploration of how to use fear of death to live beyond your potential in practical and daring ways. I wholeheartedly believe that reminding ourselves of our mortality can set us free. But it also does not mean it is a free pass to do stupid or harmful things.

As always, these are my reflections and insights, and not everyone will resonate. My aim with this newsletter is not to convince or persuade, but to broaden perspectives, fostering empathy and inclusion as we live life on our terms with peace of mind and respect for each other's choices.

Here are six ways the fear of death has helped me build resilience, find courage, and achieve inner peace, and I hope it will help you do the same.

Daring Decisions: How Bold Risks Can Transform Your Life

When I resigned in 2018, I'm glad I didn't know then what I know now. Otherwise, I would have revoked my resignation and let fear stop me in my tracks. Becoming an entrepreneur after two decades of employment is a significant leap, especially in challenging times. When the world closes in on you, and you find yourself alone, thinking, "Chips, what have I done?"

That's when fear can either break or make you.

P.S. I use "chips" as a classier alternative to “shit”.

Looking back, I don't regret my decision, as the lessons I learned along the way far outweigh any fears or doubts. I recall people asking me what I would do with my son, to which I replied that I'm pretty sure people keep their offspring when they leave NATO. During my struggles as an entrepreneur, some friends advised me to get a job and abandon my venture, unintentionally feeding into my fears.

I realized that, from their perspective, that's what they would do. However, my desire to be bold, brave, and keep my fire burning was much stronger than my fears of failure. And I have failed several times, which will be discussed in part three!

The fear of dying has catalyzed my drive to persevere because, when I'm engulfed in fear, I close my eyes and imagine myself at the end of my life. I seek advice from my dying self, and suddenly, clarity prevails.

Use the fear of death to take risks – small, big, or calculated – and reflect on them instead. This reflection practice sets you free through clarity of perspective.

The Path Less Traveled: Integrity Over Comfort

Integrity helps us go to bed with a clean slate. Sometimes, doing what is right comes easy. For example, when I spot fake news or misinformation, challenging views online and offline comes easily to me now. Sometimes, I bite my tongue and keep my fingers from typing because not everything or everyone needs Nadja's opinion or input.

But when it is something I feel strongly about, I speak up. This was not always easy and came with great discomfort, opposition, and judgment.

For example, I used to share posts like a mailbox: sharing an article, adding a few words here and there, and hitting the post button. It didn't feel right for me at that time. I didn't want to be an online mailbox; I wanted to be a creator and share my creativity. Of course, when I shared this vision with the people around me at that time, their immediate reaction was that it was too selfish and self-centered. I believed them because women are often taught to tame their ambition and not outshine others.

I am quite stubborn, so I ignored the advice, felt the discomfort, and started posting my way. It wasn't necessarily the right way or what I wanted, but I made a start. Over the years, I have learned so much about how I want to show up online in a way that brings value to my network and allows me to express myself in unique ways.

Fear of dying has helped me let go of limiting beliefs, judgments, and shame. Not everyone will like what you post, not everyone will support you, many will copy and paste you, and not everyone will like you.

At the end of the day, when you imagine you are dying peacefully, do you really want to regret not showing up as uniquely you because of what others may say, do, and think? Instead, would you want to die without having released your music into the world? Like music, there are genres. So find your genre, and the people who like your music will listen and enjoy your sounds.

From Self-Doubt to Self-Assurance: It is a Journey to Confidence

I've had my share of dealing with insecurities in life: my own insecurities and those of other people. If you don't do your inner work, your insecurities will cause all kinds of dysfunctional behavioral patterns. In my case, I suffered from an inferiority complex, where I felt less than others because of my cultural background and working in a male-dominated environment. When I say male-dominated environment, I don't blame men for my insecurities. For me, it shows that when you spend a lot of time in an environment where you have no role models of what it means to be accepted for who you are and not for your title, status, or appearance, it keeps you living below your potential.

So whenever I felt insecure, I would start comparing myself to others. Sometimes it was with envy and resentment that I would never measure up to them. Other times it was from my ego trying to feel superior to them so I could feel better about myself in that moment. Both behaviors were dysfunctional because they came from a place of wounding rather than from a place of worth.

I did the work; I healed my wounds and insecurities one by one. Anyone who tells you there is a quick fix for becoming confident and that you will forever lose your insecurities has lost touch with reality or is only after making money based on your insecurity. Everything that feels unfamiliar to our mind comes with great discomfort. When you learn to become comfortable being uncomfortable, it is there when you learn to move forward in life with courage and confidence despite your insecurities.

Fear of dying has helped me own my worth, act from a place of personal power, and rise through the discomfort of developing a confident mindset that helps me live a fulfilled life. It gives me perspective in moments of deep insecurities that this is just a moment in my life, and I will not let this moment define my story.

Let your fear of dying help you focus on the outcome and how you see yourself standing in your personal power when insecurities take over.

Embracing Life with Humility and Grace

It is easy to get caught up in material success and wealth in today's society. We compare ourselves with the biggest influencers, the best-selling authors, the multi-millionaires, and how much money we can make at the speed of light, no matter how many dead bodies we have to walk over. There is nothing wrong with making money, I love and enjoy getting paid for my services. My point is more about how transactional some of us can become in the process of making money and ignoring the humanity of it all.

I remember I was in New York on May 14th, 2014, shopping for a watch for my father. I remember feeling annoyed as to why I always had to buy him material gifts, and I did not want to spend my time looking for a watch. I was caught up in my ego and did not understand that his love language was one of receiving gifts. During the night, I had turned off my phone, so I did not receive phone calls in the middle of the night because of the time zone. When I woke up, there were six missed calls. My father had been hospitalized, and it was best if I would fly back as soon as possible. In that moment, nothing really mattered, as the fear of losing the person who raised you is indescribable. Three days later, he died peacefully while holding my sister's hands, my hand and in my mother's embrace.

Death humbles you, as it shows your ego that you are nothing without a heart and soul who has loved, shared, and felt. His memory and the love we shared are what keeps him alive in our lives. His death helped me kickstart my own transformation and start living more humbly, more lovingly, and with more awareness of what is truly important in my life.

Accepting the Past and Letting Go of Regret

My love for fancy cars was a main thread throughout my life. My last car was a BMW X3. I remember ordering it when I was 3 months pregnant. I had test-driven an automatic version, and when ordering the car, I was convinced that I was ordering an automatic. Five months later, with a big belly and accompanied by my late father, we went to pick up my car from the BMW garage.

What a beauty! I was in awe. I felt so excited to finally have my new car! I opened the doors, touched the leather, and I noticed numbers on the gear. I looked the salesman in the eyes and asked why there were numbers on the joystick?

He answered that it was a manual and that servotronic meant something else. Surely this was a mistake because I ordered an automatic. Could we change it? We would have to replace the whole car, Mevrouw! My father tried to comfort me and said that driving a manual was much better than an automatic, to really feel the sensations of driving a car.

My father was growing older, and his heart disease and diabetes made it difficult for him to still drive without instilling fear in others. He wanted to drive my BMW X3 so badly, but I did not allow him. I was afraid for his safety, but also I was scared he would scratch my car just as he had scratched my previous one.

On his deathbed, I remember a one-way conversation with him, expressing how sorry I was that I never let him drive my BMW X3. That's what my ego reminded me of, my attachment to material wealth over fulfilling my father's need to feel alive and proud. When he passed away, I remember crying and asking him to forgive me. My mother was so distraught at the time of her husband's passing, minutes after he died, she confirmed that he really wanted to drive the BMW X3 and was hurt by my action, which made the emotions of guilt and regret worse.

Over the years, I learned to forgive myself and let go of unnecessary suffering. In those moments, all he felt and all I felt was love. There was no point in being stuck in the past, regretting our actions and thinking we would have done things differently if we only knew. We probably would not have because life is life. We do what we do based on the information we have at the time. We do our best with what we know, at least that is what I like to believe.

Don't let the fear of dying keep you stuck in regret and self-punishment. Forgive yourself and move forward with more wisdom. For me, I don't have a car now, and I am perfectly happy taking public transport or renting a car when I need one. I enjoy the experience of material wealth but I am no longer attached to it.

The Beauty of Simplicity in Everyday Life

This leads me to the magic of enjoying the simple things in life. This may sound cliché, especially if you have been modeled growing up to value hard work, doing, and achieving more and more. Whenever you want to chill and enjoy life's simplicity, you may struggle to be at peace, as if something is wrong. I used to drain my energy trying to achieve more and prove myself through material possessions and accolades of achievements. But none of that was ever enough as long as I did not feel enough by simply breathing and existing.

For a long time, I valued material wealth and external validation over my own inner peace. Life's experiences and adversity have humbled me in many ways, and I learned to let go of the need to prove my worthiness to anyone. Because ultimately, that's what it's about. If we are brutally honest, if we don't feel enough, we are likely to always seek out external wealth and people to make us feel enough.

This is like living in a bottomless well because it will never be enough, unless you start filling your cup with spiritual wealth first, before building your material wealth. It is ironic that when you feel enough, your energy levels rise and you achieve far more than when you come from a place of lack. A place of lack creates more stress and drains you from your energy if you are unaware of your mindset.

Enjoying simplicity helps you get through adversity. When adversity hits, when challenges arise, I appreciate the simplicity of taking one action at a time. I don't project, I don't make up worst case scenarios, I feel and I ask myself: what is the next right step?

Viktor Frankl's book, A Man's Search for Meaning, explains it well.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”

Fear of dying has helped me appreciate all of life and feel happy within the most simple things in life. It has helped me transform complexity into simplicity, ambiguity into clarity, and uncertainty into safety. When we embrace that our time on this planet is finite, our perspective on life changes.

Don't let fear of dying take away your power, but rather let it help you step into your power and remind you that you are the author of your story and the star player of your script. There are chapters where you take the backseat, there are chapters where you learn life's lessons the hard way, there are chapters where you feel lost and lonely, and there are chapters where you feel unfulfilled and without meaning.

You may not be able to change the beginning of your book, but you do have the power to change the ending.

I look forward to sharing my insights about the second biggest fear of life: Abandonment, or the fear of not belonging.

Love,

Nadja ?? ?? ??