Reflections on my Father

While we know the loss of a loved one is unavoidable, I now know one can never be prepared for such an event. We lost our Appa (dad) on July 18, 2024. His departure evoked inexplicably deep emotions in me, only furthered after witnessing what he meant to my mom, my siblings, his grandchildren, and the community that he had been a part of for such a long time.?

I kept returning to this idea that, everything, -- money, success, fame -- fades at the hands of time. In the end, the only thing that seems to matter is how you made people feel.

As far back as I can recall in my adult life, I have been working to define my purpose. My first version was, “Be happy and make others happy.” But over the years, it became clear that happiness is only momentary. After several iterations and many, many books on self-exploration, I am now at “Be positive, and spread positivity.”

As I was grieving the loss of our beloved Appa, I kept hearing from our family and friends that they recalled Appa as the “most positive and humorous person.”

“Wherever he was, you would see laughter, joy, celebration, and light,” they said.

Then it dawned on me that I could have discovered my purpose much earlier just by looking at my Appa. So what made him that person who spread positivity wherever he went?

Humor and Positivity in the face of adversity: Born into an agricultural family, Appa’s farmland inheritance was enough for the essentials, but never for any extravagant expenditures. Despite this, Appa made us feel we had everything. He always said, “We are rich. If we wanted, we could get a luxurious car tomorrow. We just choose to live a simple life.” Much later I realized our reality. Every college-term, Amma would tell me she had no idea how Appa would find the money. But somehow, he always made sure that he provided for all the expenses that matter the most in life.

Never ending curiosity:?Appa was raised to believe their family’s farmland was enough and was never forced to pursue higher education. Despite this, Appa was perhaps the first entrepreneur that I have witnessed, although I didn’t realize it until much later. He was a car mechanic, a taxi driver, a farmer, and the first to try many other things in the region – silk, cotton, shrimp & fish farming, sugarcane – and the list goes on. I still recall after his first visit to the United States in his late fifties, he was so fascinated by its modern agricultural practices that he tried to replicate them in our farm in India. He was driven not by money and success, but by the simple curiosity to break the status-quo and improve.

Importance of Education:?Coming from a family that never realized the importance of education even for men, let alone women, Appa had the courage to send our older sister to a college outside of the village to get a bachelor’s degree, despite all the questions it raised. That first step inspired my younger brother and I to pursue a college education as well. Now all 3 of us are educated, our kids are being well educated, and I’m sure it changed the trajectory of our future generations to come as well.?

Parenting Canvas:?One of the best things that Appa and Amma have done for us is leaving us in charge of designing our “life canvases.” It’s common for parents to seed their unfulfilled ambitions, dreams, and wishes in their kids and push them in a certain direction. Appa never insisted we do any such thing. Instead, he always did everything he could to support what we wanted to pursue. It’s one of the principles I’ve committed to for my kids as well. “Guide your kids but give them the full freedom to design their own canvases.”

Appa’s take on Equality:?India has made huge strides in improving gender and caste-based equality. However, not when Appa was growing up. I still recall the caste system being very strong even during my childhood, a time where children were coached on how to behave around children from different castes. But Appa always treated everyone who worked on his farm equal, irrespective of their gender, caste or creed. He shared meals, took care of their needs, and attended their big events – and because of that, he was always well-liked by everyone.

Relationships matter more than material things:?In my early twenties, I met someone while I was traveling back from Chennai to my village. During our brief conversation, he was excited to learn who my father was as he shared with me that Appa would always pay for his bus fare or meal every time they met. This is not a one-off incident. My grandmother’s sister shared a similar story at his 60th birthday. Many a times such selfless expressions were mis-interpreted as well. Nonetheless he always prioritized relationship over material things. I sincerely believe that we are better off because of Appa’s selfless acts, and many people’s well-wishes.

Appa,

Even though you are gone, I can feel your presence in every positive thought. Thank you for giving us hope in the face of adversity, making my life’s purpose as clear as the sky, and guiding me through the rest of my life’s journey. Could not have asked for a better father!