Reflections on my 1-Year ADHD Birthday

January 31st 2023:

I took a half-day from work so that I could sit through a fairly intense 2-hour interview with a specialist. We delved into my childhood, my experience of school, university, making friends, and what hobbies I have. We poured over school reports, questionnaires completed by my mum and my partner, and what felt like endless assessment tools that I’d completed in advance of the session.

?At the end of that session, at the age of 31, I was diagnosed with combined type ADHD.

Now, I had planned to write and publish this post on my ADHD birthday, and as you may notice it is now past 31st January 2024. That’s a result of how my ADHD impacts me, but it’s not just about running late or forgetting to do things, in recent weeks I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that my ADHD (and likely autism, but that’s a topic I’m leaving for another day) disables me.

No, society disables me because it is not built to support my brain and my being.

I am disabled.

What is ADHD?

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is divided into two main categories; inattention, and hyperactivity-impulsivity. I’m the lucky little nightmare (heavy sarcasm) that has the combined type – so my symptoms span both categories.

Here’s a rundown of some of the symptoms I’ve experienced:

Inattentiveness symptoms:

• Becoming easily distracted
• Constantly changing activity or task and struggling to focus
• Appearing to be unable to listen when people are talking directly to meI get a glazed look on my face that my partner now recognises almost instantly. It’s not personal, I genuinely can’t help it and have to work hard to pull myself back into actively engaging.
• Losing or forgetting thingsE.g. Once I drove away from my mum’s house having put an Easter egg in the boot of my car, I left everything else – my suitcase, handbag, house keys, car snacks, everything – on the floor next to my car, and drove off without it. She had already gone back into her house after waving me off so didn’t notice. I was an hour away by the time she realised and called to tell me to drive back.

Hyperactivity and impulsivity symptoms:

• Fidgeting
• Excessive talkingThis post is long for that reason, I won’t apologise.
• Interrupting people in conversationsOne of my most hated symptoms.
• Having difficulty waiting my turn
• Acting without thinkingE.g. I went to book my car in for new tyres and ended up walking out of the showroom with a new car, because in the moment I preferred talking to a friendly sales assistant, than a mechanic that I assumed would talk down to me because I’m a relatively young-looking blonde woman.For many ADHDers this can lead to addiction issues, risky behaviour, and financial difficulties. Buying a new car turned out to be a solid financial decision for me, but for others their vulnerability to impulsivity can be life-altering.

What have I done to support myself to live with ADHD?

Medication

Almost immediately after my diagnosis, I decided that I wanted to try medication. Medication isn’t a good option for everyone, but in the past I have responded well to most medications I’ve tried (I’ve been on antidepressants for almost a decade), and felt that it was worth trying this route in order to begin to alleviate the burnout I was experiencing. Medication has genuinely changed my life; it turned off the constant white noise that had been playing in my head forever, and gave me silence. It gave me space to think, the ability to form a structured thought that I could follow from beginning to end, and it stopped my brain from feeling like it was constantly on fast forward as my body tried to keep up.

I’ve been incredibly lucky to not be impacted by the UK’s shortage of ADHD medication . The reason for this is that I went through a private company for diagnosis, and had asked my specialist if we could try a ‘cheap’ drug first as I knew I’d have to pay for it myself. It wasn’t cheap, it was relatively cheap compared to other options, but it also happened to be the only ADHD medication without manufacturing issues and shortages.

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ADHD Therapeutic Coaching

Alongside medication I started therapeutic coaching, which has been incredibly helpful for me. Once a fortnight I sit for an hour and talk through all the reasons why I feel like an alien, why I don’t understand someone’s actions, or how my working style can work in conjunction with someone who works in a totally different way. My coach then works with me to untangle those feelings and provide solutions and ideas of strategies for me to implement. The aim is to improve not only my own self-esteem and self-worth, but my relationships and work life too.

I firmly believe that everyone should have therapy at some point in their lives, and at the moment I don’t see an end to my engagement with ADHD therapeutic coaching. That’s not a sign of failure, it’s a commitment to myself, to getting to know myself and my neurodivergence better.

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Flexible working

When I got my diagnosis I worked at a university, and was lucky enough to have a lovely manager that was in support of my need for flexibility at work. I also knew that I would be leaving that job to move to COUCH Health – a completely different working environment outside of academia. I was terrified. After meeting with my ADHD coach she suggested that I request working a 4-day week with Wednesdays off, giving me an opportunity to rest and recharge in the middle of the working week. I did as she suggested, writing and re-writing emails to my new manager (hey, Ash Rishi ?) to try and strike the right balance between ‘I promise I’m a good hire’ and ‘please don’t say no’. I needn’t have worried. I started my role in June 2023 with the 4-day week in place, and still work that way now.

Cool, so all good then?

I thought that medication, coaching, and flexible working meant I had solved my ADHD.

I thought it would ensure I would never burn out again.

I thought people were disabled by ADHD because they didn’t have the opportunities and privilege that I had.

I thought that if everyone had these 3 magic tools, we’d no longer refer to ADHD as a disability.

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How wrong I was.

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Cut to January 2024. I’d had a two week break over Christmas and New Year, and had a lovely time, but it wasn’t restful. My family live a 6-hour drive from me and I’d done the trip there and back twice over the holidays to celebrate Christmas with them, and then again for my birthday. My partner was working offshore so I was looking after our dog alone, and I was slotting in catch ups with friends too. The break went quickly, and though I enjoyed my time off and was excited to be back at work, I was not well-rested and feeling refreshed.

Wednesday 31st January, exactly a year since my diagnosis, I went to my fortnightly coaching appointment as normal. I explained that I was tired, like to my bones tired, my brain felt fuzzy and my thoughts felt frayed and difficult to keep track of.

I was told in no uncertain terms that I was teetering on the brink of burnout, and that I had slipped back into a dangerous routine of trying to act like a neurotypical person, when I am not. My coach ended the session with, “You’re in big trouble, Heidi, you have to change something quickly.”

screams into a pillow

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I was so angry with myself, and so frustrated with this brain that’s making my life difficult. I stomped home and retreated to my bed for the remainder of the day. I let myself be frustrated.

Once I'd finished wallowing I told my manager how I was feeling, and then started to put things into place to help pull me back from full-blown burnout. Limited meetings, fresh air, a walk in the middle of the day, wearing my most snuggly and heavy jumpers to keep me feeling grounded, easy meals, setting alarms to alleviate the cognitive load of remembering things. I’m still frustrated, but I’m beginning to reorient that frustration to society and our deeply entrenched hustle culture.

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What next?

This isn’t a post where I can round off with an answer or solution that means I won’t be in this position again. It’s a post to highlight one experience of ADHD, one year on from diagnosis. It’s vulnerable and probably a bit indulgent, but I think it’s important to share.

Diagnosis didn’t give me the answer to my ADHD, because my ADHD isn’t a problem to solve; it’s a lifelong disability that will ebb and flow as I learn what it means for me. I've had this brain for my whole life, so I've had 31 years of thinking it could be treated one way and just one year of knowing that most of what I knew about it before was wrong. I’m still learning. I’m figuring things out, trying new strategies and approaches, seeing what works and what doesn’t, and getting my head around the fact that I can be a leader, a researcher, a creative, a thinker, a doer, all while being an ADHDer too. ??