Reflections from the snow

So, it turns out my “above average” skiing skills come from a deep, core belief that I am not good enough.?

This realisation was not quite what I ordered when I set off alone for some restorative ‘me’ time on the slopes during half term. It was therapeutic enough - just not quite in the way I had expected. ??

It hit me in the face, much like the sunshine reflected by the snow, as I gazed out at the incredible landscape from the comfort of the ski lift.?

I got lost in nostalgic thoughts about my younger self who spent so many Saturdays and winter holidays speeding down mountains in the southern Alps (a tough gig growing up in the south of France ??).?

When I was 16, the club I used to ski with asked me if I would become a ski guide/instructor and take groups of young people up the mountain (some who were older than me!).?

I couldn’t have been more excited. How cool was that?! My friends certainly thought so.?

Yet, I distinctly remember a big part of me being terrified and questioning if I was even good enough to do it. I compared myself to the other instructors and to my close friend (who was also asked to take the role the same year as me) - I felt like everyone was better than me.?

I thought of all the other possible reasons why they might have asked me… Maybe they felt guilty asking my friend and not including me (we always came as a duo, never one without the other)? Maybe they felt that after so many years of ‘loyalty’ to the club, I would be upset if they didn’t ask me? There had to be some other reason.

The idea that they might have thought I was reliable, responsible and a good enough skier didn’t even cross my mind.?

So I spent the next two years striving to prove (to myself and everyone around me) that I did deserve to be in that role. I pushed myself harder and harder. I followed other instructors when they went off-piste and reached well beyond my comfort zone. I always volunteered to take the stronger groups and lead them to their limits - the way teens often crave.?

I became a pretty good skier. But I don’t remember really enjoying it much. I thought I did at the time. Reflecting back now, I realise that I was too worried about what everyone else was thinking and too focussed on ‘proving’ that I was never truly ‘in the moment’, relishing the joy of what I was doing for its own sake.?

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Achievement

I realised in that moment on the ski lift two weeks ago that this was another manifestation of a much deeper sense of not being ‘good enough’ that I’ve carried with me in almost all areas of life.?

Nicole LePera, a holistic psychologist who wrote the book ‘how to do the work’ (brilliant book!), explains the difference between healthy achievement and unhealthy achievement as ‘who you are doing it for’.?

When we strive and achieve because we are driven by our intrinsic motivation to do good, do well, grow and improve, we get satisfaction and comfort from within ourselves. We don’t berate ourselves when we make mistakes and we don’t blame others for our failings. Other people’s opinions are a source of feedback & information but they don’t define who we are. The result is a deep, genuine and sustainable form of achievement, satisfaction and contentment.?

Unhealthy striving is when we are doing it for external validation from others. Have you ever thought: I’ll relax/stop striving when [fill in the blank]... I get that promotion, that new contract, when I close the next investment round, when we get ‘outstanding’, when I become CEO…?When we strive in this way, we never actually never reach the point where we can relax, enjoy our achievements and feel true contentment.

Our protective armour

Throughout my childhood, I developed a whole host of protective behaviours to keep myself safe from that feeling of not being ‘good enough’ that I carried, nurtured and sustained all through adulthood.?

Brene Brown calls the combination of these protective behaviours our ‘armour’.

If you are human, you have armour. If you think you don’t have armour, that’s armour!?

It manifests differently in different people and under different circumstances. What’s important is getting to know what it looks like for you and learning to take it off as much and as often as possible.?

Other forms of armour include:

• Being a knower and being right
• Needing to be seen as ‘important’ at work (including taking credit for other people’s ideas & overvaluing hierarchy)
• Perfectionism
• Being critical & judgemental of self and others
• Blaming and shaming of self and others
• Being cynical
• Striving for validation from others
• Discriminating (excluding others), particularly those who think differently to us - creating a culture of ‘fitting in’ where people surround themselves with people who are ‘like them’
• Controlling (self and others), through micromanaging, taking over, avoiding risk
• Addictions (all forms of numbing including work, alcohol, exercise)
• Denial
• Distractions – keeping ‘busy busy busy’ & not facing real emotions or difficult situations
• Rescuing?
• Overriding our own needs for rest and recuperation
• Not being present
• Avoidant or clingy relationships
• Lack of self compassion
• Perpetrating on others
• Victim survival attitude/helpless apathy

The biggest problem with armour - and the reason we hold onto it so tightly - is that it serves us. A client asked me recently: “What if I don’t want to feel ‘good enough’? What if I like the way it pushes me?” - such brilliant questions!?

Armour distracts us from genuine contentment

By society’s standards of what ‘success’ looks like, my skiing achievements are pretty awesome. My friends probably thought I was very cool being a ski instructor at such a young age. They undoubtedly saw me as extremely confident and self-assured.?

The problem is that our armour gets in the way of genuine and authentic satisfaction, peace and contentment. It limits our ability to relish and enjoy life and can lead to burn out, ill health and sub-optimal or broken relationships.?

Our armour distracts our attention away from what really matters. It often leads us to overvalue things that are outside of our control (outcomes, the future, the past, the actions, thoughts, opinions of others, etc.). Contentment, happiness and resilience come from taking the armour off.?

When we take our armour off, we free ourselves to focus on what’s real and what is in our control (our boundaries, our thoughts and actions, the goals we set for ourselves, how we deal with challenges, etc.).?

Our inner and outer worlds become more closely aligned and we no longer have to live two truths. The energy we gain is liberating - literally like taking off a heavy suit of armour. See Taryn Stejskal’s research on resilience.?

The more aligned we are with our true selves, the deeper the connections we make with other human beings and the more nourishing our relationships become.?

So what does living and leading ‘unarmoured’ look like??

When we are unarmoured, we:

• Are empathetic and compassion towards ourselves and others?
• Are learners not knowers - we are curious, open-minded and flexible?
• See failures and mistakes as learning opportunities not as a reflection of who we are & our capabilities?
• Seek comfort from within ourselves
• Set and hold boundaries that help us show up as we mean to show up for ourselves and others
• Prioritise self-care and restoration
• Take calculated risks
• Are aligned with and follow our purpose
• Act our values?
• Foster a sense of belonging in our groups and organisations (the opposite of creating a ‘fitting in’ culture)
• Are clear and kind with our feedback (we don’t avoid hard conversations)
• Set clear expectations and support people to succeed
• Hold others in unconditional positive regard?
• Don’t judge ourselves or others?
• Believe that everyone can improve with support?

From the mountains to coaching and leadership

To show up in the way I want to as a coach, I work really hard on taking off my armour. I do it through self-reflection, in supervision and ‘in the moment’ with my clients. I pay attention to my physical and emotional state and the unconscious (sometimes conscious) responses to clients and the situations they face. It’s what builds my resilience and inner strength and what serves my clients most.?

Armour removal is a superpower for all the leaders I work with. When they get up close and personal with their own armour and learn how to take it off - when they ‘dare to lead’ as Brene Brown says - they build resilient teams and organisations that flourish in the face of challenge, uncertainty and adversity. Their wellbeing is enhanced and their ‘way of being’ becomes contagious, spreading to those they live and work with.?

It’s not easy. In fact it’s really really hard and it's a practice, not a skill. We are all human beings and armour is a part of the condition. We also experience systemic, structural, organisational and environmental barriers that make it very hard to disarm. In a culture where blaming and shaming are prevalent, for example, we can not expect ourselves and others to disarm. There is no judgement in my words, just an invitation for reflection...

I’m immensely grateful to be living my purpose as a coach and to spend so many of my waking hours thinking about these issues, practicing my own de-armouring and supporting leaders with theirs. I am conscious that this is a privilege as well as a responsibility and my hope is that it becomes a much bigger and more intentional part of the life of all leaders in all organisations.?

What resonates for you?

Do any of the protective behaviours stand out as particularly thorny for you or others around you?

This article is inspired by my personal experience, the experiences of my brave and compassionate clients and the work of admired researchers including Brene Brown and Taryn Stejskal.?

For more on this topic, I invite you to check out Brene Brown's work, particularly her book and podcast of the same name: 'Dare to Lead' and Taryn Stejskal's book 'The five practices of highly resilient people' as well as Amy Edmondson's work on psychological safety beautifully expressed in her book 'Fearless Organisations'.

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