Reflections from a forced sabbatical

I have heard that the loss of a job can be compared to the feelings one may feel with the loss of a loved one. Having just lost my last living grandparent just weeks before I was laid off, I now know this to be true. Still being neck deep in the grief weighing me down over the loss of my grandmother, my untimely removal from employment only added to that weight. 

You think you are ready for what may lie ahead. You have seen the writing on the wall for months. You have given yourself enough pep talks about everything happening for a reason and there being a greater plan and if it were to happen you would be ok. You've had a good run, you've served your time and you've served it well. And then it happens, and all those pep talks go right out the window and you find yourself lost in a soul crushing abyss. 

My world went dark the night before June 14th when I got the calendar meeting invite. I went cold, couldn't catch my breath, started to feverishly text my team members to see if I was the only one. I even attempted a Hail Mary save by reaching out to a senior leader to see if anything could be done. No answer. I tried to rationalize that maybe this wasn't it but as I went up to bed crying into my pillow I knew that it was. 

The following morning, I gathered my strength and went in. The office was eerily quiet people shuffling around quickly no one looking each other in the eye. Then it happened, in a room with no windows via video conference with a senior leader I had never met. I collected my package paperwork, packed up my desk, said my goodbyes and headed out.

Door closed ...

I still ask myself why a lot, probably more than I should. I haven't gotten to the closure or acceptance stage yet and not sure if I will, but I have chosen to use this experience as an opportunity to look inside myself, listen to my heart and see the silver lining. Committing to that early on, lifted the darkness and started to open doors. 

The truth is I would have never left if I hadn't been forced to. I showed up everyday and "made it count". I worked hard in my almost 5 years to grow myself and those around me and to be a positive force of change for our office culture and community. My job allowed me to do what I was good at as well as pursue opportunities to fill my heart and soul. My forced sabbatical though made me realize that the job I hold and the company I work for do not define me. It's the passion and "all in" attitude I show up with everyday. It's the impact I make for myself and those around me. It's my personal desire to keep growing and asking "why?" that propels me forward. 

The support, guidance and willingness to help I had from day one, helped to push away the feelings of hurt, worthlessness and rejection. I had spent many years building a strong network of career mentors and coaches that I continued to cultivate and grow into strong life long relationships. When I put out the call for help, they rallied around me with not only love and truly humbling words of encouragement, but also job leads, referrals and introductions. I soon began to feel appreciated, valued, useful and even desirable by potential future employers. 

The "search" became a job in itself. I spent more time on career sites and LinkedIn than on any other site. I spent time having coffee and lunch and video calls with friends and mentors seeking any guidance they could offer on my next steps and how to best prepare for them. I updated and reworked my resume several times to better sell myself. I became more comfortable talking about myself, perfecting my personal pitch and highlighting what sets me apart from other candidates. Most of all I prayed hard and asked others to pray even harder. I allowed myself time to be quiet and still and listen to my heart letting it guide me where I was supposed to connect. 

The last 52 days have taught me more about myself and my journey, than I had ever hoped to learned through my past roles. Through the hurt and the stress and the moments of doubt I also began to see all the other little moments and silver linings that make up my days beyond those dark ones. I spent more time being present with my family and friends and worried less about my calendar and my inbox. I reconnected with a local nonprofit offering my time and services to help build and grow theirs. I spent a week leading and participating in a service camp through my church where 70 middle school and high school students voluntarily gave up a week of their Summer vacation to help others in their community. I spent time just being still and listening. 

As I embark on a new chapter, I do so a bit more weathered but also more open and aware of myself. I am more confident in myself and my abilities and will continue to bring my full self to work and to life and let this experience propel me not define me. 

Here's to closing doors and the opening of new windows ...