Reflections of Fatherhood - Part 2

My oldest son was only six months old on June sixteenth, 1996. I woke up early, finding him already wrestling in his crib. Picking him up, we tiptoed downstairs. I set up the video camera on top of the television console, selected one of my favorite Elton John songs, and pushed 'record'. As we danced across the family room, I held him high above my head. He laughed with each twirl. When the song ended and I stopped the camera, he simply stared at me and smiled.

I've often pondered the alternate reality of not being a father. My aunt and uncle, childless, lead seemingly simpler lives, free from late-night worries about a yet-to-return child or the emotional pang when a child leaves home for the first time.

Yet, I believe God gifted me with my four children to allow me to share with them the love their heavenly Father has for them. I want them to know the depth and breadth of love. At times, this love manifests as a firm 'no', teaching them boundaries, even in the face of disappointment. As they grow and strive for independence, there will always be a tug-of-war. But when they approach me with heavy hearts and reach out, I can show them the true meaning of love.

My eldest, Jacob, got married less than two months ago. I encouraged him to overcome his initial fear and say hi to the woman who would become his wife. He continues to be fearless, trading corporate life for entrepreneurship.

My second son recently graduated with his Master’s and now works for KPMG's Innovation Services group. His spirit is free; he enjoys life while leading a team of developers.

My twins, now in college, are crafting their own lives. Olivia, a data science and mathematics student at UCSB, mirrors my drive for perfection. Lana, my artist and athlete, plays college lacrosse and understands my anxiousness.

Fatherhood is more than saying 'no'. It often feels like being a problem solver when things get complicated. I miss those times when they asked me for cash as they drove off, now replaced by requests for grocery reimbursement. The feeling of emptiness, however, remains.

I recognize my mistakes - times when I was too harsh or made a mountain out of a molehill. I worry that in those moments, I might have chipped away a small piece of their love for me. These moments may always haunt me.

Father's Day may traditionally be a day for children to celebrate their fathers, but I see it as a day to celebrate them. For without them, the day would hold no meaning for me. Their love has given me the chance to experience the joys, challenges, and profound love that comes with being a father. Without them, my life would feel empty.

So, this weekend on Father's Day, I plan to pull each of them close, taking a moment to remember the times when I could lift them high above my head, their laughter ringing through the air. I will express my love for them and thank each of them for giving me the opportunity to be their father.