Reflections On The Different Stages Of My Life

“We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.” — Steve Maraboli (Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience)

Childhood

During the earliest stage of my life I often felt abused, confused, and discounted because I was black, fatherless, and scrawny. That is what others expressed in describing how they saw me.

My mother as it turns out suffered from depression, alcohol abuse, and the early stages of multiple sclerosis (MS) at the time.

Mention of my father only took place when I did something wrong and included an admonition that he was a good for nothing, deadbeat dad who never amounted to anything, and that because I looked like him I was probably going to grow up to be just like him.??

The black television characters that I identified with the most as a child were Matthew "Stymie" Beard Jr. (Our Gang) and Billie “Buckwheat” Thomas (The Little Rascals).

It certainly did occur to me though that it was quite possible for me to be something more than the inheritor of my father’s old and unwelcomed shoes or a nearly voiceless and inferior character.??

Early adolescence

In early adolescence these feelings had begun morphing into anger, insecurity, and poor decision making at times. I was aggressive with other kids, getting into fights, mischief, and displaying generally poor performance at school in the classroom.

By the time I was twelve years old, I had been caught shoplifting multiple times, ran away from home numerous times, had been sexually abused by a counselor at a sleep away summer camp, slept in a dog house belonging to a classmates family, slept on an iron bench on a golf course, was placed in a children's shelter, became a foster child, and ended up living in five different family settings prior to completing high school.

What always stuck in my mind the most though was what my grandpa once said to me, “Jon you are 12 years old now and very soon you’re going to become a teenager. I think that it is about time that you start thinking seriously about exactly what kind of man you want to grow up to become in life.” He further added, “The choices that you are making at this point are really bad ones and if you continue making choices like the one that you made yesterday to steal then they are going to surely lead you straight into a reformatory school or even worse to jail. I know that you’re not a dumb kid. So, let me ask you this, is that the kind of future life that you really want for yourself?”

The black film actors that I most admired in my early adolescence were Sidney Poitier (A Raisin in the Sun, Paris Blues, Lilies of the Field, A Patch of Blue, To Sir with Love, In the Heat of the Night and Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner) and Jim Brown (The Dirty Dozen, Dark of the Sun and 100 Rifles). In my mind, manifesting a similarly quiet and yet persistent toughness as displayed by both of them seemed to me at the time to yield much better results in a host of life’s venues. So that is the persona that I felt like I wanted to attempt to emulate.

Young adulthood

Entering into young adulthood I became increasingly anxious, financially irresponsible, and was quite casual and selfish in my relationships with young women.

Life for me was viewed as the ultimate sport or battlefield whether it be at work or in my social relationships. The overriding goal for me at the time was to never lose sight of my primary objectives which were to avoid becoming cowardly, incompetent or weak in the eyes of competitors, and both family and friends.

After a somewhat bumpy start in the working world, I quickly got raddled and fell into a bit of a slump. Slow starts became the common pattern for me in the midst of new experiences. I hadn’t gained the ability to relax and be present in the moment. In fact, I was so tense and worried most of the time that I repeatedly made careless mistakes. Things that others were able to do after being shown once took me two or three times as long to master. It often left me feeling deeply embarrassed and caused me to have tremendous self-doubt. Eventually, I learned that kind of thinking greatly fuels anxiety thereby making it all the more difficult to maintain sharp focus and produce noteworthy outcomes. I was completely unclear about why this kept happening and I had no concrete idea on how to go about preventing it. Refusing to quit is the only thing that got me through it all. As an aspiring athlete in my youth what I lacked in talent or skill I usually made up for with sheer determination. My coaches knew that and they let me know that they appreciated that quality in me and thought that it would ultimately serve me well over the course of my life.

My black role models as a young adult included; William “Kayo” Greene, my grandfather, Thomas King Jr., my high school basketball coach, and Arthur Robert Ashe Jr., an American professional tennis player who won three Grand Slam singles titles. “He was the first black player selected to the United States Davis Cup team and the only black man ever to win the singles title at Wimbledon, the US Open, and the Australian Open. He retired in 1980. He was ranked world No. 1 by Harry Hopman in 1968 and by Lance Tingay of The Daily Telegraph and World Tennis Magazine in 1975.”

It thrilled me to no end to observe the masterful or peak performances of others in all arenas. I absolutely marveled at the dedication that it required and I hoped that one day the work that I deemed important to me would reflect that same level of passion, commitment, and skill. However, I recognized that I still had an awful lot to learn about life, and myself and a lengthy road to travel before that could be entirely made possible.

Husbandhood

As a husband, for considerably longer than I would like to admit, I was highly impulsive, at other times insensitive, and still very spiritually immature. Especially when compared to the general disposition of my wife. A Christian, a medical school student, and a realist.

Gradually, I got my emotions in check and began taking advantage of every available inhouse learning and development opportunity that I could to further improve my skills, effectiveness, and most importantly my confidence. All of this yielded positive results. But as sure as the weather changes, these high note experiences don’t last forever. Everything that we engage in throughout our lives eventually presents new challenges, requiring both flexibility and some degree of retooling in order for continuing progress to both springforth and for sustainability to take root.??

For a good many, myself included, marriage is rather like riding a bike, there’s no getting around the fact that you just have to climb on to it, keep pedaling and before you know it you're riding straight ahead like a seasoned cyclist or dependable partner. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there won’t be any bumps, spills or that you’ll never need to fix or change a tire. You are going to eventually find that you will have to do plenty of that. But being married you now have the splendid luxury of never having to go it alone anymore. As long as you can learn to be honest with yourself, don’t shirk your share of responsibilities or do too many really foolish things then you can expect good things to happen.

However, those of us who have been married for a while know well that love-filled and successful marriages don’t come free. They most certainly cost plenty of time and effort, patience, letting go of past disagreements, humility, forgiveness and the steady loss of sheer overindulgence and self-importance.

Furthermore, if you choose to refuse to put in the important amount of work that this sacred partnership requires, not only will you be setting one another up for eventual failure. Unwisely bringing children into the mix will further compound the situation and contribute to unnecessary and long-lasting pain and suffering for everyone.

You have been forewarned. Just as there’s no “me” or “I” in the concept of TEAM the same principle applies equally as well to marriage between husband and wife and responsibly stewarding a family. It must always be about “us” and “we” because marriages are known to function best when operating as a well-integrated unit.

Fatherhood

When I became a father, I will admit that I was significantly clueless while exceedingly overjoyed at the same time. But deep down inside I was always worried that one day I might exhibit the same erratic behavior that I had so sadly witnessed and experienced from my mother. I resigned myself to the fact that I did not want to allow that to ever occur.

In as much as I would like to consider myself as loving, love as a way of being completely present in the moment and understanding love as something that should be unconditional was altogether new to me. It had not really been poured out on me like that from my mother. I did my best to draw clues from the other examples and sources that I became acquainted with when and wherever they blessedly surfaced in my life. However, I must confess that my manner of loving others then was still largely incomplete in its formation.

By this time, the best example that I had witnessed of fatherhood was being provided to me by my father-in-law through the ongoing stories that were communicated to me by my wife and her sisters, captured through their precious real-to-reel family videos and photographs, and by the continuing example that he afforded me through his very active relationships with his three daughters, his grandchildren, and with me directly as the youngest one of his three son-in-laws.

After losing Jonathan, our first child, at age eleven to a tragic auto accident. It became even more important to my wife and I to do everything in our power, with the help of God of course, to overcome that very sad and unforgettable life event, and to work to build an even stronger base of support underneath and all around Daniel, our youngest child. To do that we each sought and received bereavement counseling for the loss that we experienced with the hope that we could be restored as close to our wholeness as possible. It was a hard, long and painstaking process. While we were going through it, it was difficult for us to imagine that it could ever more tightly bind us together and serve to increase our faith and resilience. But it did. Thank you Jesus!

Then, upon re-emerging from the darkness, grief and gradually moving back into the light of a new day, we were left repeatedly asking ourselves what children are so well known for saying to their parents, are we there yet? After all, it often felt like we had been traversing the same long road of grieving forever. Surely we must have reached a more regenerative or transformative destination by now. Gleefully, the answer is affirmative.

Just like that, it now seems that the time has come for us to welcome in elderhood. How truly blessed we have become despite all of our personal sorrows. So what do we believe that we are being called to do at this stage with what we have been gifted with through our lived experiences and the wisdom that has been revealed to us through much prayer, bible study and service to others?

Elderhood

At last, I find that I’m calm, forgiven, grateful and healed. As a result of the miracle of the saving grace that I’ve been given by God, I would like nothing better than to be able to take all of the joy that is attached to my life’s many blessings and to pay it forward to our son, our grandchildren in the future, God willing, and my extended family and other African American Christians. Especially youth that are in transition to adulthood that I may have the honor and privilege to encounter throughout the faith community that God places me in.

In this bright season of my life, looking back on all of the illuminating experiences that I have had, I fully recognize that it’s love that makes the whole world go around and around. Without it, we definitely find ourselves reaching a complete standstill or brick wall. I have learned that in such instances, an enormous amount of human energy and spiritual potential fails to be properly nurtured, and gets wasted as it just dangles there, slowly withers, and wilts like unpicked fruit on its still promising yet seriously neglected branch or vine.

It has been stated in the past, that “When the pupil is ready, the Master appears”. Then this occasion like in a basketball or football game must be the fourth, final and deciding quarter for me because boy oh boy, have the grandmasters of all things of great importance to me begun showing up in a very big way. Profoundly equipping me for what has become the most awakened and finest stage of ‘my walk’ There’s Michael R. Carey, Ph.D. Associate Professor/Organizational Leadership Gonzaga University in the Spokane-Coeur d'Alene Area, Cindy Wigglesworth, President, Deep Change, Inc., Author: SQ21: The Twenty-One Skills of Spiritual Intelligence, Matthew Fox, a spiritual theologian, an Episcopal priest and an activist for gender justice and eco-justice and author of several books, Ronald Lawson, Chief Operating Officer at Care For the Homeless New York City Metropolitan Area and my Holy Cross College "Big-Brother", Evander Duck Jr., Theatre Artist/Physician New York City Metropolitan Area and a longtime dear friend, Bishop Darren A. Ferguson, D. Min and Pastor Bethel Baptist Church of Orange my minister and spiritual guide, Margaret Burnett, Ministry Incubator Coach, Pastor, Baker, and Vision Maker, and others far too numerous to be able to mention here in this limited space.

Gazing from this spiritual highpoint on which I currently stand, I recognize that my moral character was being mysteriously sculpted all along into the wise man that could not be made available to me through my paternal father when I was most vulnerable and uncomfortably struggling in my youth. However, to God be the glory and praise that all of the unfavorable circumstances that I encountered “were not for naught”. Out of them, He has carefully formed me in such a way that I can now begin to offer today’s youth ample comfort and shielding against otherwise crushing calamity, ignorance, loss of hope and joy, and seemingly overwhelming unfairness. All along God had a perfect long-range plan for my life. Repeatedly, clearing a safe passage in order that I might be used by Him, for His purpose, in His time and in service to others in need of a listener and helper.

In direct appeal to God through many prayers, friendships formed with complete strangers and many of the wisest persons that I know, and through hours and hours of research I have fortified a sanctuary for the sowing of dreams, renewed hope, fresh ideas, an abundance of joy, unrelenting resilience, and spiritual flourishing. Yes, I do fully believe that I am being distinctly called to gain increasing experience, more complete and proper study of the Christian bible, commitment to personal devotion time, to providing a consistent daily example of virtuous living, and to the mission of providing spiritual coaching and leadership development to black male youth and other persons of color. So that like myself, they too may discover and do what they love with their lives in service of others.?

"And that's my story and I'm sticking to it."

Thank you so much for your precious time and attention today.

God Bless you!?