Reflections on Coronavirus Part 8

In the eighth week of the 'Making Sense: Understanding the Meaning We See in the COVID-19 Pandemic' supervision conversations, we have continued to explore our experiences and perceptions of the world around us. As in previous weeks, this discussion was a free flowing conversation between coaches and consultants, and the summary below attempts to capture the themes....

As the call began I was struck by the sounds of birds singing, and the sunlight and greenery behind some participants, while others seemed to be in semi-darkness. Some seemed disturbed by the sound and others suggested that it made them 'feel so good'. 

We then began the conversation with a shared theme and association of being at a crossroads and moving between roles or phases of life. We discussed the idea of liminality, the emotionally charged, often sacred spaces of the 'rites of passage', where we are 'betwixt and between' worlds. In these spaces time itself seems to change, and I introduced the idea that time could be seen two ways. Chronotic time is our usual experience of the world as sequential and linear, but in liminal space, time may also be experienced as Kairotic. an emotionally charged sense that something is about to happen, which often arouses deep, archetypal questions within us; Who am I? What is this life for? What does this all mean? People described dreams that were returning them to childhood and places they had long since forgotten.

The group reflected on the extremes and polarities of emotions that they were feeling. Some participants described a sense of physical exhaustion, which seemed to be reflected on the faces of others in the group. Some felt reflective and described a sense of optimism and peace. Others described fear and 'terror' as they considered an uncertain future and the feelings of 'not knowing' how best to shape what happens next. Others described anger, focused at those around them who they felt were in part responsible for the problems we were now facing in our communities. We wondered about what felt like short term, expedient decisions by political leaders across the world, and whether those leaders were considering the long term wellbeing of our societies? Some people felt that for the first time they were becoming more aware of politics.

It was suggested that the rational or business focused approach often being taken in work was unhelpful. People described how their own fear was left with them, as colleagues (even those involved in psychological work) seemed anxious to avoid any opportunity to discuss feelings, focusing instead on what felt like unimportant operational minutiae. We discussed that for some, the very existence feelings was in itself terrifying, as this it opened up the possibility of a lack of control. However, the absence of relationship at work, seemed contrasted with the feeling that the crisis had opened up new opportunities for connection and relationship elsewhere, in calls such as this one. One participant suggested that, once the pandemic passed, they hoped 'the doors did not close' on these new ways of connecting.

We wondered about how we were insulating ourselves from these emotions. Some described the impulse to busy themselves and wondered whether they were deluding themselves by focusing on tasks and avoiding the questions of the future.

The conversation then became more academic, and the emotional flow seemed disrupted by models and references and I found myself losing attention. The 'human' seemed to disappear from the call and I wondered whether this intellectualisation was an attempt to distance ourselves from the raw emotions that had arisen. I wondered about the impact of discussions centred on feeling in contrast with discussions centred on doing, and the conversation then took a different turn. Others described that they has also become disconnected and suggested that 'terror' felt 'real', and being about to talk about it also felt 'real'. We wondered whether just 'sitting with it' was more powerful that trying to make sense of it. For some in the group, rationality was a refuge which allowed a fast flight from feeling.

As we returned to our 'felt experiences' we discussed a loss of meaning in 'what was'. We agreed we were at a crossroads and were 'calling bullshit' on the old world, but that we were not sure what we replace it with. We wanted to engage with this mess, this ' gooey stuff' but felt unable to 'get a hold of it'. We discussed the fear that we will return to normal after the pandemic, without having learned lessons of a wasteful way of living.

One participant returned us to the beginning of the call, and described how for them, the sound of the birds felt intense and evocative. They described how it felt as though the birds were trying to say something and wondered whether they were being prompted to consider the past. Our current challenge is about the present and the future, but perhaps it is the lens of the past that will help us most. We wondered how, the lessons from the past can help us better understand what is happening to us now, and make the way ahead easier to bear. One member then reflected on how the women in her family had faced the challenges of poverty, war and disruption, and suggested that the lesson they passed to her was about about 'smiles and strength'. We wondered how to behave now to prepare the next generation and what they will remember about how we behaved.

We concluded our conversation, by discussing the experience of the conversation itself. Participants reflected on the 'privilege' of hearing the different ways in which each of us was trying to make sense of the pandemic. We discussed feelings of 'lightness' and 'energy' but also a sense of 'tiredness' and 'confusion', about our responsibilities and the next steps. We wondered whether this experience was a reminder that we have not experienced enough in our lives. We concluded by reflecting on the feeling of shame associated with this, and the possible gift of ownership and responsibility for change that it left us with.

The conversations will continue next week....