Reflections on 14 Years

It’s hard to believe that today is the 14-year anniversary of my accident. It was the most pivotal day in my life, one that delineates “before and after.”

Life before was relatively carefree, my life skies were deep blue, the grass was green, and life was as uneventful as it gets.

<Insert nasty cycling crash here>

When I came to on Main Street after being struck by a sixteen-year-old driver, I was a different person, though I didn’t know it yet.

Everything was about to change—and I do mean everything. Little did I know that it was more than my body that was shredded that fateful November day. My entire life was about to get shredded—and I was the last to know.

Sometimes it feels like everything had to be ripped away to allow us to build a new life, from the foundation up, one brick at a time. Life today doesn’t even remotely look like life before the crash. Not even close. If you find yourself nodding, I don’t need to welcome you to the club. You are already there.

I’ll spare both you and me the tale of all the years that have passed.

The beginning years sucked big time. Suicidal ideation was commonplace. Every relationship strained. Many burst asunder. Yet my beloved Sarah stayed by my side.

The middle years sucked a whole lot less. From an occasional good day, I would have a good week, and more. I had regained my footing and, like a baby learning to walk, I was slowly finding my way. I fell on my bottom a lot, like a real baby, but there were times of unexpected joy, as I slowly realized that my life was not over—it was just very different.

How many people can say they’ve lived two lives in one?

The last few years have sucked even less. They have been good years. I live a purpose-driven life, serving humanity. The experience that both Sarah and I have shared makes us both uniquely qualified to help others who share our fate. Candidly, we know stuff, stuff that they can’t teach you in medical school.

We’ve both been exhaling for a couple of years now. “Whew, the worst is behind us.”

But our naivete came with a very steep price. No one expects a second life-changing day, but alas, that’s what we got.

The very stripped-down version…

Awaking last Thursday to something I intuitively knew required immediate attention, we scurried to our nearest Emergency Room.

My diagnosis: A congenital heart defect that decided to make itself known. The prognosis was not good. In fact, it was rather dreadful. Without immediate medical intervention… well, let’s just say I shouldn’t be buying green bananas any time soon. Hearing someone say that my aortic valve is failing is rather ominous.

I’ll go one step further—it’s f*cking terrifying.

The hoped-for outcome is open-heart surgery and the installation of a shiny new mechanical valve. I’m all for it—cut me open, take out the bad, and put in the good. Enjoy twenty (or more) years.

The American medical system is beyond broken.

An EKG weeks ago discovered this, but no one bothered to call me. It’s taken three days and countless phone calls, and Herculean self-advocacy, to finally get a cardiologist appointment set up. Why should something so critical to my medical care be so difficult to do?

I actually laughed on Friday. It was our second consecutive day in the hospital. The nurse was lecturing us on the importance of being able to advocate. I stopped her mid-sentence, letting her know we didn’t need to hear about self-advocacy, that we practice it as a way of life.

Facing my mortality like this is not how I expected to pass my 14th crash-iversary. I have to brace for what may be coming. There are affairs to be put in order. Things to say that I don’t want unsaid.

I am mind-numb. I am profoundly sad. I don’t say this often, but I am scared.

But life inevitably goes on.

Today I’ll continue to do what I’ve been doing. I’ll continue to take care of myself. Tonight Sarah and I will share a small cake. We always have cake together on the anniversary day. We both survived that day a lifetime ago.

And I’ll hope that God’s not done with me yet.

I still have so much to do.

~D