Reflection upon My Brother’s Sudden Passing

Summary?

1. Having a value system and philosophy that can meet the test of death?

2. Caring for ourselves is a community responsibility?

3. Each person is a story to be appreciated and valued; Love without adding burden.?

4. Making time to be with your loved ones alone

5. Loving community does not make pain less, but less painful?

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Introduction?

My brother unexpectedly passed away in sleep at age 48 in Shanghai. While I pursued an engineering degree and built a life in America, he obtained an MBA and became the CEO of the family business. He was generous, kind, child-like (but not childish) in spirit. In adulthood,?he and I took trips with just the two of us, traveling to Europe,?the?US, and China. It was pure bliss.?

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When I think about my brother, the first thing that comes to mind is how he had the unique ability to love without adding the burden so normal in most human relationships. He loves others as?they?need to be loved, not as he wants to love.?

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As brothers, we loved each other deeply. It still feels strange and raw that my brother is no longer here when I just spoke to him just a few days ago. Our family is grieving, but grieving with hope.

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While I am working with my parents and his now widowed wife to sort out the immediate practical matters, I had time to reflect. Below are my reflections, things I?thought?I?knew but did not really know until now. I hope sharing this experience will give you the wisdom to treasure and live out a richer and more meaningful life:?

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1. Having a value system and philosophy that can meet the test of death?

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My brother was Christian. In our sorrows, we found comfort in the promise of the Bible and the fellowship with his Bible study group brothers and sisters. They were immensely helpful in arranging for a dignified and beautiful funeral.?

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When a Christian passes this life, his spirit is present with the Lord and his body is asleep. Asleep because one day that body will be awakened and restored to eternal glory with no more sickness and decay (1 Thessalonians?4:13-14). We grieve because of love, and also because we have a natural longing for beyond life on earth. CS Lewis said just like we feel hunger because there is such a thing as food, we long for eternal existence because there is a thing called eternal?life.?

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Strictly speaking, the?Christian faith is NOT a religion or philosophy. Rather it is anchored on a historical fact that Jesus came, walked on earth, died, and was resurrected. His resurrection was witnessed by about 500 people with collaborating historical records.?AfterJesus’s resurrection, his?disciples (close followers) went from betraying him and denying him?before?his resurrection to boldly claiming the gospel,?the good news of resurrection & eternal salvation, and as a consequence choosing to face a cruel death in many cases.?

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The Christian faith is also not a?Western?idea. Jesus walked on earth in today’s Israel, in the center of Roman, Greek, Arabic, Persian, South Asian, and Eastern Asian cultures.?The Roman and Greek?Western?culture was indeed transformed by the Christian ideas that gave birth to the notion of individual dignity and rights, instead of the traditional notion of justice, namely the greatest good for the greatest number of people.?

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The greatest tragedy in life is not death.?Death is a reality we all have to face one day. The tragedy?is eternal salvation readily available by grace alone and through faith alone, yet not taken. When my brother is resurrected, my family and I will be there by the promise of Jesus, the only person that overcame death as a matter of historical fact.?

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2. Caring for ourselves is a community responsibility?

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Watching my parents suffer for their lost child is perhaps the most painful thing I have ever experienced. No parent should ever experience this.?

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While we as individuals have our aspirations and freedom, our health and well-being?affect the well-being of our family members and the community we are part of. As such, we have an obligation to live a healthy and vibrant life, taking care of our own physical and mental health, so that our parents, spouse, colleagues,?and friends do not need to experience the avoidable loss of their child and spouse in their lifetime.?

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3. Each person is a story to be appreciated and valued; Love without adding burden.?

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My brother’s life is like a romantic novel of adventure. My story has been more like a non-fiction documentary. We are different stories of different genres, yet each has its meaningfulness. So often, parents and spouses like to change their loved one’s story. A romantic novel modified into a non-fiction would no?longer?be a masterpiece, just like a non-fiction changed into a romantic novel would not be an enjoyable read. To love without adding burden is to broaden our “taste” range to include stories or genres we are perhaps not naturally attracted to. Recently, I?agreed?with my daughter that for each non-fiction book she reads, I will read one fiction book, and vice versa.?

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To live life well is to have expressed our life fully, thus we have the responsibility to live authentically and truthfully, encouraging others and giving them the space to live out their authentic life.?

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4. Making time to be with your loved ones one-on-one?

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At my brother’s funeral, his accomplishments and achievements were not the highlights. His love, his passion, and his character were.?

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The time we spent together alone as brothers and the trips we took stand out as treasured memories that allowed us to appreciate each other deeply. Often as adults, we visit siblings and parents with our children and spouse. While these times are certainly wonderful and have a place in life (especially during the holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas), spending time alone with our siblings or parents and traveling to new places with them, creates?a context for deeper relationships. Intimacy grows in solitude with one another, so let us be sure to nurture it.?

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5.?Loving community does not make pain less, but less painful?

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In the past when my friends and colleagues experienced loss, I often wondered what to say or do and even if my outreach was unhelpful or counterproductive. I can positively say now that simple messages of care and acts of kindness are helpful. Here are some of the best I received:?

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- “Ever since I heard the news, I have focused on you and your family, I feel for your loss and …. “?

- “Please focus on your bereavement, don’t worry about work, we will take care?of?it…”?

- “Thinking of you, your parents and kids. Wish I knew how to help. Let us know…”?

- “Please pass on my contacts to your parents, I am here to help”?

- “I will light a candle for your brother tonight”?

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Comerica Bank gave me the gift of 2 weeks?of?bereavement. My leaders and my colleagues were amazing in showing me grace and giving me the space to grieve. So many of my Harvard classmates?reached out with their warm support. My Harvard mentor shared with me the book “Resilient Grieving” by Lucy Hone, which I found very helpful in having the framework and vocabulary to help my family and myself to process this loss. Being treated to a nice dinner in a beautiful setting for a lovely night with one of my Harvard classmates in Shanghai was nice. So many business partners and church friends reached out to pray for us. My lovely wife and children were amazing in their support, from making the travel arrangements to caring for me spiritually and emotionally.?

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I am overwhelmed and surrounded by love,?for?which I am eternally grateful.?

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Conclusion

As I soon to conclude my bereavement period and resume my normal work schedule next week, I know my brother will always live in my heart. My brother believed in the glorious heavenly kingdom to come. He also wanted a world with more beauty and hope. Together with my brother, I wish this reflection could perhaps give you reasons to live more intentionally, authentically, truthfully, and generously, with kindness and eternal hope.?