REFLECTION, SHARING, QUESTIONS, (UN)ANSWERED

Some thoughts to share with my LinkedIn connections around the last couple of weeks.

At the end of the 10 day silent meditation course I recently attended just north of Auckland some conversations really struck me. I joined a couple of lovely ladies for a bush walk afterwards. One of them a young girl in her early 20’s with 2 young kids, in a relationship with their dad since childhood. Conversations led to her sharing the dynamics between her and her partner. He struggles with a meth addiction. He did a stretch in prison for a domestic violence charge against her. She attended the course with the hope to gain clarification on how to move forward in life at her own pace: stay with him or make a clear break from him once and for all.

Hours later I was sitting on a beach at peace in the sunshine overhearing a conversation between 2 ladies on Waiheke Island. One with her teenage son and his mate, the other what appeared to be a close family friend/confidente. The mother was sharing her concern over her son, trying to discourage his involvement with the prominent gang he’d joined. Her voice was one of despair.

Whilst I have had some experience of working with young people with challenging behaviour in the UK in residential care units, I am openly ignorant towards the dynamics of domestic violence prevalent here in NZ. I understand from my own culture and heritage that childhood trauma is largely to blame for substance abuse and domestic violence, a consequence of learnt behaviour for the majority. I myself witnessed domestic violence in my family home on a regular basis growing up and have received significant and hugely beneficial counselling to work through this, learning and understanding the impact this has had on daily life, relationships and so on. I can relate, within my own culture. In turn, having abused substances in my younger years I can relate, but again only within my own culture. For me this subconsciously helped to mask the pain of emotional abuse and neglect. Sometimes reality is too painful to face, numbing is a short term option to escape the pain.

Yesterday delivering a presentation to the Southern Institute of Technology in Queenstown to such a diverse multicultural group, hearing two young guys openly sharing their engagement and experience of counselling to overcome anger management issues really blew me away. Such powerful sharing, opened up through my considered delivery and gentle advocacy approach to the work. 

This morning I had my regular meeting with my mental health supervisor. She reinforced the value of the work I’m doing, that it’s important for me to keep doing my personal work (through regular counselling) in order to maintain a healthy balance in life without compromising my own wellbeing and my Connect and Care program delivery. Childhood trauma, abuse (in whatever shape it takes) in my opinion is the fundamental reason for substance abuse, addiction and domestic violence certainly in the UK. Is this the case around the globe I wonder? Naturally in third world and developing countries exception to this opinion will apply: where basic human needs such as access to food, water and health care are not met, not to mention the avocado cartel more recently exposed on Netflix!

My supervisor advised me it’s crucial I allow myself time, in a quiet space, to sit with all these conversations I hear and create, in order to absorb and process the information and its impact. I do that, through meditation. That’s what works for me, to keep my nervous system, self-doubt and whatever else in check. I need to remind myself that my work is powerful and of high value. If it can make a difference to one persons life each time I action an event for example, regardless of what nationality that person is…..then I’m doing enough. My main learnings from the 10 day meditation course this time around…….I AM TOO HARD ON MYSELF. Also that I (healthily) crave this wellbeing model to become WE.....US......, not I......ME.

Why am I sharing this today? 

QUESTION 1: Is my wellbeing program having a positive impact on the community?ANSWER: Yes.

QUESTION 2: Is there potential for other carefully selected advocates to receive training and help deliver the program to create a higher positive impact in the community at a faster rate?

Answer: Yes

QUESTION 3: Is it my responsibility to strive to reduce the mental health stats in NZ?ANSWER: I feel like it is, through sharing experientially in a way that others can relate.

QUESTION 4: Do I form a charity in order for this to happen, with a board of trustees OR is this a business model enhancing social sustainability and therefore to be driven in this way?

ANSWER: I don’t know? 

Thank you for taking the time to read. 

Mel Haarer, Wellbeing Motivator and Community Advocate