Reflection, how to practice: it's easier said than done

We always hear about the power of Reflection and we offer to others, countless quotes and our opinions. We expound it vigorously when we conduct leadership development programs or do coaching. So what really is Reflection? We know it has power but what does it really mean and how can we practice it?

We know we act out of both our conscious and the unconscious state of mind. Neuroscientists today, and there are enough who published this data if you google it, share that 5% of all our actions are driven by our conscious mind and 95% by our unconscious mind. When we don’t possess the art of Reflection, we are not able to sometimes regulate and control both the joys and demons which come out of our unconscious mind.

In this post, I would like to share aspects of Dr Siegel’s work and some of my own thoughts on Reflection and why we simply don’t do enough and why we should start practicing today.

Here are three building blocks and tips towards better Reflection:

1.   Building Block #1: OPENNESS – How receptive are we TRULY when we first hear something which goes against our very gut or what we may sometimes misconceive as our own past experience which we hold to be true? Openness is about being receptive to whatever comes to our mind, whether conscious or unconscious.

What you can do:

a.   Stop clinging to your own preconceived ideas about how things “should be”.

b.   Let go of expectations and receive things in their ‘as is’ state rather than trying to change them to our “should be” state.

c.    Put yourself wide open to being vulnerable to the “as is” state which goes against your own thoughts, values and judgement.

d.   Embrace the discomfort which comes with being open to something going against everything for which you had earlier preconceived notions of.

Key take-away: Openness enables us to sense things clearly and open us to new perspectives which defy our early strong experiences. It gives us the power to recognize restrictive judgements and release our minds from the grip of being “closed up” in our own cocoon of thoughts and beliefs. 

2.   Building Block #2: OBSERVATION – is the ability to perceive the Self even as we are experiencing an event. We can start to frame much more widely and it broadens our perspective moment to moment. The lens of our camera opens up to a picture we start to build dynamically with a much wider horizon. Like looking through the camera lens, we are no longer looking at just the object we initially wanted to focus as an objective.

What you can do:

a.   Observe and be aware consciously that you are actually observing. It’s like the difference between hearing and listening. In listening, we process our hearing by acknowledging what we hear and clarifying what we hear before finally showing empathy to what you have observed through listening.

b.   Call out to an inner voice and ask if what you observe is correct. Test your assumptions.

c.    Be prepared to ask questions to gain better context and understanding of your own observations.

d.   Do not be afraid to stand up against group think. If you are the only one observing it while everyone else is not and they start to look at you differently, it means they are all looking at the same object in the same way while you have broadened your camera lens to an entire wider experience.

e.   Practice being able to offer two opposing views or thoughts on the same observation.

Key take-away: Observation offers a powerful way to disengage from automatic behaviours and habitual responses driven by our unconscious mind. Once you sense your role in these patterns, you can begin to find ways to alter them.

3.   Building Block #3: OBJECTIVITY – allows us to have a thought or feeling and not become swept by it. It harnesses the ability of our mind to be aware that all our present activities such as our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, intentions and memories are only existing in a temporary state.

What you can do:

a.   Recognise that our current thoughts, feelings and intentions exist in a temporary state and they do not form the totality of who we are. They are not our identity.

b.   Practice the ability to discern. When you start to discern, you start to see a thought or feeling as just a mental activity and not an absolute reality.

c.    Always strive to be NON-JUDGING.

Key take-away: Discernment allows us to be aware that we are being aware as opposed to being lost in the target or our attention. This meta-awareness of being aware that you are being aware is a powerful skill that can liberate us from the prison of auto pilot reactions driven from our brain.

ACTIVITY: Try the following 3 step process to start practicing some aspects of Reflection using a case where a negative thought comes to mind and you want to practice changing the way you think or feel about it.

Name the negative thought or observation which comes to your mind. E.g. “I think my friend/colleague/subordinate/boss is not performing well and could lose his/her job”

1.   Challenge your thought/observation by asking “Is your thought/observation 100% absolutely true?” – This allows Observation to activate.

2.   Ask “How does this thought/observation make you feel”? – This allows you to recognize and accept any thought or feeling driven through your unconscious mind

3.   How would you feel if you did not have this thought? This allows Openness and Objectivity to get activated.

Now you completely reverse the original thought to a complete opposite perspective and say instead “I think my colleague is doing well and has potential to do more”.

Go through the same steps above but this time with the positive statement/thought/observation:

1.   Is this thought 100% absolutely true?

2.   How does it make you feel having this thought?

3.   How do you feel having this new thought as opposed to the original thought?

This time, question 3 has changed a little.

PRACTICE NOW:

Write here, a recent thought or anything or anyone you feel strongly about which you can’t seem get rid off from your head:

Thought/Observation:

Question 1: Is this thought/observation 100% absolutely true?

Question 2: How do you feel having this thought/observation?

Question 3: How would you feel if you did not have this thought/observation above?

Now reverse the original thought into a complete opposite statement:

New opposing perspective Thought/Observation:

Question 1: Is this thought/observation 100% absolutely true?

Question 2: How do you feel about this thought/observation?

Question 3: How does this thought/observation feel compared to first thought/observation?

By this time, you may have started to reflect differently and all the various three building blocks of Openness, Observation and Objectivity hopefully would have come to play one way or another.

Summary: The whole essence of Reflection is that we remain Open, Observant and Objective about what’s going on inside us and inside others (as opposed to inside us and merely just outside us). Having years of experience is not equal to having an ability to do deep Reflection. It’s a myth when we equate experience as adding years to our work life or having had success in the past growing something from nothing to something. If you can do practice reflections around the three states mentioned above, you will gain wisdom over experience without having the same long years of work or life experience.

Even if you start to consciously practice one element or sub-element above, it will start to shape you differently. It might be easier to merely Reflect consciously but much tougher to do the Act of practicing Reflection when you are actually caught in a situation so be mindful (aware you are aware) of practicing it when you are having an experience.

As for me, my own Reflections continue to humble me in ways I could not ever have imagined. My goal now is to pass on this “thinking how to think” and “Reflecting how to reflect” to my children so they gain far more wisdom than I could ever have in that lifetime.