Reflecting On Overcoming Domestic Violence

I didn't make a post about conquering domestic violence this past October. This past October I decided that I would post about the many other causes that were being highlighted throughout the month.

However, I am sharing this post from 2018 in the month of November, the month where we focus on all that we are thankful for well into the holiday season and throughout the month of January. I am doing so with additions to my story because every day I am more aware, more grateful, and more thankful that despite my circumstances, I AM STILL STANDING.

1. I need for the stigma to be eliminated in its entirety that shames and silences victims, protects abusers, and that silences children who witness the abuse.

2. I need for the stigma to be removed from "how long it should take before a survivor actually heals emotionally from abuse" and what that healing process actually looks like.

3. And I need for every survivor | conqueror to allow themselves GRACE to process what they've been through and GRACE to begin and/or continue the healing process at their pace.

Understand that you cannot make people understand that the survivor is not 'just' crazy or mentally ill. I've actually stopped explaining 'abuse' to people and have just left people with their own assumptions and beliefs. It is exhausting trying to talk to people, some of which have taken on abusive connotations themselves.

Listen, when you have spent a quarter or more of your life in nothing but abusive and toxic environments, what appears 'just' crazy for you is actually normal or survival mode for the person who has had to live through those environments. There is no 'type' when it comes to who is experiencing or executing domestic violence. Domestic violence has no respecter of person. The mental scars far outlive the physical scars for some and for others the physical scars are a constant mental reminder.

You are not going to leave a domestic violence situation and then 90 days later triumph to a state of so overcoming that nothing in your life reflects that you are a survivor. You will need to give yourself time once you have safely removed yourself from the abusive situation. And what that time looks like will depend on the survivor and a healthy environment where they can safely unpack, process, and heal from at times, decades of abuse.

This November through January I am going to tell you stories and provide resources across the board. The first thing that I want you to know is that community should not hurt. Your first community is within your home and with members of your family. I begin with my own story.

I've overcome and conquered two toxic domestic violence relationships. Sixteen years of my life was spent in violence (sum total of both relationships).

I have overcome and conquered childhood neglect and abuse.

I have overcome and conquered sexual assault, molestation, rape, and abuse.

I have overcome and conquered an addiction to alcohol and an addiction to prescribed pain medication.

I have overcome and conquered homelessness on more than one occasion.

In fact, I am more than a conqueror.

I graduated from college with my honors status intact… I walked across the stage without my honor cords because I'd missed the deadline to pick them up. Once I picked up my gold cords, I placed them on my mirror in my car. The car was reposed. I then placed the gold honor cords on my mirror in my home. I had a health crisis as well as another incident with my abuser and became homeless again. I lost my gold honor cords in storage. I couldn't pay the storage bill.

I then later found out that I was missing credits due to my having been unable to complete 3 classes. I was in a domestic violence shelter. The assignments weren't turned in in enough time to receive credit due to my being in a domestic violence shelter. The professors that I had worked with me to complete the courses off campus. I promise you that the professors were kind and more than willing to help me, an honor student, a student that took 7 accelerated classes in one semester and 4 accelerated classes during a one-month summer term and received an 'A' in each course. A student whose senior paper was recommended to become a series of books because I could never just write a simple topic paper. A student nominated for an excellence in writing award.

However, I was in survival mode. I could not feel, I could not think, and the only thing that I was being told at that time was that my priority was my safety. Anything else could be replaced. Anything related to school can be done once I was safe. And that I needed to focus on being completely out of the domestic violence situation. And I went along with this not knowing if I would be able to feel, think, do something else other than survive, or even be completely out of a domestic violence situation. What does that look like anyway? For me, I went from one domestic violence relationship into an even more dangerous domestic violence relationship. I joined religious organizations that mirrored the abuse I endured in my childhood. And I went through years in nothing but survival mode before I finally reached a safe space in which to begin my healing journey.

I am on track to becoming a first-time home buyer… I didn't purchase a home in 2018, that is still a goal of mine. My fear led me to rent again. However, I am overcoming that fear with each completed homeownership track process.

I have the career that I prayed for at the level that God blessed and positioned me to be at… God did more than position me, He shattered the whole glass ceiling in my world. I am the Owner | Founder | CEO of a full-service digital marketing agency & tech company.

I have two beautiful and intelligent children that are conquerors as well… motherhood is an experience. I have a transgender teenager with Asperger's Syndrome and a child that is a bi-sexual adult. I cannot keep up with the acronyms or their pronouns. I support them and love them in every way that I can.

A conqueror of self-hate, I love the woman that looks back at me in the mirror. I stepped out of my comfort zone months ago, and I stopped living my life in fear before stepping out of my comfort zone. I am healed, whole, and free indeed. And if God can do it in my life, I know that He can do it in your life too.

Felt like encouraging someone on today and reminding myself on where God has brought me from. And from which I will never have to go back too.

This chapter of my life I am learning to live healed and whole. I am not in survival mode anymore and for someone who has spent a great part of their life in survival mode, living outside of the 'kennel' is a mindset challenge that I push through every single day.

I am still free indeed. However, I didn't grow up seeing 'free indeed', I grew up seeing 'kennel' mindsets, codependency on systems of poverty mindsets, codependency on toxic family relationships, and codependency on religion-based lifestyles that had nothing to do with God or salvation.

I had to learn what it even meant to be free indeed. I am not codependent on systems of poverty. I unlearned religion and then I saw God. I have a relationship with God. I allow myself to be led and guided by the Holy Spirit that is within me. I have a healthy relationship with 'church', first, as I am the church where God dwells, which then allows me to congregate and fellowship at a non-denominational church that is centered around community. The second community for me is my church family.

More stories to come… in the meantime, as I pray for you to become free indeed…

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800)-799-7233

Text the National Domestic Violence Hotline: Text START to 88788

Chat with the National Domestic Violence Hotline: Via Google