Reflecting on Grieving

Grieving is such a complex process. It’s truly exhausting. I was not home when my beautiful S?ga passed on. There is nothing more heartbreaking than having to listen to one’s children breakdown and not be able to hold them. 35 minutes as my daughter cried and then cycling through a conversation with my son. All three of us joined in grief in three different locations. I truly value WhatsApp and social media. There is a value to a virtual community when one is alone in a strange land.

Cycling through the stages of grief is incorrigible because one is not just mourning the immediate loss. One is mourning the memories as they become frozen in time. Facebook is very good at the timeline reminder - 1 year ago, 5 years ago, 13 years ago and so on. My S?ga is now frozen in time at 19:30 on Friday 13 October as I told him to be good as I was going away. I always talk to my pets about my travel because I realized they get anxious when one of us leaves. I realized during Covid how attached we were. We did everything together. Getting our vitamin D, going on walks, eating, grieving (we lost a kitten during Covid - run over by an Amazon delivery vehicle) and communion and companionship. My animals have been there through the best and worst times of my life. They literally nursed me out of depression and Loki even tried to break down a door when he sensed I was in danger.

I think the most comprehensive grief process is the 12 step model of grief I found in an article https://rfhr.com/are-there-12-stages-of-grief.../

The 12-Step Model of Grief

While no universally accepted model specifically outlines 12 stages of grief, some sources have expanded upon the original stages proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to create a more comprehensive framework. Here is an example of an extended model that includes 12 stages:

1. Shock:

Immediately following a loss, individuals often experience shock and feel numb, disoriented, and overwhelmed.

Denial:

This stage involves a refusal to accept the reality of the loss. Individuals may resist the truth and continue to expect the person to return. Whether a loved one passed after a long illness or an unexpected death, it can be difficult to accept that someone won’t walk through your door again.

3. Disbelief:

Like denial, this stage involves a struggle to comprehend and accept the loss. It includes feelings of disbelief and confusion about how this could have happened.

4. Confusion:

In this stage, individuals may feel a sense of disorientation, difficulty concentrating, and struggle to make sense of their emotions and the changes occurring.

5. Guilt:

Feelings of guilt and self-blame can emerge as individuals question their actions, words, or decisions leading up to the loss. They may experience remorse or a sense of responsibility.

6. Anger:

Anger involve experiencing resentment and frustration. Individuals may direct their anger toward themselves, others, the situation, or even the person who has passed away.

7. Bargaining:

Similar to the stages proposed by Kübler-Ross, bargaining includes attempts to negotiate or make deals to change the outcome. It may involve seeking a different outcome through prayers, promises, or hypothetical scenarios.

8. Depression:

Intense sadness, feelings of emptiness, and a loss of interest in activities are common in this stage. Individuals may withdraw from social interactions and experience changes in appetite, sleep, and motivation.

9. Loneliness:

This stage involves feelings of isolation and loneliness as individuals grapple with the absence of the person or thing they have lost. It may also involve longing for their presence.

10. Acceptance Stage:

Gradually, individuals begin to accept the reality of the loss. Acceptance does not mean forgetting or being completely free of pain, but rather a willingness to adapt, find meaning, and integrate the loss into their lives.

11. Hope:

In this stage, individuals start to find hope and see glimpses of a future beyond the pain. They may discover new possibilities, find support, and regain a sense of purpose.

12. Renewal:

The final step represents a sense of renewal and transformation. Individuals begin to rebuild their lives and take an upward turn for the better. They may incorporate the loss into their identity and find new ways to thrive despite the grief. This is a time when an individual may look for new relationships in a healthy way of moving forward into hope.

Grief is a process unique to each individual, and it’s essential to honor and respect your individual journey of healing and growth, regardless of whether it fits into any model of grief stages.

There is also a wonderful pdf you can get online https://www.courts.phila.gov/pdf/mentor/mh/Grief-handout.pdf .

I think in Zimbabwe our grieving process is healthy because it is done communally and the family is left with someone to sit with the bereaved. It’s confusing to have a virtual stranger left to sit with the bereaved, however I truly appreciated it after my father died and the Garwe family mandated Jasmine, the daughter of my Dad’s great aunt to stay with Mum. She was amazing. A quiet, gentle soul who just nurtured and sat with Mum. She was so nurturing and watchful without saying much.

S?ga died at home under a tree. He did not die in a sterile hospital with trauma. I am a firm believer in do not resuscitate (DNR) for me. I do not need electric shocks to restart my heart or to be kept as a vegetable in a coma. I had a conversation today about grief and loss where the person said to me ‘I do not do body viewing anymore. I want to remember the person alive’. To each his own. My daughter had to manage the death. She had to cover Sega’s body and package him.

We are still to do our own ritual as we have to find a way to bury him symbolically. We will. There is no rush. The only thing one can prepare for is death after birth. Everything in between is life and the only constant of life is change. Death, one can prepare for.

If you’re procrastinating about putting your affairs in order - DO NOT PROCRASTINATE! If you’re a parent it is the most loving thing you can do for your children. Give them a roadmap about what you want done. And please even if your baby is a day old in the womb - have a will. Ensure that as parents in the event you die together you have an appointed guardian.

There is no formula to death. During this two week period I have friends and family burying teenagers/young adults.

We say it is unnatural for parents to bury their children. That saying is untrue. How many parents suffer child loss in the womb or still birth. How many children die in infancy. It is not unnatural. We, as humans, forget the first rule of the animal kingdom - survival of the fittest. We like to think we’re not animals. We are! Do you know that sheep have a way of committing mass suicide? Even in the animal kingdom, things we’ve decided are unnatural exist.

Thus my conclusions on grieving are that one should plan for death systematically. Have a will. Ensure people know where your documents are. Have a file and ensure you have instructions for your digital footprint. What happens to your gmail/yahoo/hotmail when you are gone - google is very good at this. I had to talk my daughter through the documentation process for S?ga. She has his death certificate.

In my family people always laugh - I document everything. I am a keeper of records because at every stage of life one needs those records. Make certified/notarized copies of your birth certificate and national identity document. Ensure your bankers know who will have authority to inherit your savings. Ensure your children have copies of said documents. Ensure you leave clear instructions about your pension and other assets. Write down your wishes. Leave a will. That system will help those who have to do the administration of closing the chapter of your life.

Muni, Shae, Loki, Kitty and I are grieving S?ga. We will have to give away his bed when we are ready. We have to process his absence. Already his absence is a huge hole in our lives. His curly little wagging tail. His bark to alert one of a presence at the gate. Licking his legs as he grunted and sighed and snored. Go well S?ga. You are greatly loved and missed.

Take lots of pictures tomorrow is never promised!