Reflecting on Childhood Games

Craving for Death: An Imaginary Memoir?—?Part 3

Reflecting on childhood games can unveil aspects of your true self. Consider the group games you cherished, the role you assumed, and the emotions they stirred within you.

At first, I’m not sure how to say it or express it, but childhood is a state of consciousness and feelings entirely different from what we see in advertisements, drama series, hear in songs, or even imagine from the general sense.

Childhood carries a degree of selfishness and brutality, harsh and shocking to the extent that I am sure most who shared experiences with me in that stage have forgotten the most important and prominent things they went through and lived.

Killing innocent birds, hunting younger children and satisfying them with beatings, and other things that many children were keen to keep away from their parents.

And most of these brutal aspects were embodied in play, most notably in the most attractive game: soccer.

For me, soccer was a childhood passion in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. However, the ethical standards of many sports teams there clashed with my own. Out of respect for the societal norms I was raised in, I choose to keep the specifics private. Consequently, I found myself frequently sidelined from various leagues and tournaments, particularly those associated with middle and high school.

My brother used to call me “the old child” because I used to think about right and wrong more than necessary. I wasn’t open to any experience unless it aligned with my sense of what was right, and this behavior was considered mature.

In contrast, my older brother excelled at soccer, unlike me. His team boasted a flawless record of victories. His unwavering determination to win, even at the expense of his health, led to several foot injuries.

The love for soccer has remained a consistent thread throughout my life, transcending from childhood into adulthood.

In every field, including those rich in creativity and humanity like politics, cinema, drama, and journalism, there are practitioners whose values and actions do not align with mine.

For instance, when I first delved into political work, I grappled with understanding the ethical standards activists adhered to in their pursuits. However, as time passed and I navigated through various roles?—?establishing foreign affairs and translation departments in three journalistic institutions, founding a lifestyle section in an Arabic website linked with civil society, a journey spanning over seven years?—?I began to comprehend the intricacies of the game.

Becoming a successful journalist or writer requires initial opposition, a strong voice, and a commitment to your group’s consensus. This approach earns you the trust of influential figures in the political and social spheres, gradually building credibility among opponents and critics of the ruling system in your country.

Certain topics should be avoided, such as delving into the psychological and social dynamics of opposing groups, their strategies for success, and the sources of their funding, whether local, Arab, or Western. It’s important to be bold in your ideas and avoid advocating for moderate or pragmatic solutions.

Opposition entities in the Arab world are often susceptible to political manipulation, driven by a blind anger that allows their funders to exert pressure and advance specific agendas.

There is no authentic major opposition, born of this collective anger or collective dream. It is the same as childhood soccer, where if you want to play, you must resemble us and adopt the dirty tactics we adopt.

If there’s one thing I wish I had done differently in my early life, it’s that I wasn’t involved in video games. During my childhood, the PlayStation and family computer were emerging, followed by the personal computer.

I regret not mastering those games and considering them a waste of time, because games are wonderful in teaching the unconscious mind and training it to transform reality, challenges, and psychological complexes into symbols and stories you see in dreams or imagine in waking dreams.

Everything for great thinkers and spiritualists is likened to a game. David Graeber in his book related to work likened the work system to an unappetizing game due to the rules imposed by others for authentic goals that concern investors. And because employees choose a game or a job that they may not want and whose results, in terms of salary and social status, do not satisfy them, the work experience becomes ridiculous and futile.

In 2014, I chose to prioritize play over seriousness. My first decision was to leave a profitable job for a simpler one, with a modest salary and status, to have more time for leisure throughout my day.

But it took me more than five years to be able to live as a player, after the great discovery of the absurdity of life.

It was during the spread of the coronavirus, and it had been six years since my first encounter with the red Indian in an LSD hallucination. It had been a few months since I saw Isis godess and the Prophet Muhammad.

The truth is electrical pulses, a pure form of energy without thought, image, or feeling. I remember crying for a long time; I expected supernatural things, a world more beautiful and astonishing.

Strangely, when I returned from that experience, the colors seemed brighter, the music more enjoyable, and my enthusiasm for the experience of life became stronger and deeper.

Yes, life is aptly likened to play, requiring seriousness and skill in playing with your emotions, convincing them that it is a real and important experience to be enjoyed as a game.

Do you agree with me?