Rediscovering Pirate Kelly

Near the end of last year, I realized I had a problem.?

I resented play.

What a strange thing to learn about yourself.

Who resents play?

Why would you?

It’s f-u-n!

The intensity of work over the last few years, the anxiety that often took hold because of the unknowns at the beginning of our time immersed in all things COVID-19, fed and energized what was once a dormant seed of rigidity within my mind. A seed that germinated and sent out runners like an invasive weed in fresh soil.

The critic inside my head no longer spoke to me, her voice getting louder and louder as time went by. ‘Get more serious, Kelly! You’re a middle-aged woman with responsibilities. You don’t have time to write, to play, to be a goof’.

By de-valuing pursuits that had no ‘serious’ purpose, I cut myself off from fun, from exercise, and from letting off steam. My spirit quickly became impoverished. I lost touch with my desire to express myself through creative pursuits, and I was exhausted all the time.

At work I had difficulty focusing on tasks in front of me, and creative problem solving was a thing of the past. I felt weighed down and nearly crumbled inwards by trying to make myself smaller, so the weight I felt, the pressure, had less of me to act on.

I awoke from my trance one evening when I went to tuck my nine-year-old son into bed, and I noticed on his side table he had a picture of me on it.

It showed a beaming, sweaty-faced Kelly from many moons ago. It was taken at a library event where I dressed up as a character from a children’s book, and my role was that of a pirate.

My son noticed me looking at the picture and said, “I want to meet that lady within you again someday soon.” After I left his room, I cried. I wanted to meet that woman again too, but I wasn’t sure how to find her.

A few days later I woke up to a spinning room that left me feeling like there was a magnet on the left side of my face pulling me towards the ground. I had vertigo and over nearly a week, I could only find relief by sitting on my back steps clinging to one of the railings.

When the spinning stopped for good, I slept, and I mentally made a short list of what needed to be cultivated in my life again. It was the fun I wanted to have with my family, my friends, my work, and I vowed to prioritize THAT!

I also visited my doctor and found out that I had moderately high blood pressure, and I needed to prioritize exercise. I found a gym where women of a ‘certain age’ participate in group fitness classes where they focus on fun, acceptance and sweat. I laugh at every single class and it’s brilliant.

My overall lesson seems to be, as a woman who strives to be a good human being, who strives with her partner to create a loving life for our family, who strives to work with others to make changes that benefit our community, I forgot to nurture my creative spirit through play. I lost sight of how good it feels to let out Pirate Kelly.

So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m now off to book a date for my family to play laser tag on Father’s Day. I can hardly wait to laugh so hard that I cry.