Rediscovering My True North: Navigating Change, Working Motherhood, and The New Sandwich Generation

“What’s Your Truth?”

Many of us have a story (or plural), hidden behind the strong and smiling faces most of the world sees, because most often, we have no choice but to show up and remain strong to survive, and we’re often afraid to share our stories – afraid of judgment by our peers, colleagues or family, discrimination and biases, or making people uneasy because we shared our diverse perspectives and experiences which have shaped who each of us is.

As a woman in corporate America, at a time when there’s near-absolute uncertainty in our world, and where many organizations are struggling to solve the rapidly evolving needs of their workforces while attempting to develop diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) initiatives to attract and retain talent – I’m compelled to share my recent journey of unexpected brutal, yet transformative life experiences, backed with ideas and research, in hopes that you walk away informed, inspired, and motivated to enact change in your organizations and feel empowered to keep moving forward on your life’s path.

Setting The Stage | Before Our Family’s Crisis

Let’s rewind to January 2021 – a year into the pandemic – I, perhaps like many of you around the world, were hopeful that scientists were closer to discovering a Covid-19 vaccine, so we could find a way through to a post-pandemic society. At this point, everyone’s lives were touched in some way or another by the effects of Covid-19, whether directly or indirectly, personally or professionally. In many organizations, the Covid-19 effects were rumbling in many ways, both visible and invisible, from companies having to weigh the economic impact on their businesses and the bottom line to the heavy weight of increasing workloads coupled with the expanding pressure and anxieties of managing the complexities of Covid-19 in all of our homes and personal lives.

In my career at that time, I was fortunate to have recently accepted a role in our organization which by all accounts of vision, mission, and potential lives that could be positively impacted – felt like the ultimate dream opportunity to be challenged - to learn, lead, partner, and make an impact on the world. It checked the significant majority of ‘boxes’ in my mind – including the opportunity to leave a legacy and directly influence and impact future generations (one of my core values). (Queue Commercial - If this were Netflix’s new “Ad-Based Format”, this is exactly where they’d put it.)

Overcoming Infertility & The Fear of Death

No organization or person was unscathed by the wake Covid-19 was laying in its burgeoning path. We, like many, had turnover, increasing workloads, and the need to quickly adjust responsibilities due to team changes. I took on additional work, as many of my peers did too, and we all aimed to check in with each other to stay aligned on shifting priorities, maintain alignment, and focus on execution.

Meanwhile, behind the scenes, two major life transitions were happening, that many of you, too, will uniquely experience in your lifetime -- We were pregnant AND coming to quick grips with the needs of our aging parents. For those of you who have tried to start a family, and failed (for us it was more than half a decade), then you know how joyful, yet scary it is to learn you’re officially (& gratefully) pregnant. Also, like many of you, both my husband and I have aging parents. Some life stages stealthily sneak up on you, and being a millennial joining “The Sandwich Generation” was one of them, as my father is in the mid-late stages of a life-limiting, often terminal illness, and we recently lost my husband’s father to a different terminal illness that took our families by surprise.

Now back at work, with fewer people, increased workload, tight timelines, and huge moments to plan for – even while setting priorities, seeking clarity to realign expectations given team changes, and trying to maintain healthy work/life boundaries in the pandemic - I became overwhelmed. In hindsight, I should’ve recognized the signs and spoken up earlier to my management team – as, by that time, I couldn’t sleep due to racing thoughts around work. I wasn’t myself. I kept letting my work/life boundaries slip, letting work bleed more and more into home life – and struggled not wanting people to think that boundaries somehow meant that I wasn’t committed to my work. I was overly committed – I had made work too much of my overall identity – I felt that if I failed or tapped out, I would let so many people down, including myself, my family, and peers. I had reached a breaking point.

Life can throw us into storms to test our faith, teach us through experiences, and help us come out stronger than we ever thought possible. Sometimes, it can appear a storm’s timing is horrible and abrupt– but in retrospect, it can be right on time.

The Wake-Up Call | A Harrowing Start

On July 1st, 2021, on what was supposed to be our standard routine 6-month (24 wk) ultrasound. Our lives instantly changed. Our sonographer’s face went from perplexed to one of ‘masked worry’, as she told us she would need to consult with our OBGYN. They quickly moved us to a separate room where our OBGYN calmly told us that I’d need to be immediately emergency admitted to the hospital as I was in the early stages of labor and dilated – at only 24 weeks. As you can imagine when hearing such news, my mind went into a suspended processing state, trying to quickly determine the next steps, actions, and what it all meant. On the way over to the hospital, my brain still reeling from everything happening so fast, I sent a text to my manager to explain the situation. After six days of doctors doing everything to slow down our son’s birth and prepare for potential outcomes – He arrived by emergency c-section at a mere 1 pound 11 ounces. His first diaper was only 1/3 the size of your palm.

This was followed by a very long and harrowing journey in our local Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, filled with many difficult choices, where life truly hung in the balance for our son – and countless other families who discover this side of birthing experience no one ever tells you about. The feeling after having your body cut apart and laying in a postpartum room with no baby and hearing the sounds of families enjoying their new bundles of joy through the walls – and then the agony of leaving the hospital without a baby (after 6 years of trying) – is a feeling I wish no one has to experience in their lives. Yet, our faith helped us persevere – along with a newfound community of families, organizations, doctors, nurses, and some colleagues.

According to the March of Dimes, in the U.S. alone, about 380,000 babies (1 in 10) are born premature[1], the U.S. gets a C- in maternal and infant health[2], ?and this disproportionately affects diverse populations -- with Black women in the U.S. being 50% more likely to have a premature birth than White women[3]– and there’s additional research into how the stress of racism and health and economic factors may contribute to this.

This is our opportunity to impact change at scale, individually – and through the places we work.

Corporate recommendations for all to consider:

• Organizational health benefits should not be a one-size-fits-all | If you’re aiming to build more diverse and inclusive workplaces – Health benefits should be considerate of your full population – especially noting that motherhood often forces women out of the workforce and this has been exacerbated by the childcare crisis the pandemic has wrought on the world.[4]
• Consider Post-Pregnancy Family Benefits | Women are waiting longer to have children for many factors – Often progressing to higher ranks in the workplace before pregnancy. While fertility benefits are great steps to starting a family – Work should be done to help women return to work through additional family benefits within your local and national regions.
• Prepare Teams, Management, & HR with Emergency Health Crisis Plans | Emergencies happen and they can unexpectedly impact teams and your workforce instantly. By preparing teams, management, and HR on how to handle emergency health crises, you’ll not only help reduce the immediate impact on teams but also help your employees return to work.

Finding My Way Back – Navigating Preemie Motherhood & A Corporate Career

After nearly 5 months in intensive care, we were filled with so many emotions when we were blessed to be able to walk through those NICU doors and take our son home for the first time since birth – We had bonded with our nurses and doctors who helped save our son’s life –and we felt so much love from family, friends, and colleagues who all kept up with our son’s journey via our private weekly CaringBridge blog.

The upward climb to finding a way back to work was intense – The pandemic put an increased demand everywhere for caregivers and reliable daycares. As we know, low supply and high demand often draws increasing prices. This was on top of the worry about the pandemic’s effects on health in group settings. At the same time, we scoured the internet and social media groups searching for people selling specialty formula due to the formula shortage. As the mom of a preemie, I also had multiple follow-up doctor’s appointments outside of your standard series of vaccinations and well-checks. Upon return, I was initially apprehensive thinking about the hidden work-world mom challenges – from the Mom Tax, Ageism, and dealing with preconceived notions and biases about working mothers. Challenge after challenge, hurdle after hurdle, we figured out a way. From realigning to one’s core values, setting better boundaries, and creating an identity beyond one’s work identity, to asking for clarity and flexibility, I found a way towards finding an internal balance and peace in my return to work –

Yet, there are a few things organizations should consider to help families who are determining if and how they can return to work – and as individuals, we can ask for:

• Keep Remote Work & Allow Flex Time | If remote work is an option in your organization, consider keeping it, even if it’s a few days a week – Trust your workforce is working. Reduced days in the office lowers traffic and not only saves your team members’ time and money, but it’s also good for helping reduce CO2 emissions. Families often require flexible schedules, especially during the volatile nature of the pandemic on childcare and evolving school schedules, remote work allows for digital access and execution. Also – as your workforce progresses – they, too, may find themselves NEW in the ‘sandwich generation’ and flexibility and ability to work from anywhere can allow them to handle these challenges.
• HR & Mgmt - Plan for Parents Return To Work | Connect a couple of times before the official return date to update your team members on any changes in the office and to keep them informed on roles, responsibilities, and organizational changes to ensure they have a smooth transition upon return. Ensure management is aware of the significance and common anxieties around “return to work” – and aim to recognize and address any preconceived notions or biases around parenthood, gender, and race that may be unintentionally impacting decision-making among leadership ranks.
• Consider Why Women Leave Jobs or Never Return | In the latest Women in the Workplace 2022 ??study by McKinsey & Company conducted in partnership with LeanIn.org[5], the top 3 reasons women leaders consider other options are:

1) Opportunity to advance – Aspiring young women and women leaders want to be considered for promotion, but face more headwinds, such as belittling microaggressions that undermine authority & judgment.[6] Consider your organizational structures for promotion.

2) Women leaders are often overworked and underrecognized – In the study, in a comparison of men at the same level, women leaders do more to foster diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) initiatives and employee well-being which often improves retention and employee satisfaction, but isn’t formally recognized in companies.[7] As a new mom or parent, you may find yourself wanting to prove yourself even more upon return – but, remember your boundaries to help avoid burnout.

3) Better Work Culture – Women leaders (and I’d argue all parents in the workforce) want more flexibility and commitment to employee well-being and DEI initiatives.[8]

?The “New” Sandwich Generation and Rediscovering My Truth

How many of you are surprised when you go home to realize that time doesn’t stand still when you’re away? If you’re lucky enough to still be able to visit your parents or parental-like loved ones – you may have experienced this ‘surprise’ – and if either of your parents’ or loved ones’ health is ailing, you may have begun trying to figure out how to help them from near or afar and to plan for emergencies and family changes. In addition to the prior emergency birthing experience, both my husband and I watched as our parents fought life-limiting, often terminal illnesses – watching my husband’s family manage his father’s terminal illness before his passing, made me realize I have to think through our emergency scenarios and bring the family together to discuss options and determine an ‘immediate family plan’ for my parents.

As organizations consider retaining talent – consider those in your workforce who are new to and are a part of “The Sandwich Generation”, including the importance of work-from-home (remote work), flex-time and flex-locations, and providing resources and materials to those who are figuring this out.

Before my executive coaching with Stacey Luces – I worried about people “finding out” I’m a Mom, I worried that my abilities would be doubted and that my career would be impacted by those with preconceived notions of mothers in the workforce on top of the typical barriers that hold women back – not to forget the other hidden barriers for Black women. I was scared I’d be put into this category of ‘aged’ women. I was afraid that my recent emergency birthing experience or the fact that I’m figuring out how to navigate the ‘sandwich generation’ would make me appear to be a risk – but what Stacey helped me realize, was that all of these things are part of MY STRENGTHS. They add to my perspective and experience and they can allow me to help others and potentially organizations. Stacey helped me to identify my core values (she dug into me hard!) and helped me to define my path forward for which I’m so grateful!

Whether you believe in God or a higher power or just coincidence – I am so thankful for this difficult life journey, because I am so much stronger because of it – and found a new perspective on work, love, and family. I am aligned with my core values of LOVE, GRACE, COURAGE, FREEDOM, & LEGACY. ?

I’m hoping that through sharing my story, you’re informed, inspired, and empowered to enact change in your organizations - To ask the tough questions, offer ideas, push for more, and to survive and thrive.

I AM – A woman, wife, mother, daughter, and survivor.

I have rediscovered my true north.

Going through a personal transformation? Need to bounce an idea for a DEI initiative? Let’s connect and help each other through this thing called life (and work) – together.

PS – For those wondering about our son, he’s now a happy, healthy, and active 15-month-old toddler at 24 pounds. Miracles do happen.

**This is not a paid endorsement. I am not paid for any of the references within my work. Thank you for taking the time to read. This is meant to help us all inform and create workplaces we can thrive within.

?Sources:

[1] Fighting Premature Birth: The Prematurity Campaign | https://www.marchofdimes.org/mission/prematurity-campaign.aspx#

[2] 2021 March of Dimes Report Card | https://www.marchofdimes.org/mission/reportcard.aspx

[3] High Premature Birth Rates Among U.S. Black Women May Reflect the Stress of Racism and Health and Economic Factors | https://www.prb.org/resources/high-premature-birth-rates-among-u-s-black-women-may-reflect-the-stress-of-racism-and-health-and-economic-factors/

[4] United States Census Bureau | Moms, Work and The Pandemic: Tracking Job Losses for Mothers of School-Age Children during a Health Crisis

?[5-8] Women in the Workplace 2022 Study | McKinsey & Company conducted in partnership with LeanIn.org. https://www.mckinsey.com/featured-insights/diversity-and-inclusion/women-in-the-workplace