Rediscovering Anger with the Doughnut Holes- Part 1

Let's talk about doughnuts first, as the rest of the paragraphs are all about anger. This ring shaped fried sweet did not have a hole in the center when it started its journey. Somewhere between the Greek, Romans, Dutch and the Americans the doughnut, which was just a fried ball of dough till then, lost its center. This new disc shape ensured even cooking all across, gave it that distinct shape and the rest is history. We can say that by removing a small piece of dough, the doughnut became tastier and more famous.

Anger on the other hand became more infamous because something was removed from it. We don't know how anger started its journey in history, but from an infant, who might be expressing it by throwing tantrums, to an octogenarian, who might be pissing in his/her bed, everyone of us is capable of displaying it. So much so that it has now cemented its place as one of the five basic human emotions. Anger can be defined as a 'reaction' to something which is not 'as per our liking'. The 'reaction' can be expressed as - bursting at our seams, screaming at the highest decibel, throwing or breaking things and or letting loose a few punches. 'Not as per our liking' is any kind of breach or violation of the sweet little world we have conceived for ourselves.?

There are five basic kinds of anger, explained below in increasing order of aggression or volatility and also how an individual thinks/ behaves in such cases and the impact on the counterparty:

1. Silent Anger - This form of anger manifests in inconspicuous ways, including employing passive-aggressive behavior or emotionally distancing oneself from others. Individuals may opt for avoidance tactics, avoid communication or participation as a means to convey their anger. More often they employ the silent treatment but sometimes resort to sarcasm and veiled remarks as indirect expressions of their dissatisfaction. The unresponsive behaviour leads to confusion on the other side as they try to decode what they have done wrong. Due to non-participatory behaviour, partners tend to lose the day to day support that they received from the individual and therefore the burden of responsibility increases.?

2. Explaining Anger -?Here the person tries to shares?his/her feelings with others and breaks it down on the basis of the trigger that has caused it - words or actions, how these have led to changes in his/her emotional state or even physiological, how can others help him/her overcome this change and how can this be prevented in future. All this is messaged in a non-aggressive but assertive way to a person or group causing the anger. The participatory nature of this resolution oriented behaviour leads to better understanding among individuals and helps in setting healthy boundaries. By providing feedback respectfully, counterparties become open to course correction as well.??

3. Expressing Anger - The quintessential poster boy of anger that we all know. Compared to the 'explaining' form of anger above, here the person outrightly blames the other person for wrongdoing, with a raised voice, gesturing animatedly to emphasize his/her points with a confrontational body language. The motive here is not just to convey the message but to make the other party accept that he/she has been wronged. The owner of the anger here does not want to just get rid of or diffuse his/her emotion of hurt but rather wants the same to be transferred to the person causing it. The aggression leads to counterparties becoming defensive and they push back with anger in return.?

4. Weaponizing Anger - This nasty cousin of the previous anger type, encompases everything above but also adds an element of physical or bodily harm to the other person. The idea being that mere words or shouting does not send the right message but the bodily connection developed through a fist or kick transfer ones hurt in a more meaningful way, however benign the original trigger of this anger might be. More than setting right the feeling of hurt, this form of anger is used to subjugate and show people their rightful place. The underlying objective to cause pain often leads to a similar reaction from the opposite side and when that's not possible sows the seeds of revenge.?

5. Self Destructive Anger - When a person decides that all the other forms of anger are not going to get the feeling of hurt or insult out of his/her system or has already tried out some or all of the others, then he/she tries to destroy the system itself. This happens because the person assigns a higher value to the hurt/insult as compared to his/her own self. It might not be that this destruction of self is only inward looking, rather through this form of anger the person transfers pain to others who are associated with him, or if there is collateral damage through this act, then pain gets transferred to the people at large or the society. Near and dear ones are often left confused trying to connect the dots and feel helpless that they could not react in time to avoid the catastrophe.

A person is not required to try out all forms of anger before selecting the one that matches to his/her liking. The way in which a person expresses his/her anger depends mainly upon his upbringing, the social milieu and his/her own emotional maturity. There is no point in guessing which of the above is the best form of anger, if the core idea is to tell others about how you felt about something and you want to also get rid of the feelings too. At the same time people who are at the receiving end of anger should also be cognizant of the fact that a person can try to 'explain' their anger and they should give ear to the same. Sometimes not receiving the right kind of response from the counterparty escalates the form of anger.

Out of the five basic emotions, anger is the most detested and negatively etched one in our consciousness. Anger as an emotion is not bad as it helps us to discover a threat in our social or physical environment and this perception can trigger reactions which can save us from dangers. But the bad name it gets is primarily due to the forms we take to express ourselves rather than the emotion itself. And so far we have used all the other forms of anger, other than the 'explaining' one, and because all other forms of anger cause hurt or pain to others, thus the bad name. What comes to your mind when you hear the word - Fire. For me fire is neutral, if there is no context provided. If it's used for arson it's destruction and in a bonfire it's about warmth and joy. Anger is just like fire, and the way we use it determines the impact it creates. Here 'explaining' anger is that soothing fire in a harsh winter of issues around us. Explaining is nothing but communicating, whether it's an idea, a situation or an emotion. Till the time comes when we start reading minds, we will need to communicate. And when we are at it, let's explain more when we are angry and not less, so much so that we create that utopian world where anger is just an emotion, just like joy or fear, where it's standalone and not defiled by the forms we chose to express it.

The missing center piece in the doughnut of anger is this 'explaining' piece. And in removing it, through design or by habit, we have made anger into the highly detested emotion that it is today. But we have come a long way from the colosseums to the conference rooms and no points for guessing which was the best form of anger then and which will give us desired results today. Similar to how the centerpiece of a doughnut has made a comeback as a bite-sized treat in pastry shops around the world, can we make 'explaining' anger also cute and sought after, by using it more ourselves and also demanding it from others. For it's not only the anger we need but also the one we deserve.????

Now for those who still like the doughnut in the traditional way but would like to know how to best get a handle on it, wait for the next part of this series.

Counselling Pro-Tip : When emotions intensify, ask client to visualize a doughnut. Did they miss the doughnut hole in this image? Most of us do as we have forgotten it is a part of a doughnut. Are we missing out the complete picture when angry?