Redefining Retirement: Navigating the Relationship Dynamics of a New Chapter

This time I want to write about the differences between men and women as they consider retirement.

Do bear in mind that individual experiences can vary widely, what I write may not be typical for you.

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There are major adjustments with retirement, not just the change with work but also in the relationship.?There are always people who don’t see themselves in a description but often one half of a couple, usually the man, has been focused on work with few outside interests, so when they retire, they can expect all their social needs to be met from their partner.

But this is not always wanted. Their partner probably has their own social life and doesn’t want to now have them tagging along. It can change the friendship dynamic and also means the couple of little time apart from each other.

In my book (Rethinking Retirement due out on 8 November) I write about running pre-retirement seminars back in the 1980s, many of the wives would say things like: ‘I married him for better or worse but not for lunch’.

When working with clients around retirement planning, I discuss how it is helpful to build up a social network before retirement, as otherwise the partner (usually the woman) can find herself having to plan activities for their partner too, which can lead to difficulties in their relationship and experiencing frustration, annoyance etc.

I read widely for my doctorate including this article on how people describe life after career. Their analysis included perceptual mapping to analyse the descriptive words used.

One of the findings was that men and women used different words. For men retirement was more about freedom of responsibility and a time to relax. For women it was to focus on achievement using words such as accomplished, fulfilled, success and complete.?

The article was written for financial planners and suggests that when talking with their clients it is a good idea to focus on the implications of physical health when talking with men, and for older women to see retirement as a personal new start after a lifetime of giving to others.

After a full-on career lasting maybe 40 years, men often want a change of pace. So do women, but they are moving in the other direction. With possible career breaks and where the main focus was on the family they are now moving into focusing on what they want. ?

Men generally have better pensions and more money saved, as they have an unbroken career record, so financially they are prepared.

Women may have less investments but they have more social capital, with a network of friends and activities with others so they are better prepared for the social changes that come with retirement.

I’ve read recently that the changes in hormones mean men can become less ambitious and women can have more drive, but just can’t find the reference as I write this.

If men lose some of their ambition and competitiveness as they get older, they can also work smarter calling on their experience, wisdom and emotional maturity.

Women have a drop in oestrogen following the menopause which could mean that testosterone in women has more of an affect leading to increased assertiveness in some women. This can give women the drive to set up a business, get a job or a side hustle to bring in additional income.

If you are part of a couple, it is vital to have a conversation, in advance of retirement on how you both see the future. Typically, one (usually the man) will see this as a time to take things easy, to spend more time relaxing, maybe moving to the country or spending more time at a holiday home.?But is this what the other person wants? Many women have a good life where they currently live with a good social life. Why would they want to move away?

Whilst retirement can be a time to spend together, on a new activity, or travel, it is important to have separate interests to keep the relationship alive. If you are someone without any out of work interests, it is in the lead up to leaving work that you should begin to cultivate other relationships and interests.

If you haven’t done so already now is a good time to talk about your vision for retirement and to see how things match up. If one person wants to sell up and move to somewhere warm or to the country and the other person doesn’t agree how will this be managed?

It shouldn’t be down to the woman to organise their partners social life (and lunch!) and a focus on these tasks can lead to a decline in the relationship, leading to an increase in divorce in the over 60s as people realise they have different needs and futures.

How can you, if you are in a couple, create a future that suits you both?

And if you realise you have few (maybe even no) friends, now is a time to focus on this. I’m working on a campaign with Oddfellows to promote the idea of a friendship MOT. This will be out in September, and I’ll provide links then. Joining a group, volunteering or a shared interest are all good ways to get to know other people.

Dr Denise Taylor is a Chartered Psychologist and Vision Quest Guide, specialising in retirement transitions and elderhood. Regularly featured in the media, she is the author of 8 books including Find Work at 50+ and Now You've Been Shortlisted.

My next book – Rethinking Retirement will be published by Routledge in November 2023

• Award winning coach with Amazing People
• Working with people at 50+ - The 50 Plus Coach
• Finding meaning, nature-based retreats and retirement– see Denise Taylor website

Reference

Lee, Chaiwoo, and Joseph Coughlin. 2018. “Describing Life After Career: Demographic Differences in the Language and Imagery of Retirement.”?Journal of Financial Planning?31 (8): 36–47.