Redefining Fatherhood: Learning from the Past, Shaping the Future
Q: I had always resented my Dad for my bad childhood & for the many ways he let me down as a father. From the way he disciplined us, to how he was never there for us when we were kids, I swore that if I’d have children of my own I’d be his exact opposite. Now that I’m a Dad, too, I find myself being too tied up with work & letting my work stress out on my kids sometimes when I get home. I’d hate to admit it but … am I becoming my own father?
Don’t-wanna-be-like-Dad
Hi Dwbl-Dad,
The first step to any form of solution begins with self-awareness. As a matter of fact, you have taken it one step further by writing to us. I congratulate you on your initiative. There are 3 issues in your letter and I will address them accordingly as follows:
Bad Childhood
Hurting people hurt others. When we are hurt, we hurt others. Before we can become good examples to others, we must lead by example. Self management is therefore the first thing to focus on. We cannot choose our parents and our past, but we can choose how we respond to those experiences and we can choose our future. Granted, your father may have hurt and disappointed you but whatever he did, he did it once and it was many years ago. If you are still hurt, guess who is hurting you? Release pain by letting go of the past rather than rehearsing and re-living it.
Another thing you can do is to work on your mindset and what you chose to focus on. If you are looking for dirt, you will find it even if you are in the cleanest room in the world. When you ?mentioned that you want to be the exact opposite of your father, you are unconsciously thinking about him. Since the unconscious mind is the mind that governs all your behavior, habits and actions, you end up doing things you detest rather than what you should really be doing. Instead, think in positive terms, think what you want to be, how you are going to be, what you are going to do to be. Focus on the positive.
Time Management
I appreciate that in the challenging times we are living now, work is becoming more and more demanding. As such, many opt for quality time rather than quantity with their loved ones. Besides spending quality time, do spend time daily with the children even if it may be short. Get rid of all distractions when you set aside the time for them. Also, note that the time you wish to spend with them must also be time they wish to be with you.
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Quality time does not have to be a weekend getaway or an outing. Sometimes you and your loved ones will find the simplest pleasures of companionship in day to day activities like having an ice-cream together after dinner with no distractions, doing house work or washing the car together. Take your son out to enjoy a soccer match, visit the SPCA to see and pat the discarded animals, learn about the video or computer games your children are playing and play with them. No matter how old we are, there is a child in everyone of us. An added benefit is playing with your children and being child-like can help you to de-stress too. Most importantly, really be there when it is time for quality time.
Work Demands
All corporate professionals multi-task and perform a variety of demanding tasks daily. Therefore, it is important that your work skills are up to the mark. Take a skills inventory and determine what skills area you need improvement in. Take a training program, read a book or learn from someone to up your skills so you manage the work more efficiently and more effectively. Remember to learn soft skills too.
Do you spend 80% of your work time doing things that are of 80% significance or do you waste 80% of your time doing things that are of 20% significance? Prioritize your work and tasks and classify them into categories so you deal with the priority accordingly. Which of the tasks at hand are urgent and important, which are urgent but not important, which are important but not urgent and which are not urgent and not important?
Add creativity to the work that you do, seek out new ways, new skills to do it better and faster. If you do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten. Being busy is one thing, being busy doing the right things right is another. Remember, activity does not equate to accomplishment.
Dr. Billy Kueek
About this Article
This is one of the compilation of the articles that were previously published in kidz magazine where Dr. Billy Kueek answered questions that were sent in by readers. The questions tackled issues from children, teenagers, parents and spouses. While we acknowledge that there is no one way to address problems, we hope that the publishing of these articles on LinkedIn will give you some insights on some of the options that may be available to you.
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