Redefining Civility in 3 Practical Steps ... Forced Politeness to Meaningful Engagement!

Hi everyone and welcome!

Today’s edition of Respectful Workplace Insights focuses on redefining civility by shifting from forced politeness to meaningful engagement in three practical steps!

Here's the thing…

Civility is often referred to as the foundation of respectful interactions … simply being polite and having good manners.

Traditional approaches to civility have focused on individuals behaving in a courteous manner, rather than addressing the collective … the interpersonal dynamics between people and their communities.

What has transpired …

Civility as we’ve known it, has become a tool for suppressing dissent, maintaining existing power structures, and fostering superficial harmony; rather than generating understanding and authentic connection between people.

It's time to move beyond this outdated model of civility and create a foundation for lasting change.

So the question is ... how can we create a more inclusive and transformative understanding of civility?

It requires a shift from forced politeness to meaningful engagement, rooted in sharing knowledge and insights from our collective lived experience.

Let me explain…

Why Traditional Civility Falls Short

When I delivered Telephone Courtesy and Etiquette training, firstly employed by Telstra many years ago and subsequently delivering Telstra’s nationally standard programs in my own consultancy, it focused on individual behaviours ... how to be polite, avoid conflict, and adhere to social norms.

While these guidelines can prevent overt hostility, they often fail to address the underlying causes of tension and division.

3 Reasons Why this Approach to Civility has Persisted

Reason Number 1: Preserving Existing Social Power Structures

With an emphasis on being polite and having a respectful attitude towards someone because they have an important position, these frameworks implicitly favour those who hold social power. ?

It discourages dissent and reinforces the status quo.

Examples:

• Hierarchical Indifference - I recently asked a public question at our local council meeting about how the councillors’ code of conduct is being measured. The mayor avoided the question by politely suggesting in a patronising manner that I read the local government reforms.

My question remained unanswered and there was no right of reply.

• ‘Power-Over-Others’ Management - In a team meeting, a junior team member raises concerns about a new policy that disproportionately affects entry-level employees. Rather than addressing the concern, the manager dismisses the comment with a polite but curt response.

It signals that questioning the decision is unwelcome. This behaviour reinforces the manager's authority and stifles meaningful engagement.

• Avoiding Feedback - During an organisation’s town hall, team members are encouraged to submit feedback anonymously. When tough questions are raised about leadership’s decision-making, these are either ignored or met with vague, polite answers.

This reinforces a culture where team members feel their concerns aren’t truly valued.

Traditional notions of civility often reinforce existing hierarchies.

Reason Number Two: Avoidance of Discomfort

Forced politeness prioritises comfort … particularly the comfort of those in dominant positions.

Difficult conversations about inequality, systemic bias, and lived experience are often sidestepped in favour of maintaining surface-level harmony.

This avoidance of facing uncomfortable feelings, creates resentment and drives critical discussions underground.

Examples:

• Toxic Dynamics - A team member witnesses microaggressions in the workplace but doesn’t address them because the team culture emphasises “keeping things pleasant.”

The behaviour goes unchallenged, fostering resentment among those affected and keeps a toxic dynamic in existence.

• Systemic Ignorance - During a workshop on inclusion and belonging, team members are encouraged to "focus on the positives."

As a result, difficult discussions about systemic inequities within the organisation are avoided, leaving team members feeling that their real concerns are being glossed over.

Forced politeness prioritises comfort.

Maintaining comfort through surface-level harmony masks incivility!

Reason Number Three: Misalignment Between Actions and Intention

Civility, as traditionally taught, often separates behaviour from intent.

Polite actions can mask underlying biases or frustrations, creating a disconnect that undermines trust.

When people are encouraged to "be nice" rather than confront their authentic feelings, or work toward mutual understanding, the result is often a lack of authentic connection, and unresolved conflicts.

Examples

• Insincere Praise - A manager gives polite but insincere praise to an underperforming team member during a performance review.

They avoid direct feedback to “maintain harmony.”

The team member leaves the meeting unclear about expectations, while the manager’s frustrations remain unresolved.

• Cross-Functional Disconnection - During a cross-functional collaboration, one team dominates the discussion with their ideas.

Team members from another business unit politely agree to avoid conflict, even though they have serious concerns about feasibility.

This lack of authentic dialogue leads to project delays and strained relationships down the track.

Being "nice" results in a lack of authentic connection, and leads to unresolved conflicts.

Toward a More Inclusive Understanding of Civility

So how do we move beyond this outdated model of civility?

The answer lies in redefining civility to prioritise shared experiences, meaningful engagement, and authentic dialogue.

3 Ways we Can Shift the Narrative:

1. Embrace Authenticity Over Politeness

Forced politeness can feel like a performance.

It conceals our true emotions and fosters resentment.

Instead, it’s about encouraging spaces where individuals feel psychologically safe to speak up … expressing their thoughts and feelings openly.

Authenticity builds trust and lays the groundwork for real connection and understanding.

This doesn’t mean abandoning respect.

Respect is the willingness to engage with others’ perspectives, even when they challenge our own!

2. Create Spaces for Constructive Disagreement

Civility doesn’t mean the absence of conflict; it means navigating conflict productively.

To achieve this, organisations and communities need to create environments where dissent is not only tolerated but welcomed.

Constructive disagreement helps uncover hidden assumptions, surface diverse perspectives, and drive innovation.

By reframing conflict as an opportunity for growth, we can foster a culture that values shared understanding over uniformity.

3. Focus on Shared Lived Experiences

True civility arises from recognising and valuing our shared humanity.

It requires a shift from individual-centric training to collective learning experiences that emphasise empathy, connection and common ground.

When we acknowledge the complexity of each person’s lived experience, we can approach conversations with humility and a genuine desire to learn.

Shared understanding becomes the foundation for meaningful engagement and sustainable change!

3 Practical Steps for Transforming Civility

1.?Redesign Training Programs

Include tools for deep listening, emotional intelligence, empathy and conflict resolution.

Equip team members with neuroscience-based skills to navigate diverse perspectives, challenging conversations and build authentic connections grounded in respect.

2.?Share Perspectives

Create opportunities for team members to share their experiences which allows others to gain insight into different perspectives.

It bridges divides and fosters empathy.

3.?Cultivate Psychological Safety

Establish social norms and standards that promote open dialogue and build mutual respect.

Psychological safety enables individuals to speak their minds without fear of retribution.

It paves the way for honest and transformative conversations.

The Path Forward

Redefining civility is not about abandoning politeness or manners.

It’s about reimagining them in a way that fosters inclusion, authenticity, and shared understanding.

Embracing meaningful engagement over superficial harmony means developing connection in a way that transcends our differences and creates a foundation for lasting change.

The bottom line is …

It requires courage, commitment and compassion.

It requires cultivating a culture of civility that embraces our shared humanity.

Together, we can transform how we connect, collaborate, and create a more inclusive world at work and beyond!

Thanks for reading this edition of Respectful Workplace Insights.

See you next week!

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Respectful Workplace Insights is a weekly newsletter I am publishing on LinkedIn to highlight?some of the things that get in the way of creating a respectful workplace culture. Eliminating disrespectful, unproductive and depleting conversations and behaviours that are getting in the way of building respectful relationships, alignment and performance is where we start.

Each week I'll offer insights on how to do that so you can create a respectful culture where everyone feels safe and included.