Red Flags: How to Recognize the Warning Signs Before It’s Too Late

Unveiling the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

In the complex dynamic of relationships, it’s crucial to pay attention to your intuitive feelings and emotions and be aware of potential red flags that indicate toxicity or even abuse. One particularly destructive pattern is the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse, characterized by Love Bombing, Devaluation, Discard, and Hoovering. Understanding these stages can empower individuals to identify and escape abusive, toxic relationships before irreparable damage occurs. I wish I had known these things before I became involved with the kind, caring, generous businessman I attracted into my life in 2009.

Love Bombing: Strong Bonds Are Formed.

Love bombing is the first stage of an abusive relationship, where the abuser overwhelms their target with excessive affection, attention, and grand gestures. It feels like a whirlwind romance — intense, passionate, and too good to be true. You might feel like you have met your Mr Perfect. The abuser showers their partner with compliments, gifts, and promises of a perfect future, creating an emotional high that fosters deep attachment. You may form a deep trust in this person, as they appear to be everything you ever wanted in a relationship. The relationship often moves very quickly, and there are holidays and grand gestures of gifts or even proposals of marriage. However, this intense affection is not genuine; it’s a manipulation tactic designed to gain control. Once the victim is emotionally invested, the abuser begins to withdraw their affection, leading to confusion, self-doubt, and a cycle of emotional dependency.

Kind, Caring, and Generous.

Love Bombing feels like you have met a friend, a lover and a soul mate. This intense manipulation can be intoxicating, making it difficult for the individual to see through the fa?ade..

Rapid Escalation of Intimacy.

Narcissistic personalities often accelerate the relationship at an unnatural pace, pushing for commitment, cohabitation, or even marriage in a short span. This rapid progression can be a tactic to bind the victim emotionally before the toxicity becomes apparent. Declaring their vulnerability might be another tactic because they have a history of failed relationships. They need to know how much you love them because they do not want to be hurt again.

Communication.

Love Bombing involves constant communication through texts, calls, or social media. The narcissistic partner often creates a dependency, making it challenging for the victim to imagine life without this seemingly perfect partner or spouse.

Devaluation: Slow Erosion of Self-Worth.

Once the narcissistic partner has successfully trapped their target, the “Love Bombing” stage gives way to “Devaluation”. In this phase, the partner’s true colours emerge as they systematically break down the victim’s self-esteem and confidence. This stage has been likened to death by one thousand paper cuts. The victim may not even understand what is happening. During this stage, a toxic partner can move back to a love bomb as they drop the breadcrumbs of the person you saw from the start. I call this stage “He loves me. He loves me not.” You never know what you will get from one day to the next. Will he be “the man” or “the monster.”

Criticism: Undermining and Sabotage.

The narcissist begins to devalue their partner through constant nitpicking, backhanded compliments, and outright insults. What was once “adorable” is now “annoying” or “embarrassing,” leaving the victim questioning their worth. They criticize and undermine the victim’s thoughts, opinions, and achievements. This can be subtle, such as dismissive comments or humiliation in front of family and friends, gradually chipping away at the individual’s self-worth. It is important to understand the behaviours that indicate coercive control. Intimidation, emotional, physical and mental abuse, isolation, financial abuse, sexual abuse/coercion and threats of abuse if you do not do what the narcissist wants.

Emotional Manipulation: Gaslighting.

They manipulate the victim into doubting their memory, perception, or sanity. Phrases like?“You’re too sensitive,”?or?“That never happened, you’re imagining things”?create self-doubt and emotional confusion.

Emotional manipulation becomes a key tool in the narcissist’s arsenal during the Devaluation stage. Gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and playing mind games are common tactics used to control and confuse the victim. Professor Sam Vaknin, the Author of Malignant Self Love, discusses the three S’s of narcissism. The narcissist’s goals are selfish. What they require in the relationship is sex, supply, and services. This often leads a narcissist to have more than one supply, invariably cheating on their intimate partners or primary source of supply. They may even have a double life that you know nothing about.

Isolation:?Emotional Withholding and Silent Treatment

In order to maintain control, a narcissistic partner may isolate their victims from friends and family, they do this by creating a false sense of security or “future faking.” You, as the victim, will not realise that they have trapped you and made you dependent upon them. This isolation makes it easier for the narcissist to exert dominance and diminish the victim’s self-esteem. Often, a victim is drawn into a shared fantasy. The shared fantasy in narcissism is a term used to describe the dynamic that develops between a narcissistic individual and their partner. It is a complex and often insidious cycle of behaviour that can leave the non-narcissistic partner feeling trapped and powerless. Sometimes, it results in the narcissist moving their victim to another Town or even another Country. This was my downfall, the Spanish retirement dream.

Narcissistic Abuse Cycle And Domestic Abuse.

The most extreme forms of this abuse are criminal offences in some countries. Domestic abuse isn’t always physical. Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation, intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim. My first book touches on this from my experience in post-separation. I had no idea during the relationship that I had experienced this form of abuse. My?self-published book?raises awareness of the hidden forms of abuse.

Discard: Betrayal and Abandonment.

After the prolonged period of “Devaluation”, narcissistic partners may abruptly transition to the “Discard” phase. In this heart-wrenching stage, victims find themselves abandoned and discarded, often without any explanation or closure. A narcissist can move on to another relationship “supply” very quickly and it is likely that the new supply has already been involved with the narcissist as a person they were cheating with during a marriage or cohabiting relationship. The new supply might even be an ex-girlfriend from the past.

Withdrawal: Narcissistic discard stage.

The narcissist, having achieved their goal of emotional dominance, suddenly withdraws from the relationship. This abandonment can be devastating for the victim, who may be left grappling with confusion and emotional turmoil. If the narcissist has ensnared their victim by creating financial dependency or leaving their ex-partner economically insecure, the victim will experience further trauma from the discard. The survivors of narcissistic abusive relationships are usually in a state of deep grief, trauma, and anxiety. It can take months, if not years, to recover their emotional well-being.

New Supply: Replacement and Triangulation.

During the Discard phase, the narcissist swiftly replaces the discarded individual with a new source of admiration and supply. They may flaunt this new relationship to provoke jealousy, further destabilizing the victim’s self-worth. This not only further hurts the victim but reinforces the cyclical nature of narcissistic abuse. Beware that during this discard phase, a narcissist may not want to relinquish control of the victim they have discarded if they have suffered any form of ego injury or narcissistic injury during the discard stage. Then, the victim may be subjected to post-separation abuse.

Emotional Scars: Blame-Shifting and Smear Campaigns.

The aftermath of “Discard” leaves emotional scars that can linger for an extended period. To justify the discard, narcissists can rewrite history, blaming the victim for the relationship’s failure. They may spread lies, distort events, and turn mutual acquaintances against the victim to damage their reputation. The narcissist completely withdraws, showing no empathy or concern. They may act as if their partner never mattered, dismissing their emotions and needs as irrelevant.

Women are especially vulnerable in these situations as they are usually more financially dependent in the relationship. Victims may struggle with feelings of worthlessness, betrayal, and the challenge of rebuilding their shattered self-esteem. This can be ten times worse if the victim has become a target post-separation. Many books document how narcissists behave during separation and divorce. For example, Tina Swithin created One Moms Battle which started as her blog while going through her divorce.?See her blog here.

Hoovering: Completing The Cycle.

Despite the apparent finality of the Discard phase, the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse often comes full circle. Hoovering is a deliberately manipulative behaviour designed to pull a person back into a cycle of abuse. This stage involves the toxic partner attempting to reel the victim back into the relationship through manipulative tactics.

Beware: Apologies and Promises.

Hoovering typically begins with the narcissist offering apologies, promises of change, and declarations of undying love. This can be highly confusing to the victim, who may want to believe in the possibility of a renewed, healthier relationship. Beware rejection of the narcissist in any form, perceived or actual, threatens both self-esteem and fears of abandonment; a narcissist might react by becoming violently angry, shouting, or calling you names. This abusive behaviour can take a variety of toxic forms: stalking, intimidation, harassment, threats of suicide, and even threats of harm and actual physical violence. Another way of punishing their victim is to use legal intimidation and litigation abuse, which impact the survivor emotionally, psychologically and financially.

Beware: Behavior Changes.

To lure the victim back, the toxic partner may temporarily modify their behaviour, putting on the mask that initially attracted the victim. However, these changes are often short-lived and serve as a means to regain control. They may declare that they have given up drinking or drug use or they have been to therapy or anger management. You need to think very carefully about if this person is really trustworthy.

The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Repeats:

If the victim falls for the “Hoovering” tactics and returns to the relationship, the “Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse” restarts with Love Bombing. The narcissist continues the cycle, perpetuating a pattern of abuse and manipulation. Please understand this cycle of abuse. Do not repeat mistakes of the past. Do not make excuses for the behaviour of your partner or spouse; understand and educate yourself on the power and control dynamic of the narcissistic abuse cycle.

I didn’t understand the dynamic. It has cost me everything that I worked for in my business. I have lost fifty per cent of my future pension entitlement. I have lost connections to my family. I lost connections to neighbours in the community where I live in Spain. I have experienced four years of litigation abuses that started in 2020 and are not over yet.

Conclusion:

Recognizing the red flags of a toxic partner within the context of the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse is crucial for breaking free from destructive relationships. By understanding the stages of Love Bombing, Devaluation, Discard, and Hoovering, individuals can protect themselves from emotional and psychological harm. It’s vital to prioritize self-worth, establish healthy boundaries, and seek support from friends, family, or professionals to navigate the challenging journey of healing and recovery from narcissistic abuse.

I need your help. I’m ready to implement my plans; I want to establish a non-profit in Spain, Helping Women Move From Trauma To Transformation, turn domestic abuse survivors into entrepreneurs… I have two free chapters of my book. All sales will help establish a non-profit in Spain, plus I’ve set up a crowdfunding with DonorBox to Support LifeChangePlans

Free Chapters. Living together, laws in UK and Spain. It’s like Goodnight Sweetheart.

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