On Recovering and Recalibrating

A few weeks ago, I joked with a couple of friends that I might be more excited about this short career break than I was about the new job.?My last day at FranklinCovey was Friday, December 9 and I don’t start my new gig until Tuesday, January 17.?I’d set aside just over a month to recover and recalibrate. I gave FranklinCovey 4 weeks of notice, committed to ensuring I didn’t leave anyone in a tough spot (a tougher spot than necessary) with my departure and spent that four weeks oscillating between transitioning my responsibilities and making to-do lists for my time off.

At first, it was going to be a catchall, an opportunity to do each and every errand, project and bit of learning that I couldn’t fit into the last decade of work, travel and child rearing.?I started telling my husband everything I was going to do - declutter the whole house, read the books on my nightstand (there are at least a dozen), start a garden, find the baby a daycare, jumpstart my fitness routine, take another stab at meditation, teach Máximo to tie his shoes, ween Matéo, figure out why Myki is so grumpy all the time (he’s 13), pitch myself as a startup advisor, outline my next book…you get the idea.?A few days into this ongoing list building, my husband stopped me (get you a partner who brings you balance).?As is true for most people, he’s the only person who can truly attest to how hard I’ve worked throughout my career…he’s watched as I took a full day of calls after getting home on a red eye,?emailed late into the night after getting the kids down while on vacation and routinely put in back to back 12 hour days. He’s seen me collapse from exhaustion and cry because I was just stretched to thin. He’s also celebrated all of the wins, given me so much good advice and cursed out anyone who’s ever doubted me or gotten in my way, privately with only me of course. I don’t want to make it sound all bad! The effort resulted in some magnificent things.

But he reminded me, as he always does, that I should rest and that I was worthy of rest.?He asked me great questions about why I’d taken the break to begin with and highlighted what a privilege this time off was. So I started to change the narrative of my sabbatical - rest, read and run.?I would take naps and read at a leisurely pace. I’d lace up my sneakers and start running again, perhaps the best thing I’ve ever done for my mental health.?Three weeks in and the truth of what I aimed to do and what has happened has been instructive. Here’s what I’ve learned.

1. ?I’m a recovering workaholic. There are lots of things that fuel the drive I have to succeed at work. Some are positive - passion, a commitment to excellence, an interest in solving problems and leaving an impact in the world, especially for my children - and others are destructive - a people pleasing instinct, an internalized belief that the world will never see me as good enough, an intense fear of financial insecurity and maybe even the belief that I don’t deserve rest or a life of ease. As much as I repeat the mantra - rest, read, run - I don’t really believe?it’s?how I should spend my time. So, I’m recovering….ensuring I don’t fill in each minute of my break (or my life and work thereafter) with tasks and requirements, faking it until it's true. It’s a journey.
2. Surprises come. I was trying to speak rest, reading and running into existence and on day two of my sabbatical, I got a bombshell, a family member’s medical emergency.?A part of me shrugged my shoulders and said, “Of course! Of course I get no peace. Of course something blows up. Of course someone else needs me.” But the reality is that this would have happened whether I was working or off and at least this way, I can dedicate some time?to?it without the pull of a job. One of the ways I’ve been successful professionally is my agility. I can flex to the challenges that inevitably arise in managing a team, implementing a strategy or leading a project. But I sometimes have trouble adapting that to my personal life. Shit happens…it rarely gives you time to plan and adjust. I’m rolling with it and leaning into gratitude about the timing.
3. Sometimes, it’s in our best interest to recalibrate how we define success. I think the US’ version of capitalism trains us around unreasonable expectations of productivity and what success looks like. I can hear the intrusive thoughts running in my head. I accomplish one thing or finish a task and before I can even smile at the good, my internal voice pipes up and says, "great, now let’s do the next thing" or, "that would be great if these other three things were also done."?These intrusive thoughts keep me chasing the next task on the list instead of reveling in the completion of the preceding task.?I’ve started setting a daily goal and pushing away the intrusive thoughts that say that’s not enough. Today, I visited my sister. Yesterday, I did a jump rope workout. Tomorrow, I’ll finish the laundry. I don’t need to be booked solid, or run a marathon or clean the whole house to have been productive with my day. These small things, if done consistently, are enough. My effort is enough. I don’t always have to move the mountains. Sometimes I can just take a step towards climbing the mountain (Forgive my mountain climbing analogy. I actually hate these when I’m reading!?)

Ultimately, I’ve always prided myself on doing hard things, especially impossible things. Across my career, I’ve always been backfilled by multiple people. In my last role, someone said, “I just don’t know how you do it” to me at least twice a week. This was my super power.?

But in reflecting on what is behind me and what lies ahead, I think this has also held me back.?It’s meant that I’m not always considered a strategic mind and instead, am a workhorse known for sprinkling my Black girl magic on whatever inconvenience or actual problem someone is facing. It’s meant that I’m recently stretched so thin, I’m actually unreliable, which fuels the negative and intrusive thoughts mentioned above.?

So here’s to relearning the same lessons until they stick, being gentler and kinder to myself and celebrating the simplicity in everything.

3 more weeks of sabbatical!