Reconciling Your Past: A Cornerstone for Building an Enduring Future – Part 2

This article forms part of the Human Capital Mastery publications: Personal Mastery.?This three-part reflection is dedicated to all who shared in the adventures of my first 20 years.?I have listed some first names, however, should yours not appear in the writing, please accept my sincerest apology.?The musical experience in my heart, while writing this second article, is The Journey to the Grey Havens by Howard Shore, from The Lord of the Rings soundtrack.

Events always take place within a larger context.?It is a basic principle of all living systems.?We often get so fixated on a specific memory that we completely lose sight of the greater picture.?This is one of the key driving forces behind a reconciled past; no matter how negative the memory, there will always be shards of life to it. ?Or as Lee stated in The Crow, “It can’t rain all the time.”

In the first article of this series, I took a stab at my high school years.?This 5-year period certainly played off within the larger context of my first 20-year life period.?Though I left the Vaal Triangle (my childhood region in South Africa) at the age of 19, I realised that it was going to take much more effort to take the Vaal out of me.?Let me state for the record, it is not about the area where you grew up. ?Any formative experience that may have created constraints, limiting beliefs or even instilled a sense of unhealthy fear into your life plays a crucial role.

People may argue that these negative aspects are the result of childhood traumatic exposure, but it can just as easily be due to a lack of certain formative experiences.?In Africa, as with many other developing parts of the world, one of the most pressing issues we continue to face is a lack of Early Childhood Development.?No matter how much we try to compensate during the later stages of life, if the foundations were not well-laid, more often than not, the person may continue to struggle throughout life.?Hence the saying, “Bend a tree while it is young because when it is old it will break” – Ancient Proverb.

Life Requires that you Close Certain Doors

From the time I begin to live my adult life, I had no other connection with this childhood region apart from my father who continued to stay there. ?Yet even this one aspect was enough to keep some doors open to the past; doors that should have been emotionally shut a long time ago.?The contrast was quite significant when one of my longstanding friends, who left the Vaal at the same time as I did, father died.?He described the event as a rip away from his roots.?For me, that most probably happened over some time.?The key difference was that I intentionally took control of the process, a luxury we don’t always have in life.

After 54 years in the Vaal, my father decided to pack up his belongings to return to his original home town, the city where I also happened to stay.?When he left in his early 20s, he promised my grandmother that one day he would return home.?He fulfilled his promise six years after we had laid her to rest at the age of 98. ?The day finally came in the winter of 2020, with the stage being set for yet another final Sunday afternoon long run through the streets of Vanderbijlpark.

You might be thinking, what’s up with all the running??It is a great hobby of mine.?However, the focus is rather on the fact that it is a perfect space for solitude and mindful reflection.?I struggle to sit still, so an activity like running is a great way for me to stay fit and reflect (most probably the reason why I find it so difficult to sit for a long period and write anything).?

Acknowledge your Roots – Strive Towards the Future

Post the formal Apartheid era in South Africa, a Truth and Reconciliation Commission was set up to facilitate a process of national healing.?Though I will refrain from commenting on the Commission’s success, the principles are sound.?Even Jesus referenced this ancient wisdom in that you will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free.?Fact, our pasts did shape us to a large degree, but we never should be a slave or victim thereof.?Reflecting on the life of Edison, I once heard somebody say that there are no failures, only another opportunity to learn.

For me, this meant that I would need to find the counterbalance to each of those negative formative experiences, for it couldn’t have always rained.?I lost my mother to cancer at the age of 11, but it propelled me to become the interdependent man I am today.?I felt trapped as a child, but had the freedom of a small town to explore with my bicycle.?I experienced some deeply rooted religious challenges within the church I grew up in.?At the age of 13, I could join a life-giving ministry of my choice.?On that note, spiritually I felt alone for many years, yet had some of the most incredible personal encounters with God including salvation, baptism and baptism of the Holy Spirit.?My father and I do not share several life premises, yet this did not stop us from continuously exploring the world of hiking and mountaineering together.

My local gym usually smelled of sweat and adrenalin, yet it taught me the principle of perseverance and hard work.??I experienced a major acne problem from about the age of 11. ?Nonetheless, the early hormonal development physically influenced my performance in sport.?Some of my beloved pets died due to accidents, some I had to take to the vet to be put down due to old age.?All this helped to cultivate in me a love and nurturing perspective for God’s creation. ?I was a very shy child and an introvert. ?Reflecting, I had a large community of supportive friends: Riaan, Stephan, Pieter, Dennis, Eswill, Hein, Driaan, Justin, Eugene, Jaco, Wynand, Elana, Marelize, Yolandé, Nicole, Annaleine, Danielle, Alicia, Ananda, Anri, Charlene, Tania, Marie, Debbie, to name but few (not relisting all the high school names in my first article).

It is interesting how perspectives shift over the years.?For one, I recalled a particularly steep hill that I had to ride on my bike to get to the gym.?As I now ran up it, I hardly even realised that it was a hill at all!?This is the truth for much of our trauma.?Seneca commented that we suffer more in our mental constructs than what it entailed in reality.?This is a point I will discuss in more detail in the concluding article.

Formative experiences came flooding back. ?I recalled two of them while running next to the Vaal River.?The first was with Riaan, one of my earliest friendships, who accompanied us on several long vacations since the start of our primary school years.?Spending hours on end in the back of my dad’s Jurgens Autovilla, travelling through every corner of the country, at no more than 80km/h, forced us to stretch our imaginations to the extreme.?As childish as this may sound, I discovered its true value only many years later while reading Zacharias’ – Can Man Live Without God??Accordingly, the initial building block that gives purpose in our lives is what he calls enchantment; a quality that most adults neglect as they grow older.?Although most of my days are now absorbed by very real challenges around executive board rooms, I intentionally focus on retaining this aspect of my life.

The second recollection is with my cousin Pieter.?Having spent most probably a year of my life cumulatively at their home in a very small town in the Kalahari, provided unending opportunities to push the boundaries and limits of life.?Qualities such as innovation, creativity, and problem-solving became mandatory as we often had to save the world from an alien invasion or just deal with the local bullies at the only two arcade video games in town.?Reflecting over those years, it is once again remarkable how those early patterns became entrenched into my adult mindset, becoming a foundation to my everyday work and life.?

Moving to a Greater Glory

As I passed by my primary school, I reflected on its then slogan, “Knowledge Conquers.”?I immediately also thought of my high school slogan of “Carpe Diem” (Seize the Day).?I realised how these two statements became a strong influence and the driving force of my life, even up to today.?However, these childhood slogans might not be the full truth and require re-evaluation.?For instance, as important as knowledge is, without practical wisdom and contextual understanding, you will merely compete with the information contained on the Internet.?Perhaps 30 years ago it might have been different, but the world has changed.?I had to learn how to balance all three of these components to “conquer” life’s challenges.

A similar experience was the running music mix that I was listening to at the time.?I have a collection of upbeat 70s, 80s and 90s music that I continue listening to while I train today.?Many of those songs contained amazing life lessons that stuck with me, while others instilled a more warped paradigm.?Let me give an example.?The third Rocky movie was famous for the song Eye of the Tiger.?A brilliant lyric contained in the song states, “Too many times, it happens too fast, we change our passion for glory.”?Passion needs to be understood in its original Latin context of “a willingness to suffer.”?This is something that I have always held dear to my heart.?There will always be challenging processes that we will need to navigate through life to learn and grow.?Looking for shortcuts around them will cost us in the long run.?Proverbs 21:5 states that good planning and hard work leads to prosperity while hasty shortcuts lead to disaster.

Though we all still have exactly 24 hours per day, our priorities in life change significantly when we become adults.?Running past my Karate Dojo, I recalled amazing lessons coupled with impeccable discipline.?Fact, I was good at it and would have loved to continue, yet the life-space is just not there.?A similar reality with singing, whether solo or part of a choir.?Consequently, one can let these passions die, or we find new ways of engaging them.?My love for Karate is something I can now teach my children at home, and the car became the perfect place to stretch my vocal cords (obviously when I am alone!)

During my dad’s final years in the Vaal, he rented a townhouse on the plots outside of town.?As I came close to the end of my run, I had to cross a highway to leave town on the way to his home.?The sun was setting straight ahead in my line of sight.?As I ran out of town into the sunset, I also realised that it was the 21st of June, the shortest day and the longest night of the year.?The sun was about to turn, announcing a new season.?I closed my eyes and said my goodbyes to the first 20-year chapter of my life, ready and enabled to continue exploring the current season of my life that I am heading into.

Concluding Thoughts

Though this period of my life already closed 20 years ago, I had to shut some final emotional doors that were still holding me back.?At the same time, I had to take with me into the future, the best of what I had learned.?My first steps of restoration began the following year when I started undergraduate studies.

To say that I officially failed during my first two years at university would not be an understatement.?How could it have been any different??The measure to which I loathed school caused me to hardly ever open a book or do any homework.?Faced with the study load of a BSc degree, I had no idea where to even start!?Looking back, I jokingly tell people that by the end of the first year I published my first book entitled, “How to write a rewrite exam.”?By the end of my second year, I republished it with the title, “How to pass a rewrite exam.”?But that story of reconciliation is reserved for the final article…

Post Script

This article is the second in a three-part series that forms part of the Human Capital Mastery publications: Personal Mastery.?The focus of personal mastery is to stimulate a state of mindfulness for the reader while equipping them with some proven tools for increased life fulfilment, efficiency and holistic health.?For more information, please contact the author, Dr. Marcel Hattingh, at [email protected] / +27 (0)83 608 7139, or any of CCI Professional’s consultant team members.?All images used were taken from Canva.com, unless stated otherwise.