Reconciling the Past

We’re all the products of our past. Whatever’s gone before leaves its mark on our personalities and shapes our view of the present as well as the future. This is how the past continues to exercise its influence on our lives. The sum of our accumulated experiences also informs our understanding of what we believe is possible. It’s how we unconsciously interpret the past and then, too often with negative outcomes, we make it our future.

The problem with this entirely natural aspect of the human dynamic is that it’s the negative episodes that dominate our view of life. They seem to outweigh all the positive events we’ve ever experienced and leave us with a distorted impression both of the past as well as the present. This explains how we often seem condemned to repeat the same old errors and mistakes of the past. It’s as if those awful, painful episodes leave a deeper impression on our hearts and minds than the happier moments. The moments of failure and disappointment condition our expectations and that leads us to follow the same patterns of behaviour that produced those familiar, often painful results.

The question before us today is reassuringly simple: is there an alternative?

Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.

― Cormac McCarthy

It’s important to accept that the past has really happened rather than pretend that our pains and disappointments somehow didn’t occur. The answer cannot be found in wishful thinking and a daily dose of denial. The key to transforming our connection with the past can be found in the way we choose to remember those events. Then we can learn to interpret them either to our detriment or to our advantage. The key is in how we remember whatever happened.

For example, when we assume the role of victim and blame the past for inflicting all manner of pain and suffering, we develop a very strong, negative attachment to whatever took place. We become trapped within this mental and emotionally-driven framework. We run the risk of repeating the pain in any situation that even remotely resembles the old circumstances. Can you appreciate how that works? Can you see how this constant stream of emotional repetition conditions us to reproduce the same old negative behaviours and outcomes?

As we become attached to our painful memories of the past, we unconsciously adjust our view to seek out similarly painful circumstances in the present as well as in the future. It’s a negative reinforcement cycle that goes a long way to explain the strange human tendency to repeat past errors and mistakes. It’s how we’re wired as a species. But it’s not how we have to be.

We are all products of our past, but we don't have to be its prisoners.

― Rick Warren

When we learn to re-frame our feelings about the past and choose to see the positive aspects of our experiences, we undergo a major sea change in our perception.

One of the best places to begin this fascinating exercise in self-development is to take a closer look at your life story. When you describe your life experiences, for example, it’s very tempting to polarise the events and describe certain aspects of your life as if they were incredibly painful, regrettable or a source of bitter disappointment.

It’s very helpful to remember that all events are simply things that happened.

What they mean is always a question of what we want them to mean. Events in themselves have no emotional content. Zero. Their emotional complexion comes exclusively from us. We provide all the emotional energy in the way we interpret the events. Our perception, our viewpoint and our emotional reactions add a layer of meaning to every event that is purely an extension of our way of seeing the world. We are the ones who add meaning to everything.

So, what kind of meaning are you adding to your life right now?

My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me or defeated me.

It has only strengthened me.

― Steve Maraboli

It’s fascinating to consider that you possess this incredible power to add meaning to everything that happens to you. You have the power to consider the past and laugh out loud at the absurdity of your actions. It’s a thoroughly cleansing experience. It’s a wonderful way to release the pent-up anxiety that always seeks to remind you of your failures yet never allows any space to celebrate your successes.

When we tame our reactions to the past and learn to release the weight of our fears and anxieties, we see the world and its rich seam of opportunity in a new light.

Guilt and regret are two of the most unproductive emotions any of us can experience. How much better it is to use that potent reservoir of emotional energy to make a solid commitment to self-improvement. It’s fine to acknowledge our mistakes and errors and failings with a smile. They’re an absolutely essential part of our daily lives. The key is to make sure we don’t repeat the same mistakes again. We are all fully capable of change. We are endowed with an amazing capacity for personal growth. We can learn to choose one behaviour over another. We can learn to make better choices. We simply need to see the past through a more positive set of lenses and choose to make the future a much happier and more successful experience.

Just as a snake sheds its skin, we must shed our past over and over again.

― Gautama Buddha

Learning to be free from the past represents a major leap forward on the pathway to self-fulfillment. We move much more easily without the weight and baggage of the past slowing us down and blocking our progress.

When we allow our recollection of the past to dominate our perception, we inevitably suffer from a distorted view of the present. If you’re going to consider the past, make a clear commitment to endow your memories with brighter, more positive feelings. If you can release your emotional connections to the past, you will experience a degree of personal freedom that will surely astonish you. It’s the best way to ensure access to a completely fresh and happier future for yourself.

Greg Parry created the Cognitive Empowerment Programs specifically to help people master their stress, overcome their limitations and explore the power of their true potential.

You can contact Greg at:

[email protected]