Recognizing the GASLIGHTER In Your Life

Dana was confused and upset. Her boyfriend, Larry, stayed out late the night before with a female colleague from work who he had dated in the past. When Dana expressed her dismay he told her that it was HER fault he felt the need to have dinner with other women, because, “After all, you’re never really ‘there’ for me."

Dana was furious but in the midst of that, she felt a nagging uncertainty. She wondered if could possibly be her fault. She knew she was often pre-occupied with her professional life. And if she was more available, Larry would be more devoted. She reasoned, “Larry could be right. Maybe I shouldn’t complain about his dinner date with another woman.” 

On the other hand, Dana knew that they had an exclusive relationship.  So wasn’t taking out another woman cheating? She kept going in circles thinking about that but ultimately came to the conclusion that they were both right.

Even more confusion set in as she pondered what that actually meant in their relationship. But what does it entail? Did Larry now have the right to cheat?  It might not be cheating from his point of view and it really could be just the result of her inadequate partnering.

The first time Larry had questioned her complaint, Dana surveyed her friends. Their opinions ranged from conclusions like “He’s an a**hole” to suggestions such as “Maybe you should have an open relationship.” None of the feedback she solicited landed her on solid ground.

Lately, she’s not asking people. She can’t even listen to opinions. What do they know anyway? It’s too complicated to think it all through.”

Roger, an aspiring hedge fund manager, works 24/7. He’s a smart guy with a high need to achieve and an even higher need for approval. In the past few weeks, he had been experiencing a lot of anxiety. He feared taking any risks and feared to fail at anything. He can’t even seem to turn in a report that pleases his boss. His anxiety always leads him to conclude that he shouldn’t even consider competing with the others vying for the same promotion. As a result, his mid-year review meeting was tense when Roger asked Sam for greater clarity on the research projects he was assigned to. Roger became irritated when Sam blamed him for not paying attention to what was asked of him. Sam reprimanded him again for the quality of his work, causing Roger to question his abilities even more. He thought he was performing well at work – but Sam kept telling him the quality of his work was terrible and that it was a result of Roger’s inability to pay attention. He didn't think he had trouble paying attention, at least not when he’s not vexing over the promotion, so why was Sam complaining? Now, he can’t seem to make even the smallest decision. What’s worse, he’s waking up with headaches every day.

Dana and Roger have something important in common. They’re experiencing the gaslight effect. They’ve lost confidence in themselves and are second-guessing their own reality.

Here are some important questions to ask yourself if the above resonates for you:

Are you always apologizing? Are you struggling to understand why you’re not happier? Do you frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior? Do you sense that something is wrong in a relationship, but you just don’t know what it is? Have you, an honest person, started lying to avoid interactions where you’ll face insults and reality twists? Is it a challenge to make simple decisions in areas that you’re normally quite competent? Do you wonder if you’re good enough? You may have been the victim of gaslighting. The first way step in assessing that is to know what this stealth abuse is.

What makes a person a gaslighter?

People aren’t born gaslighters like they are born introverts or extroverts. A gaslighter is a student of social learning. They either witness it, feel the effects of it, or stumble upon it and see that it works.

Gaslighting in itself is a way to control the moment in a relationship, to stop the conflict, to ease some anxiety and feel ‘in charge’ again. It is an unhealthy way to eliminate disagreement with your own reality and to feel satisfied once again with your own certainty. It’s a way to deflect responsibility and to tear down someone else, all the while keeping the other person hooked on you, with the end result being that they now feel the desperate need to please you in the way you require.

The gaslighter may not have any idea that he/she is doing anything strange or manipulative as they lack self-awareness and may just think they are expressing themselves directly or in a way that proves they are unflinchingly honest.  In response to “telling it like it is” they may respond to that criticism with a question back to the world: “What’s wrong with telling someone there’s something wrong with them?”

For example, to justify a question like “Why are you so hung up with being on time?” when his partner asks where he’s been when he comes home at midnight after leaving work at five. It’s his way of inviting his partner to make sense of why she is upset with his lateness…with a particular frame. And to put the conversation – and himself – to bed.

For some – but not all gaslighters – we may want to give them a chance to take a different look at an interaction or a way of arguing, or simply the way they relate when you ask for anything or suggest anything. Maybe it’s simply been a bad habit all along, and maybe your partner’/friend/ parent is willing to do the hard work of changing the way they interact with you. In other cases, it is better and safer to end the relationship or to keep your distance.

What makes us vulnerable to becoming a gaslightee?  

From the time we are kids, we are taught to believe that someone we idealize or trust or need, is always acting in our best interests and always telling us the truth. It is a considerable stretch to accept that they wouldn’t be. But the fact is, that gaslighters are manipulative and play with that trust. For example, when you question your boss for not supporting your bid for a promotion you two had discussed would be your logical next step says “ Haven’t I always had your best interests top of mind – remember whom you are talking to – I fought to have you as part of this group”. He doesn’t answer the question, he deflects the conversation and he calls on their special relationship to make his case.

Further, vulnerability to this type of dynamic can occur any time desperation rears its head. It doesn’t matter what the need is -whether it’s the idea of losing your lover or your fear that the wonderful relationship may be more of a fantasy than a reality or your worry about alienating your parent/sister/cousin. Any time you are afraid of him/her in any way, whenever you can’t stand to be on opposite sides of a conversation or even to disagree, you’re vulnerable.

When someone slaps you or leaves you black and blue, it’s easy to identify the abuse.  But, when you keep coming back to the nagging thought that it must be your fault – because your friend told you so, or your boss insinuates, or yesterday’s conversations don’t match today’s– you lose your sense of certainty, of confidence. Thus begins the downhill slide into a letting go of your own reality and ultimately the loss of the self you were when you began the relationship. Eventually, confusion, depression, and loneliness of spirit overtake you and you have to fight to gain stability.

The antidote to gaslighting is acuter emotional awareness and self-reliance. Re-learning – or accepting if you already knew and were caused to forget – that you don’t actually need anyone else. And if you’ve been abused, getting there requires a shift in mindset, which takes skills and courage.

The first step – and most important decision – is accepting that you must be willing to leave the relationship if the gaslighting doesn’t stop.

Without that preparation ahead of time, you won’t have the internal resolve to change it. Here is where you give yourself the permission to let go of something so you can save your sanity.

Then, after you’ve identified the problem, the second step is to develop very intentional compassion for yourself. You were psychologically abused. Now is the time for self-care.

Make sure to keep track of your feelings; they’re bound to vary.

Lastly, step into your inner power and do something you like and feel good about. That is the reality you deserve to live, where it’s okay to turn off the gas.

For someone like Dana, clear-sight would be trusting her gut. Dating someone else is cheating, whether one partner’s focus has been elsewhere or not. All the attention in the world won’t change the true north on her partner’s moral compass; he knows his philandering is wrong and doesn’t really care; if he did, he’d apologize and stop.

But he knows his actions can be justified in Dana’s mind if he throws her slightest shortcomings in her face. To measure these shortcomings against her own self-concept seeks advice from friends who may want to protect her but don’t feel they can tell her to leave the man. As she checks herself, the focus leaves him and shifts to her. Dana needs to transfer focus back to actions and behaviors that are objectively wrong, like seeing another woman.

Solutions aren’t drastically different for someone like Roger; clear sight can be accomplished by focusing on himself. If his boss can’t see his value, then perhaps the boss is less than competent – maybe the boss isn’t paying attention! The problem with Roger is that his lack of approval from his boss is destabilizing his self-concept enough that his work might really be suffering, which would make his boss correct. What Roger is missing is that he didn’t start this cycle; his boss did. He can stop this vicious cycle by either blocking out his supervisor’s criticisms and just performing to his usual level of excellence or leaving the cycle altogether – with another job and another boss.

It is hard and often uncomfortable - even painful to face that this may be happening in a relationship. You may have to give up a lot to save your sanity, but, you will gather strength in the process and you can do it. You can move from a gaslight-free life to a clear-sight life – and The Gaslight Effect will show you how to do it. Whether you name the dynamic and work with it successfully, or take some distance, or leave, in all cases – you will learn how to hold onto your own reality.