Reclaiming my B. A. D. Attitude

Mummy said, I must publicly confess that I prefer my B. A. D. attitude.

Ok fine, Mummy said nothing like that, and this is no confessional.

But...

THIS.IS.ME.

…being open, brave, and unapologetic about my Bad and the Good side, and my B. A. D. method of managing them both to my advantage.

"But does this post belong on LinkedIn?", said Lucas, my inner critic.

And I replied,

"Yes, this post belongs anywhere where there are human beings trying to be a better version of themselves than yesterday, so shut the hell up!"

Yes, unfortunately more often than not I have to remind Lucas that I am the driver of my mindset, not him. I digress.

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B. A. D. Attitude

I prefer my B. A. D. attitude to keep myself focused and driven towards the INTENTIONAL mission of my personal and professional life. To accept my vulnerabilities and manage them so they help me be a better person.

Balance. Act. Detach. (B. A. D.) are my Clarity Boxes.

• They help me redirect my anxiety and self-doubt towards my calm and confidence.
• They aid me in compartmentalizing my empathy, ambitions, and responsibilities so I do not become a hot mess of disoriented mayhem.
• They empower me to filter my response to events and experiences that are shaping my life, as it unfolds - by choosing where my participation matters and walking away from places, people and incidents that have no value in my journey.

B. A. D. keeps me good - with me and with those who matter in my life.

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You see, I am an 'ego-driven' person. To that effect, I can also be brutally direct, passionately opinionated, and an extremely comfortable introvert (which I only recently began acknowledging publicly, thanks to Joanna Rawbone ) who can walk away from people, places, and things the moment I feel violated, abused, or overwhelmed.

Then, I am also prone to undoing my own healthy boundaries and letting people use me as a doormat until I am emotionally burnt out, psychologically disheartened, and physically ill.

Then again, inherently I am exceptionally loyal to the extreme that I do not want to badmouth even those who have harmed me.

I wish them well; I seek no revenge.

I move myself out of the way once they have used and abused me to their advantage and simply hope that they become a better person and stop hurting others because of their own insecurities.

What a filthy mess of contradiction, you will say!

Yes, a bundle of contradictions is who I am. I prefer to see it as being uniquely capable of self-sabotage at a discount rate.

Add to that the fact that since the age of 24 I have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Anxiety Disorder, OCD, among a cocktail of other fun-challenges (not), I am a luxurious recipe of Guaranteed Failure and Doom!

Am I though?

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This is why, Balance. Act. Detach. (B. A. D.) are my Clarity Boxes - they help me find the balance, take the right action, and detach myself from outcome and toxic reactions.

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Balance: Hence, balancing is a crucial tool for me to override the inner-criticism of Lucas, the self-sabotage plans of Raj, my saboteur and hyperactive self-doubting mission of Linda, my inner-cheerleader of anxiety and ego. (And oh, Linda can be one nasty piece of work at times. She always has been.)

To balance myself I use three simple tricks: Drink Water | Seek Space | Write down my real intentions.

- Drinking water seems to act as a calming agent, soothing my heart and mind while reducing the level of hyper reactive thoughts. It reduces stress levels too, according to the Calm Clinic. Personally, it gives me a much-needed breather to focus on 'why' I am present, where I am and if I need to continue to be present or leave.

- Seeking space as an action of self-care while respecting others has been one of the boldest things I have learned to do. More than a decade ago, my therapist helped me learn a powerful trick - "When you realize it is your ego speaking, verbalize it to the participants and seek a few minutes, day or however much time you need to come back when you can contribute to the situation without being driven by your ego." I have successfully implemented her advice over and over and over and over and over again. It has changed my life.

My conversations. My participation. Most importantly the surprise and relief people feel when they hear me saying, "Right now, it is not me but my ego driving my words, so if you can give me a few moments to walk away and fight my ego, I can come back with humility and readiness to listen and understand before I speak - it will help me a ton!" - Guess what? So far, every single time, it has worked, and things have gone better and smoother and the outcome has been just incredibly positive.

It has helped me identify the root cause flaring my ego, and go back with a more open, honest, and humble contribution as to what is bothering me and how I truly feel about a certain thing.

- Then, writing down my real intentions has been a game-changer in keeping me balanced and focused.

Looking at the piece of paper reminding me 'why' I am doing what I am doing. It keeps me safe from distractions as well as makes sure I am not influenced by the cunning smarts of those who would rather I be their personal doormat, than have my own values and ambitions to accomplish.

It also keeps me real and honest with myself - what I want, what I can and what I cannot.

Then, it most certainly helps me remember what is not acceptable and that I must not agree to or be trapped in, even by mistake.

BALANCE Clarity Box - CHECK.

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Act: Let me preface by saying, I dream a lot more than I act. To act out my intentions is a crucial step to make things happen in real life.

I am a dreamer, a thinker, an idea machine. So much so that at times, I have seven ideas going on in my mind simultaneously and I have to scream back at myself to 'calm the fuck down' and write-down as many ideas as I can make sense of, to ponder upon one at a time.

Easy said.

You do not want to see the inside hurricanes and thunderstorms of my brain. You will be dizzy before you can spell the D of dizzy! So, I filter, write down and act.

• I am excellent at strategizing if I say so myself.
• I create strategies for clients, teams, friends, and family.
• I can confidently say, those who are diligent about putting those strategies into action, thrive and laugh their way to the bank.
• I create and write down equally impressive strategies for myself.

But at times, I do not implement them.

I can give you 783 excuses, but they are just that, excuses.

So incredibly early on in my life, I learned one thing about myself - acting on my intentions excites me.

It helps me focus and keeps me on track.

So much so it defeats my mental wellness challenges and kicks them to the curb like an all-star champion!

So even when Lucas, Raj, and Linda are hell-bent on derailing all my plans and hard-work, I act, however small the degree of action.

Because for me, small action creates a wave of enthusiasm that encourages me to take the bigger action, driving me to get more done. It creates a ripple effect in the sea of self-doubt and procrastination, making waves of excitement, hope and desire to do more, be more, to Dream Big, Make It Happen!

(Joanna Rawbone, your work is giving me clarity in my expressions, do you see? I bet you do!)?

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I also surround myself with action takers.

Most of them are also empaths, gentler beings and have all the struggles (or some) that I have as an empath and an overthinker, but they also have 'take-action' personalities.

Patti Talbot is one of them.

Her positive stubbornness to get things done, and to get them done on her terms is inspiring as much as it is empowering.

Then there is Santosh Satish H. - A relentless voice of kindness.

I have seen her journey of sacrifice, pain, and integrity. I have seen her facing the worst imaginable challenges, and yet continuing to be kind, forgiving (as much as I hate that word personally, she makes it beautiful on her) and steadfast in her values and mission. I look at her and think, 'Yes, I can!", instantly.

So, I ACT on my strategies, dreams, and hopes.

And guess what - IT FU**ING WORKS!!!

ACT Clarity Box - CHECK.

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Detach: The realization that I have this ability to 'detach' when my mind, body and heart are not in alignment with a person, place, or event - came to me only in recent years. I began noticing and understanding it in 2014 but understood my own intentionality behind it only in 2019.

Prior to that I mistook it as a ‘reactive reflex’ to the setbacks I experienced.

What I realized in 2019 was, my detachment was intentional, purposeful and a clear strategy to reclaim my space, time, and value where they have been under attack.

People often use the term ‘he/she/they shuts down on us’ towards people who go into hibernation and solitude to process things they must in order to

-?????? Recover from the overwhelm.

-?????? Reconcile with the reality.

-?????? Restore their strength.

An act that is more about mental and emotional recovery than physical or visible presence or absence, for that matter.

I see Detachment and Disconnection as two different birds that do not even share the same tree, let alone the same nest.

-- Disconnection to me is when I make myself unavailable for a while, long term or for good, however, deep down I still have the room for thinking about the person or situation I disconnected with.

So, I may have made it ‘out of sight’ but it is not ‘out of mind’ and it rents a corner in my heart or mind knowing I will still have to provide repairs and maintenance from time to time.

I am still expecting something to happen deep down. Or I know they are expecting me to do something, if not now, later.

There is a ‘string’ attached, at all times.

A string that suffocates me.

It is because I still have not yet quite mastered the art of true disconnection where I can enjoy the moment I am in, without thinking about the moments ‘after the disconnection period’ is over.

I still tend to stress about the moment when I will return to the connection. I have improved a lot over the years, yet this aspect of my mindset still is a ‘work in progress’.

My fantastic friend and yet another empath and an educator and learner for life, Jean Vengrin says, “We are all WIP – Work-in-progress!”. I deeply agree.

-- Detachment on the other hand is intentional freedom from expectations.

No commitments.

No availability.

Absolutely no connection or curiosity but a complete detachment.

In case of detachment, once I have taken my action (which is often a decision to walk away or become unavailable) I want nothing in return, now or later, or ever for that matter.

In fact, I do not even want to know if my action was of any value, was appreciated, or otherwise. It is me, doing the deed and walking away with satisfaction and an intentional decision that I do not need to know ‘what happened after’ that moment.

It is me freeing myself from their reaction or response.

It is me deciding that I do not need to know what is happening in their life.

It is me expecting absolutely nothing, good or bad.

It is me walking away to never look back.

Detachment is me unburdening myself from the weight of knowing what happened after I walked away. It is accepting that I no longer need to know more about the person, situation or place I walked away from. It is celebrating where I am in this moment and where I am going next. ?

Detachment is a powerful, intentional, and determined RECLAIM of my authentic being.

DETACH Clarity Box - CHECK.

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Let me conclude by sharing that several times and for several years I followed the ‘good attitude’ (read as, ‘I was an excellent people pleaser who followed the social construct) despite being extremely unhappy with it.

I allowed my directness, boldness, and confidence to plummet in the darkness of, ‘but I don’t want to upset XYZ’, while I kept shattering the person I truly am. I allowed shame and fear to decide my attitude towards life, relationships (professional and personal) and circumstances and went into the deep end of not recognizing the person deep within.

That. Ship. Has. Sailed.

It has taken a while to RECLAIM the original, authentic, real me (and it is still a work-in-progress).

BUT.

Here. I. Am.

Reclaiming life, on my hyper-intentional terms, unafraid, unashamed, unapologetic – as I am.

There are still challenges.

I will still make mistakes.

Now and then, I will still digress.

Or get distracted.

But I will be in-charge of my INTENTIONAL* EDGE Life.

With my strategic B. A. D. attitude.

Because.

THIS. IS. ME.

And oh, I am only getting started.

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PS: If this article strikes a chord with who you are, where you need to be and brings you clarity on the change you need to bring about in your life – I will consider it as a reward and an encouragement to share more of my journey as it unfolds. If someone you know needs to read this, be sure to point them in this direction.

XOYOX

- szebastian -

Credit: Special thanks to Tamara Ulrich for taking time to review and edit this article.