Reclaiming Conversation

An Insidious Presence

At home and at work, even as you sleep, your devices – the smartphone or tablet – attach to you and surround you. Their apps monitor, buzz, beep and ring at you, and even when they don’t, you can’t resist their allure. Engineers and designers have made email, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Fitbits and other tools addictive. They reward you through the neurochemicals you experience when you use them. They give you the illusion of accomplishment and productivity, and keep loneliness at bay.

“Face-to-face conversation is the most human – and humanizing – thing we do. Fully present to one another, we learn to listen.”

No wonder you ignore your children at home, your colleagues at work, your relationships with friends and lovers and, ultimately, yourself. Even during the best movies and most engaging presentations, you can’t resist your phone. At work during important meetings – for example, Senator John McCain once played poker on his phone during a Congressional hearing – you text. Not even intimate relations can compete with the phone.

“You don’t have to give up your phone. But if you understand its profound effects on you, you can approach your phone with greater intention and choose to live differently with it.”

The costs, though not immediately obvious, include kids who can’t converse or relate in person and who exhibit little empathy. In organizations, isolation leads to declining morale, less creativity, little collaboration and lower productivity. Friendships erode as once-deep conversations grow shallow and disjointed. Once people lose the ability to relate in person, they hide behind devices all the more.

“Multitasking gives us a neurochemical high so we think we are doing better and better when actually we are doing worse and worse.”

In relationships, unlimited choices of people to meet through apps like Tinder create a frenetic, never-ending search for a better match. Texting instead of talking leaves lovers distracted, devoid of context and unable to read each other’s emotions. You lose solitude and begin to fear loneliness. Without having time alone to think, you lose your sense of self. Your creativity suffers, as does your ability to think critically.

Family

With parents and kids all online and on their phones, the possibility of conversation diminishes. Some families compensate by having their discussions on chat tools and resolving disagreements by text – even when they’re physically together. This new way of communicating, according to proponents, better manages emotions and avoids the risk of saying regrettable things. You can consider, reconsider and edit a text, but in person, what’s said is said.

“We respond to every search and every new piece of information and every new text as though it had the urgency of a threat in the wild.”

Listening and understanding suffers. Children crave attention; they want their parents to hear them, acknowledge them and really listen to them. Parents should put away their phones at dinnertime or designate another time for attention and conversations, make eye contact and talk with their kids. If your children don’t learn to use the parts of their brain that are meant for conversation, their neurons will not connect in those ways. They simply won’t learn to connect with others and to have comfortable conversations. They will fear and avoid human contact.

“The web…narrows our exposure to ideas. We can end up in a bubble in which we hear only the ideas we already know.”

Your children desperately want you to put away your phone. Even if you make a point of having meals with your kids, or being with them otherwise, your phone will get in the way if you let it. When Jon, a divorced father, wanted to spend real time with his young daughter Simone, he volunteered to go on a school field trip. Yet between taking photos and sharing them with friends, and answering his regular texts and emails, he said nothing to his daughter, even though she sat next to him. Not until Simone asked him to put it down did Jon realize he had spent an entire hour of the trip staring at his phone. It never occurred to Jon to go on the trip without his phone. This means he can’t show his daughter how to be whole without having a connected device. Even realizing his daughter’s unhappiness wasn’t enough to make Jon give up his phone.

“You may not learn that a candidate who seems ‘moderate’ in national advertising sends anti-gun control advertising to other people, just not to you.”

Jon can’t take all the blame. His phone and apps constantly demand his attention. Jon needs to acknowledge this. Then he can begin the process of regaining control. Once you learn that fast food and unhealthy snacks contain ingredients that their manufacturers precisely chose to keep you coming back for more, you can consciously decide to eat healthier food. The same goes for your phones and other devices.

“We are all vulnerable to the emotional gratifications that our phones offer – and we are neurochemically rewarded when we attend to their constant stimulation.”

As for the illusion that you can avoid the messy, uncomfortable aspects of arguing by confining it to texts and chat, consider Haley, whose mom texts her only to express alarm and disagreement. Over time, Haley discounts those texts. When a real crisis occurs, she can’t recognize it in her mother’s messages – she no longer knows her well enough. Or take Toby, a teen who is too tired of his mom’s texts to respond. She makes him install a tracking app so she knows his location at all times. From conversation to information to surveillance – hardly the relationship you want with your kids. Technology may make relationships easier, but not better.

Friends

Friends converse less today. For many of the same reasons – risk, messiness and emotions – young adults eschew conversation in favor of email, text and Facebook. Even when kids come together – at parties or over dinners out – they remain apart, engaging in superficial chatter while maintaining multiple chats and checking their email or Facebook. The constant possibility of a better party means that they can’t relax and connect with those around them.

“Our technologies…have changed who we are. And nowhere as profoundly as in our capacity for empathy.”

Phones shield you from having no friends. If you’re alone at a party or feeling conspicuous, just bring out your phone. But people will assume you chose it over them. Shy? Instead of making the effort to talk to the person next to you, feign busyness on your phone. Kids today feel responsible for remaining available, “on call” to their friends, but only virtually. If someone has a crisis and needs them, the new etiquette demands a quick text reply, not an in-person visit. Haley was with her friend Natalie when Natalie received a break-up text from her boyfriend. As uncomfortable as Haley was, she hugged Natalie and forced herself to ask questions and comfort her friend. But in the middle of the conversation, Natalie began texting her other friends and reading their replies – a lesson in the new rules for Haley.

Conversation is “where we develop the capacity for empathy. It’s where we experience the joy of being heard, of being understood.”

At Holbrooke, a private school in upstate New York, the teachers worry about kids’ lack of empathy and emotion, as though they all suffer from Asperger’s. The kids don’t know when they’ve hurt other kids’ feelings. They have advanced technical skills, but no interest in talking to each other or to their teachers. The school asks the kids what sorts of friends they want to make. The kids answer that they want friends who amuse them and keep them from being alone. They don’t mention caring, sharing, talking or listening.

“Solitude reinforces a secure sense of self, and with that, the capacity for empathy.”

This new technologically based kind of companionship envelops adult relationships too. Even when old friends sit and talk and turn off their phones – a rare occurrence – the simple presence of the phone changes the conversation. People avoid deep or challenging conversations with phones present. Like kids, adults have redefined conversation to include the friends in front of them and others in different places. Thus multiple, superficial conversations replace meaningful ones, eroding friendship and replacing it with a togetherness whose main purpose is to dispel loneliness.

Romance

The new rules change matters of the heart. Instead of responding to a friend’s texts quickly, a waiting game takes over. No one calls anyone. Better to send a coded text to a person you like. If he or she ignores you, you can pretend not to notice. Or put your picture and bio on Tinder or other dating sites to access an unlimited choice of partners. You right swipe on the ones you like and left swipe the others. The same thing happens to you, but no one feels rejected because you see only the matches. Unlimited choice can lead to decision paralysis and unhappiness.

Help your “employees learn to tolerate the anxiety of being left alone long enough to think their own thoughts.”

Adam believes if his conversations with his girlfriend Tessa occur mostly online, he can craft perfect messages, analyze her responses and improve their relationship. But even with examining every word and punctuation mark for meaning, Adam can’t live up to Tessa’s ideals. Adam spends the next three years agonizing over every word he wrote, every reply she offered, but in the end, doubts if he ever really knew her.

Education

Kids don’t pay attention to each other or their teachers and professors. They bring their devices to class, ostensibly to take notes or supplement the lecture by looking up relevant sites and facts. But they also maintain multiple chats and check their emails – they multitask.

“Conversations help students build narratives…that will allow them to learn and remember in a way that has meaning for them. Without these narratives, you can learn a new fact, but not know what to do with it, how to make sense of it.”

Multitasking doesn’t work. It creates the illusion of accomplishing more while you accomplish less. Learn to “unitask.” Focus on one thing at a time. Turn off your screens and Wi-Fi. Print important materials instead of reading them online. This avoids disruptions from email, chat and the web, disruptions that come, on average, every three minutes. Once you are interrupted, it takes 23 minutes to get back to the performance level you had beforehand. Learning to unitask is difficult, especially for kids raised on multitasking, but your brain can “rewire” itself with practice. Work requires focus, time and reflection. While doing the work of founding the field of behavioral economics, professors Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman worked together, in conversation, “four to six hours” a day for an entire year – all to produce a 10-page article.

“True love is a lack of desire to check one’s smartphone in another’s presence.” (Alain De Botton)

Beware of the notion that you don’t have to learn facts, including dates in history, because you can always look them up. In rejecting knowledge, you lose context. Information has no meaning when you can’t connect it to other knowledge and events. Young physicians, for example, can access AI and databases to help diagnose their patients, but overreliance on these tools means losing the ability to spark creativity or reach conclusions by tapping into their reservoir of knowledge and experience. The New York Times named 2012 the “year of the MOOC.” These open, online courses chunk content into five- to six-minute segments. Some prepare students for a better classroom experience by providing the lecture online and the discussion in person – in the classroom. MOOCs offer an online community through moderated “discussion boards.” They work to a point, but are more effective when they combine online time with classroom time. Online conversation doesn’t substitute for real conversation; virtual lecturers don’t replace skilled professors and teachers.

Work

In the past, attorney Audrey Lister enjoyed conversations with fellow lawyers as they pored over cases together. Lister marvels that young lawyers avoid conversation. They juggle conference calls, emails and text – alone in their offices. In meetings, they report only on their own work. They don’t pay attention to what anyone else says, and they don’t expect anyone to listen to what they say. Their emails and texts take precedence. Collaboration just doesn’t happen. Many workers believe they get more done through multitasking. Talk, they believe, erodes their performance and output, jeopardizing their careers. Ben Waber, trained at the MIT Media Lab, studies face-to-face conversation using “sociometric badges” that employees wear. Waber finds that performance and well-being improve as quality conversations increase. Waber warns organizations against telework. After Radnor reversed its flexible telework policy, trust and collaboration accelerated and the company grew at five times the previous rate. Other leaders address the problem by banning devices in meetings. Google engineers its culture and the locations of leisure areas to increase serendipitous meetings among workers.

The Boston Consulting Group (BCG) schedules “disconnected time” for employees. This “predictable time off” increases employee engagement and happiness. BCG expanded the program globally to 900 teams. Starbucks emphasizes connection and chatting between customers and employees.

Taking Back Control

New technologies promise to supplement your life, but often they end up changing or controlling it. Texting “disrupted” conversation; soon after, it replaced it. Emerging AI supplants human caregivers and baby sitters. Powerful algorithms collect and analyze everything you do online and predict what you want. You see what algorithms want you to see based on your previous web activity and you end up in a bubble. You don’t know how your online persona develops or how to control it. Think deliberately about your behavior. Put your phone out of sight and talk to your children, partner and co-workers. Spend time alone, either thinking or daydreaming. Talk to people who don’t share your views. Send your kids to device-free summer camps. Demand more transparency on the web. And most important, set aside time for real conversation.

Learn More About Us and Our Services

Contact Us

Email:             [email protected]

Web:               www.bentleymoore.co.uk

LinkedIn:        https://www.dhirubhai.net/company/bentley-moore-executive

                        https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/jasongeorgebme/

                        https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/davidmparkin/

Tel:                0333 012 9079

About the Author

Sherry Turkle, a foremost expert on the impact of technology on culture and psychology, teaches at MIT.