Reclaim your most valuable resource

2022 was a busy year for the Burns' household.?

And when things get busy, I just push forward and work harder. I struggle to rest.? The busyness of 2022 made me miss the rhythms Claire and I found in 2021.

In 2021, Claire and I started to take Sunday as a day of rest. We turned off our phones. We only pursued things which were life giving. We learned the discipline of consistent rest.?

If it were not for our practice of rest in 2021, I would not have realized just how busy we let last year become.? As a child, the discovery of 'no' is a powerful moment. Immediately, it becomes the child's go to word.?

At some point though, your 'no' is attacked.

• someone bullies you verbally or physically.
• your parents force you to do something you'd prefer to not do
• you say no to an event and are forced to give a 'good' reason to not join
• a coach or teacher demands a better attitude about an activity you dislike
• a friend ignores your 'no' or makes passive aggressive comments

And once your no is attacked, you feel a pressure to become a 'yes' person. It can become difficult to set limits on others. You may feel like you need to people please.?

The goal of this article is to counterattack this attack on your no. To reclaim permission to become a confident 'no' person again.

If you can reclaim no, you can also:

• strengthen your integrity,
• set appropriate limits, and
• establish healthy boundaries.

So without further ado, here are 3 simple and practical tips to reclaim the gift of no in your life again. ?

Tip #1:?Start with No

A yes feels final. Once you say yes, it is hard to reverse your decision.

Does it not suck to commit to something and immediately feel overwhelmed with regret? When you commit to a regrettable yes, you allow resentment to build. You may experience guilt and shame.? In other words, starting with a 'yes' can become problematic.

A no, however, is not problematic. AND better yet, a no is flexible.

A no can shift to a yes. So, next time someone asks something, start with No.

"I really appreciate the invite. I cannot come, but I will let you know if things change."

"Thanks for asking. At this time I cannot do that, but I'll let you know if things change."

When you start with no, your yes can truly be a yes. Your word can become more reliable.

When you start with a no, you strengthen your integrity. ?

Tip #2:?Clear is kind

In an ideal world, your friends, significant other, and family could read your mind. Then, they would know how to meet your needs or respect your boundaries.?

Since this ideal world is not your reality though, you are responsible to communicate your boundaries to others. As a result, it is important to clarify your no when setting boundaries.?

Here's the difference between an unclear and clear no.

Unclear example:?"No mom. You cannot come."?

Clear example: "Mom, until you promise to stop speaking negatively to our child about their mother, you cannot come."

You can see how that would be clear. But how is that kind?

Well, with the unclear example, your mom must guess what must change to be able to attend. In the clear example, the expectation is clear.

The boundary can be understood.? This is why, in the wise words of Brené Brown: Clear is kind.

If you want to effectively reclaim no and set appropriate limits with people in your life, be kind. Be clear.

P.S. Often times, setting a limit on someone requires you to repeat yourself multiple times.? ?

Tip #3: Carry your responsibilities and let others carry theirs

Gah. This one is tough, y'all. You, as an individual, are responsible for your:

• feelings,
• choices, and
• desires.?

Read that again. Sometimes though, you may try to control other people's feelings, choices or desires.?

"But if I tell them no, they may feel mad. I can't handle their anger."

"If I show them my feelings are hurt, maybe they will not do _______."

"If I just do ______, then they will not suffer the consequences."

These are attempts for you to carry or control someone else's feelings, choices and desires.?You think these attempts help, but they only enable or control.??

The alternative option is?you may try to manipulate someone else to take responsibility for your feelings, choices or desires.

This could look like manipulating others to alleviate your feelings, expecting others to take on the consequences for your choices, or guilt tripping people to make decisions for you.

"If I show them how bad I feel maybe then they'll feel bad for giving me feedback."

"If they would just do ______, maybe I wouldn't feel so sad."

"If they really loved me, they would just do/decide ______ for me."

These are attempts to force someone else to carry your feelings, choices and desires. You think these attempts are for your betterment , but they only disable your personal growth.?

Instead, take responsibility for your feelings, choices and desires. Let others do the same.

If you do, you can set limits and reclaim the power of no to protect your energy, time and choices.

TLDR (too long didn't read):

To reclaim no in your life:

1. Start with No: A no is flexible. You can always shift a no to a yes
2. Remember "clear is kind": When setting limits with someone, communicate why.?
3. Take ownership for your feelings, choices and desires: And let others take ownership for theirs.?

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