A Recipe for Resilience

Everyone reacts differently to adversity. It is striking to note that it is not uncommon for those who have experienced dramatic professional events (such as redundancy, failure to get promoted, bankruptcy...) to say a few years later that the event led to a major positive change in their lives. How does this happen? Let's start with a parable that I discovered recently:

A young woman confided to her mother about all the hardship that she was going through. It seemed that problems were stacking up with no clear horizon in view. She felt powerless and hopeless. She was exhausted, tired of struggling and considering to give up.

Her mother, a famous cook, took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.

Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma the daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently.

• The?carrot?went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.
• The?egg?had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its insides became hardened.
• The ground?coffee?beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

Some people say that you can only recognise a true leader in the face of adversity. So, are you one of those "tough guys” or “tough girls" who give up when faced with stronger opponents? Or one of the soft ones who get stronger? Or one who manages to transform the situation into something new?

Our experience of adversity and our actions depend on many factors. It is possible to influence some of them, in particular our perception and the meaning we give to the situation. Becoming aware of how we operate will also enable us to gain greater freedom and find transformational leverage points.

Depending on the context and the issues at stake, each of the three strategies in the parable can be beneficial, provided we know how to calibrate the "cooking time". Indeed, too much of a good strategy can also have harmful consequences. For example, a leader or manager who tends to be implacable and too hard on themselves or others, may benefit from softening up. But too much softening up can lead to the loss of any ability to defend themselves or their team. Similarly, a manager who is too soft can benefit from getting stronger. But becoming tough to the point of being aggressive or abandoning one's humanity would not be an improvement.

The dynamics of the coffee beans is obviously of a different nature because of its creative and systemic forces. It's about transforming the system (oneself, the others, the situation). It contributes to the emergence of a new reality. It's about moving on from adversity that has been endured to adversity that has been metabolised. It restores or increases the latitude for action and makes it possible to have an impact on one’s environment. It's about overcoming adversity and building resilience.

Inspired by this parable, I developed the following NLP-based protocol to catalyse your resilience in the face of adversity.

A.? Re-consider the meaning and emotional state that you associate with the situation

• What do you feel? Name your emotional state (emotion/energy). What does this emotion teach you?
• What other emotion/energy could help you to deal with the situation better?
• What meaning/interpretation do you give to the situation? What other meaning/interpretation could you give to it?
• Identify someone who would easily and successfully handle the situation. This could be someone you know or have known, or a character from a novel or film. Then express the meaning/interpretation this person would give to the situation. What would be their emotion/energy when dealing with the situation? What would be their strategy?

B. Discover the hidden resources within the situation

Step back from the situation, however difficult it may be. From a detached point of view, look at the situation from different angles.

• What can you learn about yourself in the adverse situation? What can you learn about yourself in the process of overcoming the difficulties?
• If the situation of adversity contained a "hidden gift" for you, what would it be? If it were a message? A lesson? A discovery about yourself or others? An unsuspected resource? A transformative experience?...
• In what way could the difficult situation enable you to make a fresh start? To take a decision you haven't made up to now? To choose a new direction?

C. Mentally test the strategies of the carrot, the egg and the coffee beans

Mentally and sensorially project yourself into each of the three strategies, one after the other. Feel the effect and adjust if necessary.

• The carrot strategy: Add a dose of gentleness to your current energy, experiment with the effects of a little more indulgence towards yourself and others, soften your views and positions. Sense mentally and sensorially the resulting effects. Does it suit you? Adjust according to your needs.
• The egg strategy: Increase your endurance, add a little more strength to your current energy, take less conciliatory positions and assert your point of view more firmly. Sense mentally and sensorially the resulting effects. Does it suit you? Adjust according to your needs.
• The coffee beans strategy: Imagine that you transform the situation by your very existence, by your actions, by your energy. What impact do you want to have on the situation? How will your posture, your thoughts, your energy and your actions help to transform the system, change your world, and maybe change the world? What will be the result of this transformation?

After having experimented the three strategies, consider which one is most relevant to your situation? Which offers the best benefits for all stakeholders? You can also try out a specific combination of the three strategies.

D. Project yourself into the future

• Mentally and sensorially project yourself into a favorable future, after you have successfully overcome the period of adversity or transformed the adverse situation into a new one.
• From this future, look back at the current situation. How do you consider the situation, its meaning, its outcome?
• Identify the resources you activated to overcome the difficulties or transform the situation.
• How has this experience transformed you? What new person have you become by going through and overcoming this adversity? What lessons can you pass on to others?

I will end this article by a special thought for all those who prefer tea to coffee: if you were a tea leaf, how would you like to flavour the water of life?

#leadership #resilience #emotionalintelligence #coaching #NLP