Receiving feedback helps to lift you up and broaden your perspectives

Have you ever had a moment in the workplace when something happens that makes you feel like you’re stuck down a well, looking up at the light but not sure how to climb out? Most of what you see is the brick walls around you, and perhaps even the view above is so bright you can’t make out much detail. You may feel a little lost, lonely, stuck, anxious. Does this bring back memories from somewhere in your professional past? Perhaps a time you applied for a job, and were turned down? Perhaps something you were working on didn’t go as planned? Perhaps a time your emotions got the better of you and you reacted in a way you regretted afterwards? You’re not alone, we’ve all been there. We’ve all, at some point in our careers, sat at the bottom of the metaphorical well, wondering how we are going to get out. Or worse still, we’ve found ourselves in a well without even realising we’re there, keep turning around in the dark, walking around in a tight circle against the walls…

Ideally of course, you work in a team lead by a talented manager-coach who provides you with a ladder to climb out through their mastery of constructive feedback to help you grow. The best manager-coaches will harness the neurological advantages of positive feedback to release dopamine bursts in your brain to combat the negative feelings by reinforcing what has gone well, the efforts you put in, the way you handle a difficult situation, and focusing on the positives to build your motivation, focus and positivity. In these previous articles I have written on feedback I have provided lots of food for thought to manager-coaches to leverage feedback as an essential skill to use with your teams. However, managers don’t always use feedback to its optimum potential. Sometimes, you’re left wondering… 

There’s two ways out of that situation… 

The first is hoping that by crying enough tears the well eventually starts to fill up and the water level will rise you up sufficiently to climb out. In my experience, whinging about having a manager who doesn’t meet your expectations and doesn’t give you the feedback you need is not going get you anywhere fast. Believe me, it’s not the quickest way out. 

The second option, the one I’d strongly urge you to consider, is to reverse-master feedback techniques and ask the right powerful questions to get the development help you need. 

Let’s say you were turned down for a job after interview. You get the “sorry, but we aren’t taking your application any further” email, and hopefully someone reaches out to explain their decision. If they don’t, then be proactive and contact them. If they aren’t forthcoming with anything of use to you, then lead the conversation to giving you constructive feedback through questioning: Can you explain why I wasn’t successful on this occasion? What specifically was missing based on your expectations? How did you come to this conclusion? What could I have said or done differently in interview to convince you otherwise? What would I need to do to be considered should I apply again in the future? What did you feel about how I interviewed? 

You get the picture. With each answer to these questions, you get closer to the light at the top of the well, and you start to get a much better perspective of what lies above. You know why you were turned down, you understand how the decision was reached and on which basis. You are no longer left second guessing in the dark. You may not agree with their feedback. This is fine, but just bear in mind it is based on what they saw of you through your CV, your application and your interview. It isn’t a judgement on you as a person, just a series of factual observations gathered over a short space of time of getting to know you. If you feel they misread you, you’re going to rightfully feel frustrated, but look at feedback as a means to grow your technique for next time and ensure that you present yourself differently, more clearly outlining the points you think they missed. Again, there’s no point being angry with them, you can’t control their decision, what’s done is done (by the time they decline you, they’ve almost certainly accepted someone else) however you can control how you react to it, and what feedback you can get, in order to stand a better chance next time.

Let’s take another example. You didn’t achieve the result you wanted on an assignment you’ve been working on. You’re feeling you’ve let yourself down, failed the team, wasted your time and effort. You want to kick yourself. It’s very easy to fall into the trap of doing just that, kicking yourself whilst you’re down, losing confidence, draining yourself of motivation. You can so easily find yourself at the bottom of the well. Talk to your colleagues, your manager. 

A good manager-coach will support you and help you to get the perspective you need to get over it. If they don’t recognise you’ve fallen down the well, then give a shout out and let them know you’re there. Ask for quick chat, and be open with them : I’m feeling disappointed by the outcome, how about you? Ideally they’ll put things in perspective for you at this point. Let’s just say for the sake of this hypothetical situation that they don’t, and that they either make matters worse by saying they’re disappointed too and just brush you off. Again don’t leave it there. Be clear that you want to talk about it to improve next time and would welcome their help to get better. What did they see that might have lead to you not achieving what you set out to do? Was it something you did? Was it something you said? Was there something missing in your work? What was the impact on them? On the outcome? How do they feel with your effort? Do they think you did everything you needed to? Were there other factors at play? Should you have been aware of them, and if so how? If the opportunity arises to try again, what are the options next time? 

By prompting this conversation you may very well learn that your manager was actually pleased with your work, the way you prepared it, how you’d worked with the team, how you presented it. It may very well be that for reasons entirely independent of your efforts and work, things didn’t go your way. Not getting the desired result isn’t always reason to feel bad. Take the time to gain feedback on the situation, factually understand how it was perceived from their perspective. Focus on recognizing the wider aspects, other than the result itself, such as the skills you brought to the problem, the way you worked on it, the effort you put in. This approach will almost certainly find some useful development possibilities, and probably identify some strengths you can build on next time. 

Then there’s always the times when you find yourself in a well without even realising you are there. It is perhaps in these circumstances that feedback is the most important, in order to raise your self-awareness. Perhaps, leaving a heated debate in a meeting, you get a comment from a peer or from your manager : “Really, what was that all about? Take a step back and chill out...”. You’re puzzled, you thought you’d defended the team’s interests well, and were quite happy with yourself. This comment alone doesn’t help you to constructively question your behaviour, so ask: I’m passionate about the topic, was there an issue with how this came across? Specifically what did you see, or what did I say, that made you feel that? What was the impact of my words or actions? How could I have conveyed my point convincingly with passion but avoided giving you this perception? Realigning expectations on how you do your job is crucial to safeguard your reputation. Explaining your good intentions without being defensive, and showing you are open to feedback will help build trust, and probably help you adjust your behaviour in future, perhaps even identify an external factor or larger point at stake you weren’t aware of us.

As is often my conclusion when it comes to talking about talent, there are so many variables that everything depends on the context. One thing however is clear for me. As employees, whether or not we are managers ourselves, it is very easy to think it is someone else’s responsibility to help you to grow and develop. It absolutely isn’t. Sure, all of us have a manager-coach whose job it is to help us achieve our best potential and learn and develop. Remember though that they cannot do this alone, and sometimes understandably they don’t spontaneously do so at exactly the time you need it. The world of work isn’t always perfect. It’s up to you to work with them and help get the input you need, when you need it. 

Feedback shouldn’t be perceived as something just for managers. It isn’t just your manager who can help you to develop. Your peers, colleagues, and the wider team can also help you, as you can help them. Support each other’s growth by daring to ask for their feedback. 

Above all, feedback is not some monologue of someone telling you what they think, it is a dialogue, a two way exchange. You can initiate it, and you can even drive it. It is as much about your ability to ask the right questions as it is about your ability to be open and actively listen to, and learn from, what you hear. As difficult as it sometimes may feel, taking a look in the mirror and receiving feedback is an extremely efficient means to lift you up, help you to gain a better view, a wider perspective, and overall to improve. 

Alan Lambert, Fellow of the Institute of Leadership and Management, is an International HR leader currently working at the Corporate HR Strategy division of a global energy major.

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