Receiving feedback gracefully: A conversation with my client
A few days back I was speaking to an entrepreneur. He is deeply interested in self-growth and proactively asks for feedback from his team.
Recently he noticed himself resisting feedback. He was keen to learn how he could be more open while receiving feedback.
Would you like to know what we discovered in our conversation?
Here is how our conversation went:
“I ask for feedback from my team. However, when I receive the feedback I notice myself resisting the feedback. How can I be more open?”
In order to be open, it’s important that you find out what’s making you close (resist).
“I think it’s my need to justify my part.”
Why is it important to justify your part? Or what do you fear might happen if you don’t justify?
“I fear I will be judged.”
What is the judgment you are afraid of?
“I hate to be anything less than perfect. I guess that’s what I am afraid of - being less than perfect.”
Why is it that you hate to be anything less than perfect?
“I guess that’s something I picked from my dad. He was hard to impress. He always used to point out how I could have done something better rather than appreciating my efforts.”
Hmm okay, and how did it make you feel back then when you failed to impress your dad?
“It made me feel sad. After a point, I started acting as if I didn’t care about his views but I always craved his approval.”
What did failing to impress dad say about you? How did you interpret it?
“I interpreted it as - I am not good enough”
Do you still believe you are not good enough?
“Not really, but I do see that fear showing up at times.”
Is it the fear of being judged as 'not good enough' that is making you resist the feedback?
“Yes, I think so. I am trying to prove I am good enough by justifying my part.
I’m glad you could see this.
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“I’m happy to see this, but what do I do about this now?”
If the reason you are resisting the feedback is due to your fear of being judged, then you will be open to receiving the feedback only if you stop fearing it.
“Hmm yeah, that’s true.”
Give me a reason why you need not fear being judged.
“Well, I am the one running the company so no one can fire me”
That’s great! Could you think of any more reasons?
“It’s okay for me to have flaws and make mistakes as long as I am open to learning from my mistakes. It doesn’t make me any less.”
Exactly! Can you think of one more reason?
“It’s not possible to impress everyone all the time. The more I focus on that, the less I focus on the things that matter, the things that are within my control.”
Perfect.
“Uff! It feels like I have shed at least ten kilos from my chest.”
Hehe.. that’s good. Enjoy the lightness and allow yourself to flourish.
“Yes, I will. Thanks, Arjun.”
Reflection Question
Have you noticed yourself resisting feedback?
By feedback, I am not just referring to the pointers given by your manager during your performance review. It can even be the remarks made by your parents, spouse, children, or friends too.
Are there any such remarks/feedback that resist despite knowing there could be some truth in their words? - It might be worth taking a pause to wonder.
If you discover instances where you resist, notice if there is any fear or judgment beneath them.