To Receive or Not to Receive Advice?
Hello, dear friend,
Following up on?my previous article, I’ve gathered some thought-provoking ideas from the messages I received (thank you all for your input!), and felt inspired to write a second part to address these intriguing perspectives. In my last article, I aimed to highlight?the benefits of sharing relevant experiences over offering unsolicited advice.?
Drawing from my own experiences and those of my clients, I explored how advice, even when well-intentioned, might not always add value.?I fully understand the internal struggle of having what seems like the perfect solution and resisting the urge to offer it uninvited.
Admittedly, I often find myself in situations where my solution-oriented mindset must be significantly restrained. It’s a challenge, but I remind myself:?my problems, my solutions; not my problems, not my solutions. In this follow-up, I will delve into two key ideas that emerged as reactions to my article.
1.??“But I’m waiting for your advice, why won’t you just give it to me?”
Several readers emphasized how crucial it is for them to receive advice when they share a struggle. They’ve expressed reactions like: “Don’t tell me your stories; tell me what you would do if you were in my shoes.” Imagine you resist the urge to give advice. Instead, you ask thoughtful questions to guide the person or share your own experience in a similar situation. Yet, the reaction is one of disappointment, leaving you feeling as though your efforts did no good. In such scenarios, there are at least two approaches that require careful consideration.
The first is to provide the advice that’s being so earnestly requested.?While this might offer a quick fix and help to diffuse the immediate tension, it’s often a short-term solution. It works best for one-off interactions but is less effective in repetitive or ongoing relationships.
The second approach is inspired by the wisdom of Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, who said: “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.”?While this method may initially provoke frustration or even anger, it can lead to far better outcomes over time. This approach is particularly valuable in relationships where empowerment is the goal, such as with children, team members, or anyone you interact with regularly. It nurtures their confidence and ability to make their own decisions, though it does require greater patience and a long-term perspective.
To summarize, I rely on this reasoning to guide my actions:?If it were my decision, would I feel satisfied knowing it was based on someone else’s advice? And, even more importantly, how would I feel if I made the wrong decision because I followed someone else’s advice?
2. “I understand not to offer unsolicited advice, but what should I do when I receive unsolicited advice?”
This situation is quite common and often calls for a delicate approach. Imagine you share a personal experience, and without asking for anything, the listener jumps in with carefully crafted advice. Their suggestions, though unsolicited, are typically well-intentioned and rooted in their own experiences, which they feel give them the authority to offer you this “precious” advice.?
Since the advice is given with good intentions, and if you value the relationship or the person’s feelings, it’s often best to accept it graciously. Treat the advice like a gift or like a book. You can metaphorically place it on a shelf, to revisit later when (or if) it feels relevant.
To reduce the likelihood of receiving unsolicited advice, it’s helpful to set the tone at the beginning of your conversation. If you suspect that sharing might trigger a flood of advice, try framing your intention clearly and politely:
Navigating the complexities of advice, whether giving it, resisting the urge to offer it, or receiving it unsolicited, requires a thoughtful balance of empathy, clarity, and self-awareness.
Ultimately, the key lies in respecting both your own boundaries and the intentions of others. Whether it’s offering your perspective when invited, framing your sharing to avoid unwanted input, or graciously handling unsolicited advice,?each approach contributes to healthier, more meaningful interactions.
By cultivating these practices, you might not only strengthen your relationships but also create an environment where personal growth and mutual understanding can thrive.?After all, the most valuable gift we can give one another is not the perfect solution, but the support and trust to discover it ourselves.
On a funny final note, I often recall my father’s reaction to some of my stories. He’d say I wasn’t smart enough for not seeking his advice before making decisions. To me, however, figuring things out on my own feels like the smarter choice. Maybe it’s just one of those timeless generational differences...
Grateful to share insightful stories and excited about hearing yours,
Alexandra
Fractional Executive I Chief Transformation Officer I Organizational Change I ?? Growth & Scale-up I Futures Studies & Foresight I ??Strategic Innovation I?? Proud Mum
1 个月one approach I often use after listening when someone is sharing a story is just to listen. listen and ask questions not for me to hear more about it, but rather to help the other person to understand more and go deeper into their story. and at the end, I can ask "Do you want to hear my advice?" I believe offering advice is not something we give away for free, and it requires a check-in first, like an advice etiquette ??