Rebuilding myself emotionally, mentally and physically after complete devastation

"I began working in the fitness industry when I was 17, I have over 15 years of industry experience and during that time have met countless people and tracked countless fitness trends. What has perplexed me the most is the “yo-yo” nature of all programs to continue to “suck people in” and then have them blow back out, two steps back from where they started, leaving them more frustrated, upset and ultimately in a more vulnerable position to buy the next “quick fix.”

My approach to health and fitness is very different and I created my own business and brand, XL Personal Training, to empower clients to empower themselves. I see my role as a fitness professional to be one of encouragement and education to assist people with correct technique, accurate information and motivation until each individual has better self-awareness and feels that they are in control of the direction they are going in and know what they have to do to get there, safely.

I firmly believe that knowledge is power and when you apply basic principles the outcome is predictable. There is so much misinformation online. Without studying nutrition and the human body it is unrealistic to expect to know what information is accurate. Similarly, the health and fitness industry is now diluted with so many fitness enthusiasts and wellness coaches pretending to be personal trainers, making it difficult to trust anyones advice. I have obtained a diploma in fitness. I also have several specialties, including rehabilitation training, functional training nutrition. I am currently enrolled in a bachelors of “nutrition for medicinal purposes” at Pyrmont campus, NSW. My qualifications have been verified by Fitness Australia and I encourage anyone to look me up prior to beginning this “reset” to confirm my credibility as a qualified and experienced fitness professional.

https://fitness.org.au/directory/reps/tanya-dunstan/1/105833

I genuinely want to help people. If you have invested in yourself to gain access to this information and implement a sustainable lifestyle change to improve your health and wellbeing, then I want to work with you to make this happen!

My background is character building, but I am not a victim, I am a survivor. Instead of looking at life or people presenting obstacles, I am now seeing them as opportunities to redirect and improve my health and the situation at hand. My mum and aunt are morbidly obese, both with a compromised quality of life due to their physical condition. Growing up with a mother who used to emotionally eat I quickly observed how food could be used as a form of self-harm and that was really concerning for me. Myself and my two sisters didn’t want to go down that road so we all responded in different ways. My twin sister developed anorexia when she was 15, my older sister went through stages of bulimia and I was just crazy competitive and I would be consuming countless bowls of sustain and loaves of bread with vegemite because I was always training for athletics or school sports. I remember how often my sisters would weigh themselves and when I was younger I thought it was funny because I was consistently 35kgs from the age of 11-14. I got the shock of my life when I stepped on my grans scales over a Christmas break when I was 15 and saw it had clocked up to 38kgs- then it clicked- maybe that number is what my sisters defined themselves by. To make them feel accomplished or even happy. Please know now: NO NUMBER CAN DEFINE YOU, YOUR SELF WORTH NOR HAPPINESS.

*Please note: if your scales do not break down your body composition, what are you actually weighing? Instead of chasing numbers please shift your mindset to implement a lifestyle and healthy habits that will result in you feeling better. You looking better will come as a by-product.

My body has been all different shapes and sizes, I have had two beautiful children (born 2012 and 2014 each 18 months apart- both the most perfect surprises I could have ever dreamt of) I had severe complications after the birth of my first child, which resulted in an emergency surgery to manage the bleeding and I was told if that didn’t work I would have to have a hysterectomy.

The best way I can describe that feeling when you don’t look the way you feel is “displacement.” I have always been strong and fit and healthy. If anything, maybe a little more “indulgent” because I love food! If I can afford it I want to eat it, so I appreciate its worth and how it makes me feel. Being pregnant and subsequently a mum to two babies under two had me in a shape that I felt self-conscious about. I snapped myself out of this slump by making a commitment to myself and my children that I would be a mum they would be proud of. I finished off my fitness studies and started following the principles I knew. I set meal times, I set water goals, I designed my programs and started training to be stronger and healthier. I then started helping friends and eventually built up a business, so I could share my approach with a wider audience.

I set ambitious goals to continue to inspire and encourage myself and others and after summiting my third of seven peaks (Mt Aconcagua February of this year, 2018) my world came crashing down, literally from the highest of peaks to the lowest depression I have ever experienced. I was informed my children had been abducted by my ex partner and were unable to return home to Australia. I was in shock, but devastated and unable to manage the anxiety, distress and grief. One of my aunts even had the audacity to tell me to “build a bridge and get over it.” I was also surprised by the lack of compassion of those closest to me. Taking this opportunity to judge me for being ambitious and trying to establish a successful business to secure my childrens future. I was drowning in sadness and even though everyone knows how important self-care is, being able to follow those basic steps can be difficult. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, it was that I couldn’t untie the knots in my stomach filled with concern for my children and the emotional hostage situation they had been trapped in. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t stop crying. I stopped leaving the house I was staying in because I would spontaneously burst into tears frequently throughout the day. I’d take the train to my grans and be crying for 2 hours each way, just to give her a hug and hide out at the beach to try to work the next step to get through the day. I had put up photographs of myself and my children but I couldn’t even look at them. I’d lie in bed and feel as though my rib cage had been ripped open and then crushed flat. It was a suffocating and excruciating pain that I could never have imagined, let alone wish on anyone.

After 3 months of having my children abducted I saw a GP and broke down admitting that I needed a mental health plan to help me manage because I wasn’t coping. I started a mild dose of antidepressants and also regular appointments with a counsellor to talk through my depression. I have never had any issues with my mood. I am a naturally energetic and optimistic person but having my children taken away (my son was only 5 and a half years old and my daughter was not yet 4 at the time) really broke me. It took a couple of weeks to work out strategies to process and start accepting the situation. Things take time, none more so than court systems so all I could do was my best. I had dropped the ball in a lot of areas in life, especially my work. I had my mobile disconnected as the phone bill was excessive from overseas calls I was making in desperation. I was stressed in every capacity but would not ever abandon my children so the only option I had was to stay strong and keep fighting to get them back.

I was worried about taking the antidepressants and didn’t really think they did much anyway, more a placebo perhaps but I couldn’t handle the thought of life being any harder so I continue to use them and will do so until I have my children home. It has been almost 6 months since they have been taken and although I have seen them for small windows this situation is crippling. It wasn’t until I met with an Australian solicitor who quoted costs that I had to make a decision to “snap out of it”- “it” being the depths of depression I was in. I looked at the list of goals I had for the year, I was supposed to be competing at an ICN southern hemisphere championships competition in Thailand June 23-24th. I had been on the poster for the worlds championships the previous year, however a close friend had lost her battle with cancer and I couldn’t bring myself to attend. This year was supposed to be in her honour, also a family holiday to take my children to see the monkey temples and BIG Buddha. I booked this trip early January and the thought of going without my babies made me feel sick. This was not a “holiday” this was a nightmare that seems to drag on beyond any reason. I had to rationalise a lot. I’d already paid for the majority of expenses for the trip, if I cancelled now it would be dead money. I had to compete.

I hadn’t properly trained and eaten well since last year. When I came off the mountain I was strong and fit and motivated and now I felt like a corpse that was decomposing. I had trained with a close friend in New Zealand and when I saw the video of my back doing lat pull downs I cried again, this time because it was the first time I realised how skinny I had become. I wasn’t proud about “losing weight” to be honest, I was scared to look at myself for fear I’d see how much weight I had lost. I hadn’t lost body fat, I had lost all of that muscle I had worked so hard to build! When I saw my ribs I felt sick. I’ve felt sick since this whole ordeal began but this sick was different- it was sickness from shame and embarrassment. I had become someone I didn’t want to be. I had no time and in order to compete at the southern hemisphere championship show I had to compete in a domestic show and the last one for the season was the ICN All Female Classic in 3 days. I registered, called up a mobile tanner and competed. This might not seem like a big deal but when you consider that I am a Personal Trainer and my body is an endorsement to the work I do- this was a BIG slice of humble pie. To add insult to injury my bikini got caught up in the post so I ended up decorating some “loveables” lingerie and essentially got up on stage unprepared in my underwear to be judged. I mused that this situation is every competitors “biggest nightmare” but in comparison to everything else going on in my life, it was trivial, (if not comical.) Anyway, I didn’t win, but I didn’t have to win, I just had to reset. On Monday 11thJune I wrote myself a program, designed a meal plan and started training. (This was my Reset program) I have never found it so hard to get started. I knew it would work, but I had no motivation or excitement- I just felt sad and empty. I decided that instead of feeling worse about it- I wouldn’t think about it. I’d just set alarms in my phone to eat, I’d write down water goals, to drink and I’d make 3 work outs a day (1.5 hrs in total- but even 20 mins would create change) it was an effort. Day 1 I set my alarm for 7:am to wake up, have my vitamins/medicine and train. . . in reality I got out of bed at 9:am. I didn’t get angry at myself I thought, “well that’s better than 11:am- I can still make breakfast!” and so it began. I did some basic body weight exercises, which can best be described as an out of body experience. Moving felt so foreign to me which again upset me, but I thought: “I don’t have time to indulge in more self pity, regret or criticism, all of my energy has to go towards getting this done” Day 2 was harder because everything hurt, but I expected that. By day 3 I had a “stuff it, what’s the point, I’ll just eat a packet of biscuits to hurt myself and sabotage all that I’ve worked so hard for” I got as close as to sniffing the packet. I resisted the temptation to quit and instead, I had a big drink of water, ate 4 pears and went back to bed to cry for a little bit. When I woke up, I felt better and again, reset. Day 4 was exciting for me. I had overcome another challenge and opted for a healthier substitution. I went for a 45 minute bike ride and continued to be consistent with my meal plan. Although eating was still an effort I was proud that I was doing it. I also thought it was hilarious that usually by the shred stage of comp prep (last 10 days for me) everyone is hungry and this was the most I’ve eaten, consistently for almost 6 months! I wanted my appearance on stage to be one of inspiration to encourage others to face their fears and fight their inner demons. We are naturally so self-critical, I want to get passed the distractions that superficialities provide and focus on things that make people truly happy. Health plays a big role in this.

Due to the amount of muscle I have lost I was not be able to compete in my usual fitness and sports model categories. Instead, for the first time ever, I competed onstage as a bikini model. This is a goal for some, which I respect, but this was a BIG step back from where I want to be. I am now determined to work harder than ever to rebuild and come back stronger to showcase what the body can achieve when the mind believes it and you commit to a system that works. It certainly hasn’t been easy, seriously, almost every day was a struggle, but it has been straightforward and successful. I feel stronger, happier and more in control. I will now transition into my 4 week transformation program to continue to focus on a more long term stable rebuild. (Not 3 sessions a day, even just one 20 min workout a day is a win if that’s more than you usually do.)

I want my reset available for others to use to get out of their funk, slump, rut or whatever it is that is holding people back from being their best. Please make the time to read this when you have time to focus and commit to succeeding.

This reset not working is not an option if you follow the steps and understand why it works. https://play.google.com/store/books/details/Taz_Dunstan_RESET?id=_btmDwAAQBAJ

(Exert taken from the second chapter of my book: "Reset" -written June 2018)