The reasons why others perpetually trump on your boundaries…

What am I doing wrong...?

Do you see yourself as someone with high personal standards and clear expectations of what you are and are not comfortable with, yet find yourself continuously disappointed as time and time again your boundaries are not respected by others?

It might be because you are unintentionally sabotaging yourself by failing to effectively communicate and enforce your standards.

Nendra Tawwab, the author of 'Set boundaries, find peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself' defines boundaries as

"expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships."

This goes beyond putting up walls and saying 'no' to others bidding for your time and energy, boundaries involve practicing self-care, having clear definition of roles in a relationships, taking responsibility for our feelings and actions, and communicating how we expect others to treat us.

It can be very challenging as some people will resist you setting boundaries, in particular if they have benefitted in the past from you not having any. However, it is important to remember that healthy, nurturing relationships are based on mutual respect and honouring each others needs.

Consequently, healthy boundaries will only enhance your relationships with people worth having in your life, as they allow clear understanding of the roles, expectations in the relationship, and foster an environment of safety, support, and mutual respect. If that is the quality of the relationships you want in your life, take responsibility for making it happen.

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You are choosing your consequences...

If you find yourself resenting others for stepping on your boundaries and disrespecting your needs, this might be because you give them permission to. After all, we cannot complain about what we allow to happen. We must take responsibility for the outcomes we get in life, and that includes the quality of our relationships. Below reasons might give you an insight as to why your boundaries are not honoured by those you interact with:

1/ You expect others to read your mind

You might have heard a saying 'Common sense is not common'. We all have our own version of reality and make interpretations of the world around us through a set of lenses that are unique to each and every one of us. We cannot assume that just because the other person is close to us, they understand our needs and expectations without our need to verbalise them.

If you find yourself frustrated with your boss for continually asking you to stay late, or your mother-in-law dropping in five times per week without notice, you might ask yourself whether you have made your boundaries known to them. The fear of rocking the boat is the most common reason we refrain from clearly stating our boundaries (for more reasons, check out my recent blog, 'Why do we resist setting boundaries?'), however without explicit communication, we cannot expect others to abide by the rules and expectations we hold in our minds ("Doesn't he know I have a family?" "Why doesn't she understand that we want to have our own space?").

Stating your boundaries is the very first step, and at times we have to be painfully explicit. Using vague language and failing to articulate the importance of the issue and consequences of not respecting those boundaries, sets us up for disappointment. You have to be assertive and leave little room for interpretation. For instance, a statement "I don't like when you're late" has less impact than "I really would like you to respect my time and show up on time to our meetings, if this continues I will have to refrain from meeting up with you as these delays really disrupt my schedule". If you start treating your boundaries seriously, others will too.

2/ You react to violations rather than set expectations upfront

Failing to clearly communicate your boundaries is likely to result in others disrespecting them. This may lead to burnout and resentment, which often manifests as either avoidance or "passive aggressive" response to others crossing the line. You might even utilise this tactic as a way of enforcing boundaries, based on an underlying expectation that if you respond a certain way, others will learn what you do and do not like. This is a dysfunctional approach to setting boundaries and it does more harm than good, as the reaction is often emotionally charged and is likely to cause more friction in the relationship.

The underlying frustration and anger can lead to helplessness and un-resourceful behaviours, like defensiveness, avoidance, silent treatment, outbursts. No relationship has ever benefitted from that, and we must acknowledge the importance of open and transparent communication as a way of preventing the unwanted feelings of resentment and anger.

3/ You apologise for setting boundaries

Because of the discomfort associated with setting boundaries, many people get really squeamish when trying to assert themselves and end up apologising for having standards. When you start a sentence with, "I'm sorry, but…", whatever comes after is likely to be ignored as it communicates lack of conviction and implies that you don't really want what you are asking for. For boundaries to be effective, you must communicate with certainty and own your decisions. That involves standing your ground when those expectations are not met. Ultimately, it is about choosing temporary discomfort over resentment and creating space for long-term thriving.

4/ You allow too much flexibility

Even in circumstances when we have clearly communicated our boundaries to others, people around us will test our limits. Just like kids keep repeating the same behaviours despite parents telling them not to do something, people in your life will test you to see how serious you really are and how much you are willing to bend your rules for them. They might try to persuade you to have some flexibility or to drop your boundary altogether.

Whilst boundaries are not necessarily walls, and there is nothing wrong in wanting to find a compromise, you need to be clear upfront to what extent you are willing to give in. If you agree to do just a small portion of your friend's request to help them with something, despite your intention to create more space and energy for your own projects and interests, you are signalling that your boundaries are flexible and you are implicitly giving others permission to get their own way eventually. It's imperative to be explicit and follow through on the consequences, which leads me to my next point…

5/ You don't hold others to account for their violations

It is our responsibility to not only communicate our needs and expectations to others, but also keep them to account when those expectations are not met. You cannot expect that just because you made your boundaries known, others will immediately fall in line. It is in our nature to resist change in our relationship dynamics, others might protest when they realise that you will no longer be available to be their saviour, or might get defensive when you point out how they do not respect your time...

If you tell your colleague that you cannot support them on any more of their projects, and they come to you to give them a hand 'just this last time' and you say yes, that is you teaching them that you are not serious about your boundaries and therefore it is okay for them to keep trying you. If your friend is perpetually late to meet you, and you patiently wait every time even though you made it known that you do not like when they are late, you are inviting them to continue to violate your boundary, because you are not respecting it yourself.

It is critical to follow through on the consequences, either by re-stating the boundary ("As I shared before, I do not have capacity to step in, thank you for understanding") or demonstrating that you will not accept others' not valuing your time by letting your friend know that you will not wait for them, and to schedule a time they can commit to in the future.

It's your job to protect your garden

Healthy boundaries are the cornerstone of thriving relationships and a cure to most relationship issues. For those to be functional and beneficial to both parties, we have to take responsibility for the part we play in creating and upholding healthy limits in our interactions. Failing to own our role in the process might lead to resentment, overwhelm, and burnout and we cannot blame the other person for triggering those feelings in us, if we allow them to.

Communicating your needs and expectations to others is just one aspect of enforcing healthy boundaries. In circumstances when others expect flexibility or out right disregard your expectations, it is essential to enforce your boundaries through action. If we are not serious about what we will and will not tolerate, we cannot expect others to be serious about it either. After all, we teach others how to treat us. By handing out concessions and letting disrespect slide, we are communicating to others that our limits are arbitrary and it's okay to disregard them.

As our relationships evolve, so will our boundaries. However, we are always in control of communicating those shifts to others. Boundaries do not have to be rigid, we have a choice in terms of what we are comfortable with. In the words of Lydia Hall,

"Healthy?boundaries?are not walls. They are the gates and fences that allow you to enjoy the?beauty of your own garden."

If you want it to flourish, nurture and protect it, build a fence and open the gates when you choose to. The choice is always yours.?