The Reason You're Clashing with Your Co-Workers—and How to Fix It

This piece is one in a series of five newsletters on the Four Tendencies and Radical Candor. If you find the concepts in this article useful, don't miss my upcoming 90-minute virtual workshop on the top 10 conflicts that derail the workweek—and how to fix them using the Four Tendencies. 9/26 at 7:30 pm ET.

Have you ever wondered why your co-workers respond differently to the same situation?

Here's an example: There's a mandatory meeting every Monday at 10 am; sometimes the boss comes, sometimes she doesn't. Some people attend, some people skip. When you ask why they go or don't go, you get four answers.

• "The meeting is mandatory. Of course I go."
• "I go to the meeting if there's some information I need, but usually it's a waste of my time, so I skip it."
• "I go to the meeting when the boss is around. When she's out of town, I don't bother."
• "I hate seeing a standing meeting show up on my calendar. I never go unless I have something specific I want."

No matter what category you fit in yourself, you may be baffled by your co-workers' behavior. When you understand the "Four Tendencies" personality framework, their decisions make sense.

This personality framework sorts people into four categories based on how they respond to expectations.

We all meet or resist two kinds of expectations—outer expectations and inner expectations.

Whether you meet or resist outer and inner expectations determines your “Tendency”—whether you’re an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel. In the last newsletter, I focused on self-awareness and gave an in-depth description of each Tendency. This newsletter will help you understand how to use the knowledge of others' Tendencies.

Here are some examples of how you might encounter the Four Tendencies at work:

The co-worker who won't budge from the schedule:

Your co-worker is great except that she's so inflexible. Every week, your team comes up with a calendar, but inevitably, certain things have to shift around when people fall behind. She gets very unsettled by these changes and wants to hold people to the original plan.

When you realize your co-worker is an Upholder, you'll know that she thrives on schedules, to-do lists, and clear expectations. Build flexibility into the calendar from the beginning. For instance, instead of saying, "Pat will give us the data on Monday," say "Pat will give us the data between Monday and Wednesday."

The co-worker who asks too many questions:

Your co-worker is great except that he drains everyone's energy with his constant questioning. You're in a meeting, and everyone else has heard enough, but his hand is still in the air. His need for information is making him a bottleneck.

When you realize your co-worker is a Questioner, you'll know that he needs to have his questions answered before he can move forward. Suggest ways to make the questioning more limited and constructive, such as: present questions in writing; pose questions in advance, so the presenter comes prepared; point out when a delay to get more information won't lead to a better outcome.

The co-worker who can't say no:

Your co-worker is great, but because he's always willing to pitch in and help others, he's over-extended. He hasn't taken a vacation in two years. He works late every night. You can tell he feels resentful and overwhelmed, but when you say, "Is everything okay?" he says, "Everything is fine." When you say, "You need to learn to draw better boundaries," he gets angry. When you say, "If you didn't want to work on those projects, why did you agree to do it?" he gets even angrier.

When you realize that your co-worker is an Obliger, you'll know that he needs outer accountability to meet inner expectations. Deadlines, check-ins, deliverables are all helpful—and remember, your co-worker also needs accountability for vacation, stepping away, and setting limits on co-workers' demands.

The co-worker who plays by their own rules:

Your co-worker is great, but she acts like the rules don't apply to her. She formats things in her own way, she doesn't attend meetings, she blows through internal deadlines. In the end, her work is outstanding, and she prides herself on always being on-time and on-budget, but along the way, she creates a lot of turmoil.

When you realize that your co-worker is a Rebel, you'll know that she needs freedom and choice, with as little supervision and accountability as possible. Tell her, "You've got the chops to get this done! Let me know if you run into any roadblocks; otherwise, I can't wait to see how you choose to solve this challenge."

Understanding the different Tendencies means more effective collaboration and fewer conflicts, because when we understand other people's perspectives, we can work with them more effectively and compassionately.

Whether we're dealing with a boss, colleague, employee, client, or customer, the Four Tendencies helps us understand other people's perspective and why they act the way they do.

Want more ideas about using the Four Tendencies at work? Have a question about a workplace conflict that you want to ask? Join the virtual workshop about the Four Tendencies at work here (Zoom; September 26, 2023; 7:30 pm ET).

Next week, guest writer Kim Scott will share her insights on workplace dynamics using her "Radical Candor" framework for providing feedback. Subscribe so you won't miss it.