The Reason 'Why' is Powerful when Understanding 'Puzzling' Autistic Behaviour.

Autism has often been considered a 'puzzling' condition but often this puzzlement is in relation to the people around the autistic person not understanding 'why' they are behaving the way they are, rather than the behaviour coming from nowhere. This is mostly due to many autistic people being unable to communicate a need or process their emotions in the moment, leaving their supporters and care givers at a loss as to what to do to help them.

I want to share more on this topic through the beautiful example of my friend parenting her child in the park (I have had her permission to write about this). I have always been a 'people watcher' and I particularly love observing my friend because she parents very differently from me, and I enjoy watching and learning from the approach she takes. This particular day as I watch her interact with her son, it made me question the difference between surface and deeper levels of understanding of neurodivergent behaviour (in this case the behaviour of a nearing 7 year old child). I want to make it clear that this situation could have been replaced with any other situation, as it is my friends investigative approach and parenting style that I want to comment on not the situation itself.

For context the situation was as followed, my friend goes and gets something from her car leaving her child with myself and other friends to mind them, two of which were setting off onto a river to go on a kayak and a SUP board. My friends child hid one of the paddles and we were joking around with them saying 'we know where you have hid it' as if it were a game. What we didn't realise at the time was that this behaviour meant something much more to that child than a game of hide and seek.

When my friend returned, her child automatically went into refusal behaviour, 'I don't want to be here'...' I want to go home', refusal to engage and refusal to stay. There was no compromise happening, her child was wanting to go home and that was that!

Rather than rise to, or challenge their behaviour, my friend's first response was 'what happened when I was away' to which it was explained that two friends had gone onto the river, as the child continues to sob, I then remembered that her child had hid one of the oars and let my friend know...so now its two pieces of information. This then led to another revelation, her child had wanted to go onto the water first but hadn't told anyone (darn you social communication). Then the upset from what the child had planned and not communicated needed to be emotionally managed (emotions are so big for many neurodivergent people - especially disappointment and change of plans) - again this was beautifully supported by my friend explaining that the disappointment they felt was okay and they would get to go onto the river as soon as the two friends returned.

What I wanted to share in this example, is that if my friends child's behaviour had only been considered on a surface level, to onlookers it would be 'puzzling' why they were behaving that way, especially when the original distress was not communicated in words i.e. 'I want to go onto the river first'. However, through digging deeper, then deeper again, the root of the difficulty was considered and the emotions that accompany them supported. This approach is not 'easy' it takes time and a bit of investigative work and a whole lot of patience - but it does work!

The reason many neurodivergent people's behaviour is difficult to understand is not that it comes from nowhere but the reason, feeling or even pain that is experienced by that person is not expressed in words and emotions in real time (sometimes this delay can be hours, days or even weeks later). It is therefore down to all of us who support autistic people, to look for signs, ask questions and repeatedly investigate 'why' this behaviour is happening so we can better support and teach that child strategies for overcoming their frustrations. In my friends case her child's behaviour was a mismatch in their expectation and the reality of a situation, but for others it could be a sudden change in tolerance to the sensory environment, or a delayed processing of something that happened earlier in the day. Whatever, the reason, we will never get to understand those we love and support them better, unless we ask 'why' - Behaviour always has a reason WHY!

Supporting and Celebrating Neurodiversity,

Jess x x