Be a really useful Yelper ... and other culinary complaints from a former critic

By John Lehndorff (Boulder Weekly 1/5/17) - “Where do you want to eat?”

“I don’t know. Where do you want to eat?!”

Is this not a central question plaguing family and friends every day regardless of religion, class, race and party affiliation?

Finding the right place to share a meal can involve intricate negotiations reflecting everybody’s dietary demands and it also involves research.

How do you find out about great restaurants besides reading the food columns and features in Boulder Weekly? I’m betting it is through word of mouth from family and friends, searching Google and, for better or worse, Yelp.

In the past year I have researched and wrote magazine dining guides and features about restaurants across Colorado and spent endless days tracking down information about each eatery. It was hellish. I can’t begin to describe just how thoroughly the internet and social media is awash in dated, incorrect and simply nasty information about restaurants and food sources. Too much incorrect information is on the eateries’ own websites, menus and social media sites.

I’m all in when a rant is deserved about bad service, but mainly I see too many nice comments about cafes on Yelp that are obviously penned by relatives and friends, and nasty ones from nearby competitors. Don’t get me started about the bad grammar. How can I respect your analysis of the appetizer when you misspell foie gras?

It’s important because the media landscape has changed and in many cases now the only information about a given eatery is the crowd-sourced Yelp restaurant listings.

Once upon a time before the dawn of the internet, the way you found a good place to eat was to: a) ask your friends, and b) read restaurant reviews. Between 2000 and 2008 I reviewed more than 400 restaurants as the dining critic for the late Rocky Mountain News. I was as anonymous as possible with a credit card under the name “Michael Mazzola,” and I paid for everything. I ate at places two or three times and sometimes sampled eight entrees, eight starters and as many desserts before writing.

Yes, getting paid to eat was the fun part, except when I encountered a bad meal. The challenge was always penning a story that helped readers decide whether a place deserved their hard-earned dollars. The one thing I never forgot was that I wasn’t a film critic reviewing a movie that would leave town in a week. I was critiquing someone’s family business.

What does this have to do with you? I want to encourage you to be a really useful Yelper, to offer accurate, fair comments. Don’t be cruel. Don’t be like the person who left this comment about a local dining establishment:

“Please fact check me, I was slightly inebriated when the server gave the monologue.”

Also, try to avoid endless examples of your rapier-like wit and ability to use too many words:

“(The restaurant) is like a soulless, sexy prom date who proudly giggles as her hair bounces atop her shoulders. Or the flexy football player who has no idea he is without a measurable intellect.”

I’m also not sure the following comment adds to our knowledge about this spot:

“This restaurant is small and cramped. My friend chose this as a place to grab dinner. He didn’t want to disappoint the Yelp Elite, and I would say that he definitely chose well.”

(I hadn’t realized there was a Yelp Elite. Do you need to pay extra for that designation?)

Also, comments about your scoring system are generally not useful but details of the meal are:

“They’ve been open for four days so there is no possible way to get 5 stars!”

“Would call (it) a 4.5 and I give no 5 stars!”

While I’m giving out unsolicited advice, please do not hold meals hostage while you shoot another photo of plates for Instagram, particularly when hot food is getting cold. Finally, try to stay on topic on Yelp, avoid politics and don’t whine about things over which the restaurant has no control, like the weather.

(For a Colorado view of what happens when good Yelpers go bad, be sure to check out the 2015 “You’re Not Yelping” episode of South Park.)

There are only a handful of professional restaurant critics left working for local newspapers and magazines and thousands of eateries in Boulder, Denver and environs deserving attention. Among the sources of local dining information that I consult are Eater (eater.com/denver), Zagat (zagat.com/Denver) and Dining Out (diningout.com/denverboulder). So we’re all depending on you now.

Finally, I encourage restaurants to respond to horrible comments on Yelp. It’s almost a necessity to correct the incorrect information with a response because the comments live on forever in the perpetual matrix. I discourage restaurateurs, chefs, bartenders, servers and busboys from attacking diners or competitors in social media. It’s not hospitable, and isn’t that the point?

It always comes back to bite you in the future.

Comments? Nibbles@boulderweekly.com.

John Lehndorff is a contributing writer for Produce Business magazine and host of Radio Nibbles at 8:25 a.m. Thursdays on KGNU. Podcasts: news.kgnu.org/category/radio-nibbles.

https://www.boulderweekly.com/cuisine/nibbles/eat-pray-post/