Not Really A Hero - The Connection Between Father, Son And Mental Health Struggles

Not Really A Hero

My father had deep flaws. He was an alcoholic. He became angry and violent when he drank. He fought depression. He was sexually dysfunctional. He had an unbalanced and unhealthy love for the women in his life. He sexually abused children in my family.

My father was also my hero. As a young boy, I remember there was no problem I had which he could not solve. He was the most physically strong person I’ve ever known. He was tough. He worked like a mule. He could weld, plumb, wire, frame, saw, cut, and build. He could hike, camp, and navigate in the wilderness. He taught me good moral values and work ethic.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized people are not typically good or evil. They are shades of gray. My father was neither good nor evil, but both, in varying degrees.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized people are not typically good or evil. They are shades of gray. My father was neither good nor evil, but both, in varying degrees. This mix of good and evil changed over the course of his life. As he grew older, he lost the fight against most of his demons. His struggle against alchoholism eventually killed him. (I was in my mid 30’s when he died.)

A Gradual Change

When I was a boy and a teenager, I took after my mother. She and I were quiet, shy, and afraid of change. (My younger brother, in contrast, was a much better reflection of my father. He is charismatic and makes friends with ease.) My father loved me, but I knew he struggled to understand me as a boy. I wasn’t like him at all.

When I entered my early twenties this started to change. I became less like my mother, and more like my father. That trend has continued to this day. (I’m now in my mid-forties.) I’m still a shadow of my father in many ways. But, I’ve grown stronger. I’m no longer timid and shy. I’m more comfortable with people. I face many challenges with courage and confidence.

This gradual transformation to reflect more of my father’s personality hasn’t all been positive. I share his anger. I struggle with his depression. I’m also sexually dysfunctional.

This gradual transformation to reflect more of my father’s personality hasn’t all been positive. I share his anger. I struggle with his depression. I’m also sexually dysfunctional. Unlike my father, most days, I keep my internal demons in chains, where they belong. But when I’m having a hard week, when I’m tired, when I’m depressed, I’m unable to restrain those demons. They break their chains and wreak havoc on my emotions. This struggle is severe enough at times to make me dizzy and cause seizures. It also exhausts me.

Understanding The Connection Between Father And Son – To Understand My Depression

As part of my struggle against depression and mental health problems, I’ve attempted to understand my father. (It took me two decades to realize that he loved me despite being an alcoholic.) I believe this understanding of my father is important for several reasons:

1. I’ve inherited many of my mental health struggles from his DNA.

1. He has shaped my idea of what a good man should be, and I judge my own self-worth based on this idea.

1. As many sons do, I desire my father’s approval, even after he has been dead for many years.

1. I measure my success as a person today based on the hero I remember as a boy. This hero wasn’t real, and measuring my success in this way isn’t healthy.

1. For me, winning the victory against depression requires a deep understanding of self. To achieve this understanding, I need to understand my father, and the parts of me that come from him.

My father helped many people during his life. He harmed other people. Some of the people he harmed I loved very much.

My Determination

As I look forward at the life I have remaining, a strong sense of purpose arises. A determination from deep inside of me. A determination to be like my father. Not to be like the hero I saw as a young boy. Not to be like the man who lost his struggle with (and life to) internal demons. Not to be like the man who sexually abused the vulnerable. But to be like the man my father could have been. The man he should have been. In that way, I hope to redeem us both.

(This post is the third article in my series on struggling with depression as a man in America. You can read the post on my web-site here: https://www.landonblake.com/2024/09/14/not-really-a-hero-the-connection-between-father-son-and-mental-health-struggles/)