Is it really that hard to be a white guy?

I recently went to a neighborhood gathering for a casual dinner and struck up a conversation with a local attorney. Almost immediately, he brought up his firm and described a recent work situation in which he felt he had been dealt an unfair hand. The firm had passed this guy over for a leadership role in favor of a female colleague. Mr. Attorney was aggrieved that his years of service, strong internal relationships and excellent positioning had been swept away by the firm’s desire for greater leadership diversity. It was unclear if he would ever consider his female colleague to actually be a stronger contender for the role due to her performance and experience.?

Mr. Attorney viewed this opportunity as a role he “deserved” and was now being “denied.” What I always find interesting in these conversations is that the grievance is not about money; he may have gotten a compensation bump, but nothing that would change his lifestyle. It’s about entitlement. The level of anger and disgust Mr. Attorney expressed toward the women at the firm was especially draining to experience.?

Over the last several years, I have regularly heard from two interesting groups of people. The first group is largely made up of men over the age of 50 who express something akin to the following statement: “Shannon, you would not believe how difficult it is to be a white guy in the workplace these days.” The second group is often men in their 30s and 40s who are asking something along this line: “Shannon, I’m witnessing some really problematic attitudes toward women in work settings. What should I do?” As you have likely surmised, the latter group is, in many cases, talking about the former.?

The two groups come at me in totally different venues. The ”hard to be a white guy” crowd I hear from in person, at events, in small groups of men and basically whenever I’m the only woman within earshot. The younger guys started approaching me over the last year, especially since I started this newsletter, and are all over my DMs, or setting up 1:1 conversations with me. Sort of entertaining that I am often tagged as intimidating, yet I’m apparently extremely approachable…??.

So I got to thinking: what is the fundamental difference between these two age groups? I think a portion of the answer is competition. Over the last decade or so, more and more women are graduating from college and graduate programs, and stepping into high powered white collar jobs. In fact, according to Pew Research Center , there are currently more women with college degrees in the workforce than men.?

At the same time, there has been an increasing focus at many firms to correct hiring and promotion inequities, backed up by loads of studies demonstrating the clear benefits of more diverse teams to profitability and risk management. When it comes to women leaders in law firms, Minnesota is way ahead of the curve. According to the TCB article: “Meet the women leading Minnesota law firms ” 33% of the top 15 law firms in the state are led by women whereas only 12% nationwide have women leaders. The net impact of all of this is that some men are more accustomed to competing with a much larger talent pool for leadership roles. And it seems that a few members of the older cohort may be vested in not understanding that in the workplace, like in most aspects of a free society, competition is generally productive.?

Let’s be clear about Mr. Attorney’s actual position in life: it is spectacularly privileged. He grew up white, wealthy and male. His education was largely paid for by family or incurred in a time when education was significantly more affordable. Mr. Attorney has been commanding a high six figure income for probably the better part of the last 20 years. This particular role would have been a capstone for Mr. Attorney’s long and distinguished career and was made possible by the firm becoming much larger, more diverse and national over the recent years.

Mr. Attorney absolutely worked hard, put in an enormous number of hours to become a partner, and sacrificed family time and leisure to get and stay highly respected and highly compensated. Here’s the thing: everyone else worked that hard too to make that shortlist. And a whole lot of folks may have worked a lot harder because they had to overcome bias or economic hurdles on top of putting in the hours and producing super high quality output.

What I find encouraging about you guys in your 30s and 40s reaching out to me is that you are aware of the biased behavior happening to your female and under-represented colleagues, friends, mentors and partners. We have heard from so many of you from recent newsletters like Tall Poppy Syndrome , Purple Marker and Why I Didn’t Wear a Skirt to Work . You have told me many stories about situations you have witnessed, or times when you didn’t say anything and felt complicit. What is discouraging is that despite your awareness and discomfort with letting biased behavior slide, you and I both know that sending me a LinkedIn message may be a little balm for your soul, but it’s not actually helping anyone.

So what can you do besides messaging me to be a better ally when the “hard to be a white guy” crew shows up at work? Honestly, there isn’t a single clean answer, and every situation will be different. Here are a few ideas:

1. Educate yourself: Take the time to educate yourself about gender equality issues, including the experiences and challenges faced by women, BIPOC, and LGBTQ. Read books, articles, and research papers written by these folks. Seek out diverse voices and perspectives to broaden your understanding.
2. Listen and learn: Actively engage in 1:1 conversations with your colleagues and respect their experiences. Some guys I’ve worked with have no idea how toxic they are being, but many appreciated a quiet conversation that created self awareness where none previously existed.?
3. Amplify diverse voices: Give credit where it’s due and actively promote and amplify the voices of women, BIPOC, and LGBTQ. Share their ideas, accomplishments, and expertise in your personal and professional circles. Recognize and combat situations where their contributions are overlooked or undervalued.
4. Speak up against racism and sexism: Challenge racist and sexist attitudes, behaviors, and jokes. Address any biases or discriminatory practices you witness in your personal or professional life. Check in with your colleagues when you witness them on the receiving end of inappropriate or questionable behavior and ask how you can help.
5. Advocate for diverse decision making: Ensure that decision making bodies like interview panels, boards of directors, leadership teams, and committees are composed of diverse voices. I don’t mean a token woman on an interview panel with five guys, but truly diverse groups that allow?potential employees to see themselves at your organization and experience culturally competent interviews.
6. Become a mentor and sponsor: Mentorship and sponsorship is critical for employees to create meaningful relationships with executives who will vouch for them and provide them with advancement opportunities. According to the HBS article “A Lack of Sponsorship is Keeping Women from Advancing into Leadership ”, women and BIPOC employees often lack access to high level leaders who are in the position to advocate for them and help them rise through the ranks.?

Additional Resources

And if you’re still feeling a little bit lost. Here are some videos and books to get you started:

• Janet Stovall ’s Ted Talk: “How to get serious about diversity and inclusion in the workplace .”
• ?Melinda Briana Epler ’s Ted Talk: “3 Ways To Be A Better Ally In The Workplace .”
• Follow Lily Zheng on LinkedIn and read their book DEI Deconstructed
• Read How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi

Once you've taken a spin through these resources, let me know what you think and what's most helpful for guys to learn how to be badass allies.

You are uniquely well-positioned to identify, approach, interact with and create change with your peers and superiors. We need you. And finally, if you have questions/comments and are nervous about sharing, please show up in my LinkedIn DMs. I'm committed to engagement. Not all Mr. Attorney's are able to shift their mindset, but I've found that a thoughtful approach and partnership are helpful in moving many of them to a more inclusive way of thinking.

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