REALLY?

So I’m having lunch with a good friend and fellow coach the other day (Hi Jo) and amongst a discussion of how ‘sharing plates’ are actually a terrifying lunch choice for anyone with a working class inner child (us) and whether it will ever be fashionable for restaurants to serve up food in the classic pie chart formation (as opposed to piled up, spread out, on boards, or everything in separate bowls, plates and dishes) we got round to our usual bread and butter topic of the realities of Coaching Life, or if ever ITV were to find the money to let Sir Trevor McDonald loose, Coaching: Behind The Unconditional Positive Regard.

See the thing is, for any non coaches out there, and let’s be honest, there isn't, one of the little secrets about us Coaches is that we also have to go out and find, select, vet, pay and work with a Coach. In a similar way that it is widely accepted that therapists are in therapy to clean their shit up, us coaches have a similar ‘cleansing’ process. So, trust me, we know 1. How hard that process of selection is and 2. How hard it is to commit time and money to a process that sometimes feels like a naked spin class. Give us a bloody medal why don't you.

Now you might think this is easy, namely because in this day and age everyone, literally EVERYONE is a coach, trained, qualified, experienced, any good (delete as appropriate) but also that a lot of us know each other. What do you call a collection of coaches? Alton Towers Car Park, no no, a Community silly. We are a Community. So how hard can it be to call someone you like, with the appropriate Linked In prestige and sort out some sessions?

In theory, very easy. In practice, even easier. You call them, it’s nice, you chat, you arrange coffee, ‘long overdue’ and off you pop. And here begins the potential problem of this very average human tale.

And before I spell it out, please do not think I am casting any aspersions to the quality, qualification, capability or committment from the coach. This is not a slight on coaching, quite the opposite. It’s actually a personal reflection on the challenge of ‘Asking For What You Need’ that we all face, every day. Because, and hold on to your fig rolls a second, who is doing the asking? Who is REALLY doing the asking? The vetting, the selecting, the agreeing. Who is really making this decision for you? You: The person who likes to keep things nice and comfortable, or You: The person who wants to work and feel the pain and do it again?

Briefly come back to the lunchtime table a second. Jo and I are politely sharing out the roasted cauliflower and we feel like we have cracked it. Cracked the code of the ultimate character trait. The ability to say just one word at exactly the right time. What we want in a coach is someone to look at us, listen to us, take us in, then say one word. One word with a rising intonation and an even more extreme rising eyebrow.

Really? Which really is shorthand for: is that who you really are? Is that what you really think? Is that what you really feel? Or is that really who you think you are? Is that what you’re really supposed to think? Is that really how you should be feeling? Is that really who you want to be?

And not only say it once, but to say it over and over again. “Really? You’re sitting there with full confidence and assurity that you really want/think/feel that?”

How would you respond to that? Go on, think about it. If you had just spilled your heart or brain out in a well told story to your Coach and all they came back with was ‘Really?’ what would you do? What would happen in your head and in your body? What is the outcome?

See for me, it’s tough because I know I would be put into an immediate defence state. I would feel the need to justify without thought. I would waste the opportunity to look again, or even look at all. Look at what was really going on for me. What my, ‘right here, right now’, adult view and opinion is. Well maybe I’m being a little harsh on myself, but energy and patience levels depending, I know I would feel a sense of being unheard, unbelieved or misunderstood.

It’s such a high risk strategy to deploy as a coach as one of the possible outcomes is to completely negate and discount the true feelings and thoughts and experiences of the other. And one, where executed correctly and compassionately, that can have the deepest and biggest potential upsides. 

A one word reply that actually says: Here’s an opportunity that you’re not going to get freely and honestly, every day. An opportunity to come into yourself and ask whether you have been telling, living and retelling the same story for many years. Here is a rare opportunity to press Pause on that story and look at it with the eyes of the audience, not the actor. Here is a gift that, if appreciated and used carefully can unlock huge self awareness and human potential to grow and change. Here’s an opportunity for you to stop liking me for a second and start looking at you. To see who you have become over these many years of routine and habit. To look into, not just at the mirror. Look at what you have become. Was this really what you had in mind?

Yeah. Big stuff. But it requires bravery, intuition and compassion to really stand opposite someone and challenge/be challenged. As remember, what stands in front of you has been a lifetime in the making. A construction of experiences, values, stories and beliefs. Be careful if you are going to tap at that mirror, it’s fragile and has a tendency to shatter.

And in fact, I think it is that fragility, or perceived fragility that is the very reason we don’t get close enough to tap the mirror. If we are not careful though, how long will it be before that fragility turns into fear. A fear of being seen, but also to see, and to ask and to connect. A fear to share, to live amongst and within. A fear to challenge the other. A fear to encroach into the mindset and mindspace of the other. A fear that actually inhibits understanding and common interest. Just a quick glance at the News doesn’t tell us anything new about how we are becoming disconnected  with our humanity, disconnected with ourselves, and each other.

I’m drawn back to sharing plates though. The fear that Jo and I have about the sharing plates concept. Basically, our preferred lunch dialogue with the waiter would have gone: “I’ll have this and she’ll have that, thank you”. The food would arrive and we would each make our way around the plate clockwise, saving the best bit until last (mashed potato in my case). Each content that we are both having what we want. Each comfortable in knowing what we know and eating what we eat. No surprises. No effort and no problem. Really?